One Night Stand & Flashbacks

[scared&worried]

So there's a few different issues here:

- My ex boyfriend broke up with me in November 2013 (we dated for a year and a month)
- 10 days into our relationship (with my ex boyfriend), he fell asleep in my bed in residence when he promised he would not fall asleep. I woke up the next morning extremely distraught and upset- as this was not planned or consentual. I was so shaken up that I ran out of my room and vomited several times. The whole thing just made me feel uncomfortable. (But we still dated.)

Earlier this week, I met someone online who has about a dozen mutual friends on Facebook with myself. They added me and we've been talking. Last night this person came over. He is 4 years older than I. We cuddled and did some sexual activities. We did not do anything with penetration. At first when he asked to come over I had said no, but was really missing the physical touch of being in a relationship. I then said yes, was nervous but thought "hey, I've never done something like this before." He wanted to do just a friends with benefits kind of thing.

All was well until midway through the night when I felt like I was going to vomit. I hadn't been with anyone since the breakup so it was awhile. Sleeping in the bed with someone new (just like when Matthew and I first dated) brought back flashbacks of what could happen in this case, just like what happened before.

I stayed in the bathroom for quite a long time, while he was in my bed. When I couldn't take it anymore I asked him to leave as I was feeling physically ill.

In addition, I feel as though because this occurred, I have let down my morals. I have only had one boyfriend and this is doing sexual activities outside of that. It is really upsetting to me and unsettling.

Lastly, of course I'm worried about my own health and safety with regards to STIs.

Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi scaredandworried,

First off, can yo help me understand what you found distressing about your ex falling asleep in your bed. Are you worried that he did something to you while you were asleep?

I want to address your concerns about your morals. You get to have whatever standards for yourself that you feel are best. But know that everyone takes what they consider a misstep here or there, so you're not a terrible person for making a decision and then realizing, "nope, that was not actually something that made me feel good." And, the things you did? Not anything to be ashamed of in my book. Plenty of people try out casual sex, and some find it suits them and others find that it does not. What, if anything, do you think would help you feel better on this front?

As to your STI and pregnancy worries, this article gives you a way to analyze the risk of the activities you might have engaged in:
Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

[scared&worried]

With my ex falling asleep in my bed, I think the thing that upsets me is the fact that he said he would not fall asleep but did. I know mistakes happen but whoa.I think I am just still dealing with the shock and moral upset. I never thought that would happen to me. Just scared I guess. It was a scary experience. Something I was unprepared for.

I'm feeling okay morally now I think. Not great but better. Talking to various people I trust about it has been good. Some faith based (as I am), some not. Only really had one person say "I'm surprised you'd do that etc. etc." so I'm trying to "shake that off".

With regards, to the STI stuff that's what I'm MOST worried about now. I went Monday to the Health Unit and got a blood sample taken and did a urine sample. They said it's a bit soon and even later this week would be better but they still are testing it. If I don't hear back Monday I'm good. They said to come back in a few weeks though for sure. They also said it can take up to 13 weeks for HIV to show up in the blood. Is that right?

I'm just really really worried and anxious (I already have anxiety and depression) about getting a STI.
We kissed. I also performed oral on him. He fingered me.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, I follow. I think it's good that you've figured out that the sleep thing is something you're still not comfortable with. If nothing else, it's something you can communicate to future partners so that they don't trigger that fear for you.

At this point, you've taken the steps you can on the STI front (getting tested). Now all you can do is wait. You might want to use some self-care to help you do that:
Self-Care a La Carte

To answer you questions on HIV, you might want to give this a read. And yes, it can take up to three months or more for the negative antibodies to appear, so that's why it's recommended that you wait to test:
The STI Files: Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)

Are you currently receiving treatment for you anxiety and depression? And, when you engaged in oral sex, did you use a barrier such as a condom?

[scared&worried]

Yes, I see a Psychiatrist every two weeks.

No, protection wasn't used. (Hence why I'm freaking out)

[Sam W]

If protection wasn't used, then yes, there is some risk of STI transmission. However, as I said, you've taken the tests you can (and it sounds like plan to test for HIV when you can). So, in the interim it's best just to take care of yourself until you get more information via the results. I do want to mention that, while it is possible to contract HIV from oral sex, it's actually rare that someone does.

One other thing that you might find helpful is to figure out what you'd like to do differently if you choose to engage in sexual stuff in the future (be that have condoms on hand, have a little "yes no maybe" talk with your partner, etc), so that you can avoid feeling this way further down the road.

[scared&worried]

Thanks, I am not comfortable with sexual stuff for the next while I think.

I'm just worried and I want answers. I wish there was a way to prevent all this.

[Sam W]

It's totally normal to feel scared in a moment like this. And it's definitely normal to wish that answers would arrive faster than they are, or that you could go back in time. But all the worry in the world won't make those answers appear faster, and will just make you unhappy in the interim. All you can do is wait, figure out how to prevent it in the future, and take care of yourself.

If you're not already planning to, I'd suggest bringing this incident, and your emotions around it, up with your psychiatrist the next time you see them to see if they have any thoughts on how to manage your emotions around it. Have they given you any strategies for managing anxiety that you might be able to put into practice now?

I also think this piece might be helpful for you right about now:
Self-Care When It's Scary

[scared&worried]

A little bit yes. I have a few strategies I can use.

[Sam W]

Right on I'd say now is the time to bust them out.

At the this point, is there anything else (within the scope of things we're able to do) that you'd like help with or to talk about?

[scared&worried]

I guess I need help finding a place near me to talk to someone about this.

[Sam W]

When you say "this" can you clarify for me what you're referring to?

[scared&worried]

Both the original and new situations.

[Sam W]

Okay, so you'd like something a little more immediate than your psychiatrist (or would you feel comfortable asking if you two could talk sooner than planned)? Is something like a support group more what you'd like, or would you prefer something more like a one on one counselor (or something else entirely)?

[scared&worried]

A counselor for one on one. Something before my psychiatrist.

[Sam W]

Okay, so a good first step would be to check out the "help near you" link on the main Scarleteen webpage. This allows to search for resources in your area and see if there's one that fits your needs:
http://www.scarleteen.com/find_a_doc