Sexually Abused Trigger

[whatacatch]

Okay so a bit of background information. I was sexually abused from the ages of roughly 8-10 or around then by my sister's best friend who is also the same age as me and also a female. I don't really want to go into specifics as I know it'll upset and trigger me but she did some awful things to me such as putting a pillow over me and telling me I would go to jail if I told and it was all my fault. I remember feeling all this terrible terrible guilt about it all of my childhood and I tried to act like it never happened until it all came out a few years ago and my parents found out. The girl was never confronted though, largely due to me being scared of her saying it was me who wanted it and it was just normal childhood stuff but it wasn't because it was unwanted on my part and it has largely caused me a lot of hurt and I believe it is the trigger to my depression.

Anyway I am feeling very distressed right now and in tears right now. I have the most amazing boyfriend who I have mentioned before in a post and we are in a long distance relationship and we were texting tonight and the conversation took a sexual turn and it ended with us sexting which is not the issue here. We both know our boundaries and limits and all of that so that isn't the problem. The problem is immediately afterwards something set me off about being sexually abused and it's eating at me tonight I have no idea what's triggered it but maybe it had something to do with how my boyfriend said he was really tired and had to get some sleep? Or maybe it was just the trigger of what we were doing and it only set it afterwards? I don't know what it is but I'm really upset right now. I feel like I'm going to have the sexual abuse sitting on my shoulders for awhile now and I feel like I need to tell my boyfriend I'm not interested in anything sexual for a few weeks because I feel like it would just upset and set me off even further. I'm very upset and I don't know what it is I'm asking from you guys so I'm sorry for dumping this all on you but you guys do a brilliant job here and you were the first and only people I could think of who would be able to give me the right support and guidance. I'm so sorry this is probably very jumbled and doesn't make sense and I'm feeling very anxious and upset right now but I'll reply to guys in the morning. Thank you in advance x

[Sam W]

Hi whatacath,

First off, I'm sorry for what happened (both the initial abuse and the trigger). Those are sucky feelings in so many ways.

I think, if it's not something you're already doing, seeking out a therapist to talk about this with would be sound. It would give a trained person to work through the emotions you have around the abuse, and it would be someone who could help you with coping strategies for the triggers. Do you have a sense of how to access that type of resource. Or, if you're already accessing it, how much of this have you discussed with that person?

I would also say that, since your boyfriend sounds supportive and sensitive, talking to him about what's happening might help. It's up to you to decide how much detail to give, but letting him know that a) this thing seems to be triggering you (even if you're not sure what this thing is) and b)if there's anything specific he can do to help, might help you feel more supported when this happens.