Need help in sexual aspects of my relationship

[Rob]

This is my first post on Scarleteen and be prepared, it is lengthy.

I have been dating this girl for almost a year now, and I am fully convinced I am in love with her.

I believe our intimacy is our weakest aspect of our relationship. To start off with, I believe my girlfriend has a chronic fear of an unwanted pregnancy. I understand her fear of pregnancy, however we do not engage in actual sex (and we both are happy with that). Instead, we only attempt manual sex. I am the giver; I often times use my fingers and I enjoy pleasuring her orally. Since she has fears of pregnancy, she does not usually ever perform any acts on me (she has helped me reach orgasm four times using her hands, but was irrationally scared afterwards). I have researched with her and we have made rules to make sure we are doing things safely, and usually she feels better for a little bit after we talk but nothing ever changes. What makes me the most upset is the fact that I don't think she cares about pleasuring me as I do for her. This is likely because of her fear, but could also be because she does not see any importance. This frustrates me and my frustration has grown for the past couple of months to a point where it is difficult for me to not think about it. I feel cheated and unwanted often times in this way and I feel as if there is no sexual attraction towards me, although she reassures me there is. Although I pleasure her quite often, she does not seem to believe that it is important to give back in any way.
Leading off of that, I have tried to ask her to perform oral sex on me multiple times calmly and kindly, but she always tells me that she doesn't want to. I try to tell her that it would be even safer than using her hands since there is no chance that she will touch her vagina with her mouth, but I don't pursue to issue. I try to respect her decisions but I can't help but get more frustrated since she has performed this on a past boyfriend of hers (who guilted her into doing things) but doesn't seem to care enough about my desires to do it to me (this makes me much more jealous than I think she realizes).

She does not like to talk about these things. When I try to talk to her calmly about our intimacy, she usually ends up upset and ends the conversation quickly. Since I do not talk to my friends about what my girlfriend and I do when we are alone, I have bottled up a lot of frustration and this is why I am finally contacting Scarleteen myself. I may just be insecure, selfish, or plain stupid, (if so, let me know which one) but I think this will continue to be a problem for our relationship and I am not sure how to fix it on my own or get my girlfriend to commit to helping me fix the issue. So far, I believe she and I are sexually incompatible, but I am not willing to let that end our relationship. I would greatly appreciate any expert advice on new things we could do together to make her feel safer, or any tips to increase our compatibility in the bedroom. This aspect of our relationship frustrates her as well because it makes me upset, and there is no doubt in my mind that she cares for me and loves me just like I love her. She will be reading this shortly and might want to add input. Thank you!

[Heather]

Welcome, Rob, and I'm sorry you've been having such struggles with this.

I think the long story short here is that this person isn't ready to be sexual with you, or probably anyone, just yet. Between all the fears, the lack of desire or interest (or perhaps even understanding) in sex with you that involves her being anything but passive, her not being comfortable even talking about sex, and what sounds like a dynamic where you've almost set up yourself up, weird as it may sound in this context, as acting like a parent in a lot of this (the research, the coaching, etc.), all I see here is SO NOT READY. Maybe even not ready on both your parts, in different ways.

I also see some dynamics that seem really unhealthy for both of you. She's said no to things, but you keep asking or trying to talk her into a yes. I don't get the sense you have any intent, really, to coerce her into sex here or to harm her, but the tough truth is that if that talking-into did result in her doing things with you, then that would be sex that wasn't really consensual, but coerced. And you don't sound to me like someone who would probably be anything but horrified by that. Suffice it to say, this also creates a pattern for her of coercion with boyfriends.

You clearly feel exploited yourself in some ways, and also keep having communication shut down, so you don't even get a chance to talk about how you're feeling with this, and about how unbalanced the sexual relationship feels.

We can talk through your feelings more if you'd like, especially since they sound pretty rough, and you haven't yet gone into any other avenue to do so, so I can't imagine that's felt at all good for you. I'm certainly happy to listen more if you'd like.

In terms of problem-solving with this, personally, what I'd suggest is that you both figure a sexual relationship should just be off the table for you, period, and that if you want to be in some other kinds of relationships together -- something romantic, something that's a friendship -- you talk about that and figure out what feels like a fit. I'd suggest you stop being sexual together in the ways you have been, because very clearly, they do not work for either of you, and probably leave you both feeling bad, albeit probably not in the same ways.

