Feeing smothered by my mom

[muskratsunshine]

Hi there!

I've been reading around the site looking for a story close enough to mine, and read the 'parental control' article (super enlightening thank you!), but I think I need some personalized wisdom here.

I'd like to say first I'm 19, a girl, currently going to a technical college, which my parents and my grandma are paying for. I am so grateful for that, education is power and my grandma isn't related to me by blood, and is generous enough to want to pay for my schooling. My mom and I have had horses for about 8 years and have been riding almost every day for the last like 11 or 12 years. Its something that has made us really close and I know my mom cherishes that a lot. And I do too.

However, the last probably two semesters (I am just finishing the first year of college) I have been feeling extremely smothered by my mom. I spend ALL my time with her. She is an artist and works from home, and when I get home from classes at whatever time I am done that day she is immediately upstairs in the kitchen waiting to talk to me. And then we go to the barn together to ride or feed horses. Which is not entirely bad but she literally adjusts her entire life to revolve around me. And doesn't have really many friends of her own or things she does outside of running errands and doing things with me. And while her intentions are good it is giving me extreme amounts of anxiety because when I want to go do something on my own she gets really short with me or pretends she didn't hear me talk. Like right now, I wasn't hungry for dinner yet so I told her I would just make myself dinner later and she got annoyed and now is ignoring me.

Or on Sunday, I was having a really rough day and crying a lot because I feel trapped by how she makes me feel guilty for wanting to be independent and so I wanted to go for a hike by myself. But she parks her truck right behind my car in the drive way so anytime I want to go anywhere I have to ask her to move her truck, which also makes her mad. And that day she got really short with me about moving the truck and then pretended she didn't hear me when I said 'bye mom love you' before leaving. Which led to more hysterical crying on my part because if I do anything outside of what she wants me to do she gets mad and makes me feel extremely guilty.

And if I ever make plans without her to do something that would require me to be away for the day (and consequently not be able to go to the barn for that one day) she says things that imply I don't care about my horse or that I am losing interest in horses. Which isn't true, I still want to be around horses but I don't think that means that I have to be tied down to the same routine every day, never leaving or doing anything else. And even now as I type this I feel my blood pressure rising because its like she assumes and puts words in my mouth, when all I want to do is experience other things and do other things besides just going to the barn.

Im just so frustrated, I feel so controlled by her, I get terrified when I have to tell her I'm going to go hang out with a friend because its like I have to get it authorized by her.
And on top of that she is always saying how she wants to ride with me forever, and even if I move out of the state that her and my dad want to move and be near me always. Which I wouldn't mind at all but she's making it like if I want to go out of town for a week, even when I'm older then it will be upsetting her plans for me. And she is very much intent on me not moving out. She is always telling me how paying rent is just throwing money away and I should live at home as long as possible because thats financially smart.

And while that might be true, I feel like I am suffocating, and I have recently discovered that I don't want to live conventionally. I have done a lot of cost analysis and I want to live in a camper or Tiny House, and travel, and work extremely hard to achieve my dreams of supporting myself on my art and photography. I'm learning to shut my mouth and not even tell her about those dreams because her negativity or irritability about it gives me more anxiety and creates bad energy for me.

She always assumes when I'm stressed that its because of school but honestly she stresses me out more than anyone. And I feel guilty writing all this but I just need to get it off my chest. I am starting a part-time factory job at the end of the semester that pays $10.65 an hour, and I did the math and full time I would be making $1700(isn) which makes me feel a little better because I can at least start saving to move out. Am I just being a brat? Or are my feelings valid? Its so hard to tell because my mom makes me think this is all my fault, that Im being unfair to her

[Amanda]

Hi muskratsunshine,

I'm sorry to hear about your stress an anxiety around all of this. I'm sure this situation is especially hard given the close bond you have with your mom, and your completely understandable and respectable desire to avoid hurting her feelings. Have you had an open, honest, sit-down, heart-to-heart about all of this? If not, it seems like that is the next step here. As you grow into an adult, your relationship with your parents will naturally change-- but as you've discovered, sometimes the relationship can experience some growing pains. No need to feel guilty, your feelings are certainly valid, as are hers (basically any feelings are valid, no matter how problematic, as they always come from somewhere!)--although it seems like there could be a greater degree of communication about exactly what those are on both ends. Controlling or manipulative behavior isn't healthy in any relationship, but is often used by people who feel vulnerable or powerless in some way. This does not justify your mom's behavior, but allows room for some insight and compassion on your end. Have you seen this article? Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship It is geared mostly toward friendships and intimate relationships, but really applies to any relationship between two mature people. It might help guide your future conversations with your mom about how you feel and why, and how you envision the relationship growing and changing in the future. If conversations one-on-one don't prove fruitful, counselling together could be a good next step, if that's available to you.

[muskratsunshine]

Thanks for the response!

