Demisexuality?

[Atonement]

I first heard the word demisexual here a few months ago, and I have to say, it really resounded with me.

I fit a lot of the descriptions. I haven’t had any kind of relationship (not so much as a kiss) in over 4 years. Most of the time I don’t miss it. Especially now, when I don’t have a specific person to attach those feelings too.

When I was younger (like in high school), I was pretty fixated on romance but it was always directed at a specific person. And I didn’t really find anyone else attractive.

I’ve talked before about how a bit part of me doesn’t want to get involved in romantic or sexual relationships. Maybe that will change when I’m at a place where I have less distractions, and maybe it wont. But after being single and living as an independent person for a few years, I feel very comfortable and secure in that role.

The only thing that goes against the “general demisexual description” for me is that I do seem to save the same reactions to romantic stuff in books/movies as more sexual people. But I suspect a bit of that is because I do emotionally connect with the characters.

The thing is, I’m not 100% comfortable about this label. When I did a search online, I found a lot of comments like “well, most people are like that. Most people prefer to have sex with someone they’re connected to” and lots of other things denying the orientation’s existence, saying it doesn’t deserve a special category. Overall, there seemed to be a lot of eye rolling.

But it goes way beyond that for me. I think they’re right that I don’t face the same obstacles as an LGBT person, but I’ve still noticed a marked difference between me and “most people” for a while. For me, I feel this panic and suspicion any time someone who “doesn’t have any reason to like me” gives me that kind of attention. I only tend to be able to get close to guys who I’m certain aren’t trying to befriend me out of sexual interest. The idea of going on a date with someone I have no feelings for with the purpose of “getting to know them” and “seeing if I can develop feelings” makes my stomach turn.

But I consider myself pretty “in the loop” about sexuality/orientation issues, and I’ve only just heard of this. For me, it’s still an idea. I feel like if I were to talk to somebody claiming to be some orientation that no one’s ever heard of, they wouldn’t believe me or they would feel like I’m trying to appropriate LGBT people’s struggle.

I mean, I’ve been pretty open with people about the face that I could only date “the right person under the right circumstances”, and everyone seems to get that. But as someone who’s always sort of just thought of herself as a really picky straight girl, it still seems a little weird.

I’m not saying I want to “come out” to the world tomorrow, or even if I fully accept this as a thing for me. But on the other hand, it seems kind of nice to have a label that explains why this is so much harder for me than it is for everyone else.

What do you guys know about this, and what do you think? I’ve been posting about my every romantic feeling or lack thereof for the last 6 years or so, so for those of you who know me, does it sound like it fits?

What do you know about this? There’s not too much literature, and I guess that’s because aside from the general “why don’t you have a boyfriend” questions, the social issues tied to it aren’t as impactful as there are with LGBT issues. Can we just talk about the topic in general?

[Eddie C]

To be honest, for me, labels are a very hard thing to deal with. I just don't think that something/someone so complex as a human being -- with sexuality, orientation, likes and dislikes, feelings, emotions, memories, etc -- can be reduce to just one thing, you know? So I totally understand what you mean when you say that this word defines you very well but not at all.

Orientation is not my strongest subject but I wanted to let you know that someone saw this and as soon as someone with more expertise comes, I'm pretty sure they will have a lot to add.

[Vespertine]

I identify as demisexual as well. The important thing to remember that you don't have to fit every 'descriptor' or demisexuality. Almost no one fits perfectly into every label. If you feel demisexual then you are demisexual.

Also, as an LGBTQA person I would say tht you are in no way appropriating LGBT opression and struggles. Just because you have a label for yourself that you think fits and makes you feel comfortable doesn't mean yo're trying to be 'special' or anything, and anyone who tries to dscredit your orientation needs to reevaluate their opinion.

Hope this helped

[Heather]

Remember: words for parts of who we are like this are not meant to tell a whole story. Rather, they are a shorthand, for when we either can't tell our whole story or don't want to now, or yet.

So just like words people use to describe their gender, ethnicity, their job, or a kind of relationship they're in, words for orientation are just about what shorthand you feel works best for you.

Too, yes, I think it is very safe to say a majority of people tend to only feel strong desires for sex with others with at least some kind of interpersonal connection and feeling. But a majority of people also identify their gender in a binary way; a majority of people are heterosexual; a majority of people are adults.

That doesn't mean it isn't okay for people to call themselves men or women, or straight, or adults, or demisexual, just because they are in a majority. People still can use words to describe themselves: that's not something only those of us on the margins, when we are, somehow get to do. Everyone is allowed to use words and to do so to describe whatever parts of themselves they want to.