Now, it may be that you don't want a romantic relationship that isn't also a sexual relationship and that's okay: you get to want what you want, and wanting that doesn't make anyone a jerk. But a healthy sexual relationship between you, that's good for both of you in all the ways, just isn't something I see happening here.

I do want to add that I've seen a pattern sometimes in dynamics like yours, and that pattern is generally this (and I'm using gender here, because I pretty much only see it with straight couples): girl meets boy, girl and boy fall in love, girl and boy have sexual desires. Boy wants and feels ready for sex, girls may or may not want it, but doesn't feel ready. Girl doesn't say she's not ready, but instead just does what she can bear -- and sometimes, like here, that can also mean does what's just mainly about her, or allows her to be passive -- because she fears boy will leave if she doesn't. Boy stays, seeing the lack of readiness, and feels like if he DOES leave, or change the nature of the relationship so he can pursue a relationship, he's a jerk, so then a whole lot of push-and-pull starts happening and escalates, sometimes going to the worst places it can, for everyone.

So, you can't "make" her ready, or make her feels able to be anything but passive sexually, and I probably don't have to explain all the reasons why, and why even an attempt to do so is deeply problematic. And it is okay for any two people to not want the same things at the same time, or be ready for the same thing at the same times: like you said, sexual incompatibility is so for real here. But the answer to that that's a healthy one, supportive of healthy relationships and interactions, is for those people to figure out where their wants DO align, and where what they feel able to do, okay with doing, does align. Then we build whatever relationship fits that from there, rather than trying to do this the other way round, where we're trying to take a kind of relationship and make one another fit it. Does that make sense?

Where we go from here in talking is up to you, but one thing I do want to be sure to add is that while your feelings of jealousy about her ex are valid, because all our feelings are, I'd encourage you to try and recognize that being jealous she did something sexual under duress and coercion with someone else is pretty thorny. Coerced sex is a kind of sexual assault. Plus, what someone did or didn't do with someone else just isn't about us at all, and what they will or won't do with us that they did or didn't do with someone else actually is about them and that person: it's just not about us at all.

I get, for sure, that you want a sexual relationship, and that ideally, you want one with this person, and that not being able to have it is painful for you and sucks. But from the sounds of things, if ever there was a clear case of "it's not you, it's me (her)" I think we're looking at one here. She's not ready: not ready for things you want, not ready to be anything but passive, and maybe not even ready to truly consent to those things, which you have been seeing as an interest in her pleasure only, but which, from where I'm sitting, look a lot more like that she's only doing the things where she's passive, probably because she's either afraid to be or just doesn't yet really want to be -- not just with you, but with anyone -- an active agent in all this. So, I'd see if you can't consider that switch to your framing of this as well.

[Rob]

So is there a chance that sometime in our relationship that she will become ready? Are there things that we can do together that aren't as threatening to her at this point? I really enjoy the closeness I feel to her when pleasuring her and she doesn't seem to want to stop that either. What are steps that we can take as a couple, or as individuals (she will be reading) to become more ready?

[Heather]

Yes, just like there is she won't. But in all honesty, I think the dynamic you two have developed around this is so bad, that you two, if that readiness does change for her, seem not at all likely to me to be able to build a mutually satisfying, happy, healthy sexual relationship together. The foundation you've had, basically, is just so faulty and busted, from what I can see, that building anything good on it seems highly unlikely.

Like I said, seeing all you have written in your post, I just personally, especially in my capacity in my job here as a responsible sexuality educator and support person, can't get behind you two staying sexual in any way together.

If it's not her feeling pushed or bad or afraid, it's you feeling exploited or taken for granted. I get that clearly you have some conflicted feelings here -- being sexual with her makes you feel close to her, and you enjoy that, but then you also have very hard, negative feelings you've reported as well -- but I think that the yuck-stuff, for both of you here, seems a lot bigger than the good stuff. And if you two can't even talk about sex, I don't know how you're even able to do any real, meaningful consenting here, and that is always a big, bad thing. Open, meaningful consent and sex free of pressure is ground zero for healthy sexual interactions, and that clearly hasn't been happening here.