I haven't had a talk with her yet, our talks about stuff like that usually gets ugly. I get really irritable with her during them because she has a way of phrasing things that is in the form of making assumptions and starting sentences with "well you don't like such and such" so every topic starts out with me having to defend myself and deny and disprove what she is telling me that I feel. And I always feel like everything is my fault, like I'm being bad to my mother. I have been avoiding telling her that I feel smothered for so long because I feel guilty. And I feel like I'm abandoning her since, like I said, she doesn't really go out to see any friends. She recently joined a local artist guild, which is great, and I keep asking why she hasn't gone to any meetings and she just seems to think its a drag that she has to participate.

But thats off topic I guess. I have always thought that maybe it would be good to have a counselor present, like a moderator, but I worry that they will take my moms side no matter what and I will end up feeling even more smothered and invalidated on top of that. It just feels like our relationship has gotten unhealthy, and I know she would not want to admit or agree with that. How would I start a conversation with her without it turning into the usual blaming and me getting angry and feeling like I'm backed into a corner?

[Amanda]

Hmm.. Perhaps you can start with writing a letter to her? That way you can make sure to say exactly what you want, and she can have time to process and revisit your words to be sure she is understanding them. When it comes to conversation around sensitive issues, focus on "I" statements like "I feel really sad and disrespected when..." or "In order for me to feel loved and supported I need..." It sounds like a counselor might be a really good idea. I'm quite sure that s/he would not simply take your mother's side, or anyone's side, but merely facilitate good, healthy communication and provide insight and recommendations.

[muskratsunshine]

The letter sounds like a good place to start. However this morning things have gotten really bad again, she is still really irritated at me, now because I am going to be going to explore a greenhouse with my older brother. She has been really negative about every topic I brought up this morning. But I kept in mind what you told me, that she might be feeling really powerless or sad and I feel compassion towards what she's feeling. But when I asked her whats wrong she said nothing and walked out of the room really fast. I was going to try and talk to her but she is so angry I just don't know what to do, its like no matter what theres something I'm doing wrong and I don't know what else to say.

Im just really upset now, I am trying to make things better and its not working. How do I get in contact with a counselor? I think my college provides counseling to student but I don't know if they do for student and parent relations.

[Sam W]

Hi muskratsunshine,

I'm sorry to hear that things were rough this morning. However, it sounds like you are trying to reach out to your mom and see if you two can start trying for a different kind of communication. At a certain point, the ball is in her court, and if she won't engage with or answer you when you reach out after a few times, you may have to let that strategy rest for a bit. So don't feel too down on yourself (which can be hard when the other person seems to be angry with you no matter what). This is, as Amanda said, likely more about her than you.

I would get in touch with the counseling resources at your college. They may not have anyone who specializes in parent/child issues, but they are likely to be able to talk with you about what's going on and give you some recommendations as to how to proceed. And, just having a person who's trained in dealing with tough emotions to talk to can be helpful for you when it comes to being able to deal with how you're feeling about your mom.

[muskratsunshine]

I got in touch with my college and am waiting for a reply on it. My mom was talking to me a little bit later today and we were talking about her art and she started crying because she's having trouble selling it and was talking about how low her self esteem is. And I tried to tell her thats something we all work on and it takes a lot of time. I didn't really know what to say. I realized as we talked this all goes a lot deeper than control and feeling smothered. I think my mom is depressed. She's struggled with it before and her father had a nervous breakdown and committed suicide which puts her at high risk for both depression and suicide. And its hard to be around her sometimes be she gets so negative about things that seem really random, like what someone else is dressed like.

And I guess right now I'm just really broken up about it. No one ever warns you about what to do when your mom gets depressed. And I feel guilty which I know isn't logical but I just feel like I should be saying more to help. I put so much of my energy towards making my life explosively positive and now I feel selfish for that. The whole day has gotten a really depressing feel. I was struggling with depression last semester and I told my mom about it but she didn't think therapy or counseling was a good idea. I don't know what to do, some days I feel a lot better and then other days like today, its like I'm seeing everything through dirty saran wrap.

I guess one good thing is I got to talk to my brother a lot today, we had a really rough patch where we didn't speak for 6 years and I really cherish that I got to talk to him today.

[Sam W]

Hi muskratsunshine,

I'm glad to hear that you two were able to talk in that way, even if the realization you came to was not a happy one. It can be incredibly hard when someone we love (and someone we view, in a way, as a caretaker of us) is struggling with depression in this way. You want to help your mom, and that's a noble urge. But at a certain point, getting help for what's going on falls to her, just as it falls to you to take care of yourself. You can make suggestions, you can set boundaries, you can try to be a positive presence, but you can't make this all the way better for her.

I think continuing to pursue the counseling for yourself is a good idea. When we're dealing with depression, some days will be fine (heck, most days may be). But a big part of therapy is figuring out tools and resources to have for those days when things are not fine (plus, it can just help to have someone to talk to).

I'm also going to recommend this article from Captain Awkward. It touches on some things to think about when trying to help a depressed parent:
http://captainawkward.com/2014/09/25/62 ... cidal-mom/