[Heather]

That all said, in terms of figuring yourself out in this department, I would say - and this has nothing to do with qualifying or disqualifying you as demisexual or any other orientation or word that feels right for you, especially since that's only something you can do for yourself - some of what I am hearing here also sounds like social anxiety (per very strongly not wanting to go on dates to even get to know someone at all, and having big feelings of discomfort and aversion, rather than mere disinterest) and you stating a discomfort with people who may only or primarily want a sexual relationship, something it doesn't sound like you want.

In other words, some of this also (setting any social anxiety aside) sounds less like it's about orientation, and more like it's about what kind of relationships you do and don't want.

Just my two cents with the aim of helping you better identify your own wants and needs.

[Atonement]

Wow, I'd actually forgotten about this post.

I guess the thing is, I was wondering if maybe the anxiety was because I did have limitations regarding orientation, and that trying to go outside those limits was causing the anxiety.

But I guess either way, it doesn't matter. Whether orientation is causing the limits or anxiety is, I still need to respect my limits.

I should note that I started seeing a therapist (again). We haven't talked about this yet because it honestly hasn't been a massive priority lately compared to other things, but I imagine it will come up eventually.

[Heather]

I love the way you're talking about abiding by your own limits, and sticking to what your wants are, regardless of whether or not you can identify the why of them: what you've said is so spot-on, and such great advocacy and care for yourself.

[magentakitty]

I have to respond to this, because I happened to see this and i've wondered just out of curiosity in the back of my mind if I might be this. OK... let me explain. I am a happily married 25 year old woman, with a normal sex drive with my husband. It feels awesome and i do crave it sometimes. But i've just never been sexually interested in people like normal girls were. I guess this was good in that it helped me keep my commitment to save my virginity for my husband, which was important due to my faith (i'm an impulsive person, so if my sex drive was raring around random people, i would shutter at how many people i might have experimented with). I remember when girls started becoming interested in boys, I had absolutely no interest and it seemed kinda foreign and the same thing when they were talking about hot celebrities. I thought it was silly. I never had crushes as a teen or anything like that. Around age 20 or so, I thought I might be asexual or something, and didn't know if i ever wanted to marry. I wasn't interested in girls either and had no interest in dating, until this guy very actively pursued me. I had a bit of a sex drive with him, but it wasn't until several months into the relationship when we were considering marriage, and he told me things like i was the most beautiful woman in the world. Ok then I met my husband after I broke up with that guy. we knew pretty quickly that we were pretty much soul mates. We had fun playing around sexually and I enjoyed it (although we ended up giving everything but intercourse to each other before our wedding night... which we didn't mean too), but having such a wonderful connection awakened that desire in me. I never felt sexual before. Yet, i know am far from asexual. I love having sex with my husband- i have awesome orgasms. I just didn't have sexual attraction to many people, like other girls did growing up, and still don't see random guys and think "i want to have sex with them". Just interesting, but i think the demi label may fit, although it would be odd that i love sex if i'm on the asexual scale... Also, i will add that it could have skewed it because i had amenorrhea for most of my teen years due to disordered eating, and maybe my messed up, low hormone levels cut down my sex drive- i don't think so tho, because i had normal cycles as a young teen before my ED, and i still wasn't interested in boys and sex. Oh well... doesn't matter now, i guess, but i've always felt a bit different sexually than other people... Anyone relate?

[Sunshine]

Yeah, I think I can relate to what you describe... I didn't care much about strangers or celebrities being "hot" when I was a teen and I often didn't understand what my peers saw in them or what they were talking about. But then, I spent most of my early teens pining for a woman who wasn't attracted to me and then I got over that and took a break from all kinds of love, and then I met the guy whom I have been with ever since. So I've never been... free to look around, I guess?

I don't know whether I'd call myself demisexual, though. Not now, anyway. These days, I do feel attraction to people I don't personally know, mostly characters in films, plays or books, and I have a very active imagination populated with a lot more people than just me and my partner. Plus my sexuality has always been primarily about me with myself and I was aware of it and comfortable with it before I felt any kind of romantic or sexual interest in any other person.

So I don't think I am anywhere on the asexuality or demisexuality spectrum, but I do know what it's like to feel left out and to wonder whether you're "normal".

Labels are just a tough subject. They don't really make things as easy as it first sounds like. In the end, I think it's fine to call yourself whatever you think fits you best, even if another person using the same word might not mean the exact same thing.