Speaking just about you, I think maybe it's just that you enjoy being sexual with a partner and having that intimacy, and I would bet a lot of money on the fact that with someone else who was more where you're at, and who also wanted to be active, felt more able to, etc., you'd not only get those same positives, you'd have a LOT more other positives and like that even better, you know?

At best, what I do feel comfortable saying is that if both of you were committed to really taking real time away from being sexual together so you could each do your own work, for yourselves, in this department (and by real time, we're likely talking months or years, not days or weeks), those are the steps you could take. But so long as you both are locked in this dynamic, I'm not sure I see how you could do that work. How could she, in this dynamic, get ready or even figure out what she needs when she's bound to feel a ticking clock based on your wants, especially given how you've kept pushing them? How could she create something healthy when she has now had two partners in a row coercing her sexually (intended or not, trying to talk her into doing things you want has been coercion) to some degree?

And how could you figure out what you really want and need in a sexual relationship, for yourself, and with anyone else, when you're in a relationship where you can't even talk about that without the other person shutting down, or without, probably, a lot of guilt about wanting things she doesn't? See what I'm saying here?

Btw, in case it's unclear how you've been engaging in coercion, check out this example:

Leading off of that, I have tried to ask her to perform oral sex on me multiple times calmly and kindly, but she always tells me that she doesn't want to. I try to tell her that it would be even safer than using her hands since there is no chance that she will touch her vagina with her mouth, but I don't pursue to issue.

The thing is, a) you have pursued the issue, because you say you keep asking multiple times, rather than accepting her no, just the once, and figuring that if she changes her mind, she'll let you know. You have tired to convince her out of her reservations. These are clear examples of sexual coercion. When people are not being coercive, it looks more like this: you ask a parter to do something you want, they say no, they don't want to, and that is the end of that UNLESS they come back to you at some other time and tell you -- without you asking again -- their feelings have changed and they want to do that thing, if you still want to.

[Heather]

By the by, I just noticed you said she'll also be reading. If she wants to make an account here herself, and you two want some help from me talking about all of this as a group -- you, her and myself -- we can absolutely do that.

[Rob]

Since we are on a limited time frame from now until she leaves for college, what do you suggest we do? Will the distance do good for us since it will indefinitely shut down our sexuality for a while? Is it possible that when we are away from each other that she develops more sexually? Is it healthy for us to continue to look at diagrams and read about what's safe and what's not? Should we completely shut down our sexuality with each other? Including kissing, touching, etc.? Or should I simply accept that she's not ready to be anything but passive, since she enjoys that aspect? I have begun to accept that I am not getting much in return and although it hurts, I've been okay with that.

[Heather]

Again, my best advice is that you take a sexual relationship off the table completely, and see what you've got together besides that. Even just doing that will likely make it easier to figure out what kind of relationship really IS a good fit for you; what places things are earnestly good, in alignment, and not a struggle.

I don't think most of this is probably about her sexual development, honestly. She'll be the expert on what it is about, but if for no other reason than the pattern of pressure and coercion from her partners alone, it seems to me she's got valid reasons to feel afraid of being sexual. She also has told you there are just things she doesn't want, period, and some of that may have nothing to do with her development or fears, she may simply not want to do those things, to at least some degree. It's very hard to be honest with a partner putting pressure on you, it really, really is.

I don't know why the two of you would be looking at what is and isn't safe besides, again, for you to try and get what you want from her. After all, it's not like you've got a purely selfless interest in being her sex education teacher, you know? Can we be real about what your agenda really is here with something like that, which seems to still be about getting her to change her mind and do the things you want to do?

[Heather]

By the way, if you do want links to some pieces here I DO think would be good for both of you to read -- primarily in the interest of what it sounds like each of you, for yourselves, more than anything else -- could stand to hear and be filled in on, I have some that have come to mind for me throughout our talk so far. I'm heading out for the day shortly, and will be off tomorrow, so am going to leave them here for either or both of you if you're interested:

• Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
• Reciprocity, Reloaded
• An Immodest Proposal
• Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[Rob]

The links would be great, I've read a lot of links on scarleteen and other websites but they are sometimes difficult to find.

[Ashleah]

Just want to make sure you see that Heather provided you links above.

[Rob]

Thank you! I'll keep you posted if I have any more questions or comments. I'm really glad I came here for help.