Getting further?

[laura]

When I began dating my girlfriend of a year, she identified as asexual. She wasn't sure what she'd be okay with in terms of sexual/romantic whatnot. I, although not asexual, really liked (and now love) her and was completely okay with knowing we may not even kiss during our relationship.

However, she dropped the asexual label once we started kissing. We make out pretty frequently now, often without our shirts, and she's told me she gets turned on. I don't think she's lying to me about being turned on or anything - We are both very open about when we get turned on and when we don't, the things that turn each other on....Etc. We have never had boundaries issues or anything, and we both feel free to speak about what we want or don't want.

My issue is, I want to start going a little further and I don't know how to ask. Once time, when we were making out, I asked if I could take off her bra and she said no, but while cuddling she said maybe sometime soon, that being naked with someone for the first time is scary. My friends say to just go for it, like starting to unbutton her pants or something, but I don't want to do that. I'd be totally fine not going further, I just sort of want to try it, but I don't want it to be awkward or to come off as weird.

[Jacob]

Hi Laura, Welcome to Scarleteen,

I would start by saying, I'm totally with you when seriously questioning your friends' advice. Someone who has declined to have their bra undone has made clear signs they wouldn't like you undoing their clothes. So good call on that, I am so thankful you didn't go that way.

With feeling weird about bringing up what you'd like to happen, it sounds like what might be making you feel uncomfortable is that you don't want to put pressure on her, or to throw shade on what you have been enjoying together. This makes total sense, as you seem to be relatively happy with the relationship and care about her a great deal. So what I would recommend is to have a broader conversation. Rather than centre it around the acts which you'd like to do, the conversation could be you two checking in and finding out how each of you feel about the various and many ways your relationship could change over time and develop.

As part of that you could also tell her how you do feel about her, and if you're scared sounding like you're unhappy with her, you might like to remind her that the things you'd like to try aren't 'needed', you're just interested in how she feels about it. For this it can be useful to think about how you'll feel, and how you'd like the relationship to go if she says no. Because if she understands you're totally cool with 'no' then the weirdness you're concerned with could be a lot less of an issue.

I wouldn't recommend pretending to be ok with things if you're not, however. Having desires she's not interested in, and not wanting exactly the same things is ok, it can feel awkward, but it is honest.

I wouldn't measure a relationship by feeling satisfied 100% all the time, because for me, happy relationships can be about you deal with the differing priorities just as much as it is to do with discovering priorities which match. At the same time, if you're unhappy it's also very much worth laying your cards out so you guys can find out what can or can't work to make that situation better. It might be you guys have very different ideas of the future, or it might be that when you both hear each-other out and connect the dots that you find something that is awesome for both of you but either way you will be able to move on into something that works a bit better for you.

Does that help?

PS -I believe we spoke about the same thing in chat, so some of this might be repetition but I have added a bit more since you were disconnected.

[laura]

Sorry that I was disconnected in the chat, my internet is weird. I'll definitely take your advice, and instead of it being "let's try this specific thing," I'll approach it as more of a checking in with things, like you're suggesting - And maybe I'll lead with something about how I really enjoy what we're doing and nothing else feels necessary.
Thank you for your advice!

[Heather]

I also want to add that there's nothing wrong with things being awkward when people are new to each other -- or in general, or both! -- as sexual partners. In fact, I'd say that's basically inevitable, and not something we can really avoid.

The good news is that that awkwardness, and being okay with it, usually plays a big part in the development of some real intimacy. And going through it also is pretty much the only thing that's ever going to get people to less-awkward. So, personally, rather than trying to avoid it, I'd encourage you (and anyone), to embrace it instead.

I talk more about this stuff here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... am_awkward