I know I'm Bisexual but I'm scared to come out...

[ToChellAndBack]

I'm a 17 year old girl and I've known for a while now that I've been attracted to both men and women, though men moreso than women, and I had felt completely comfortable telling myself and my closest friend that I was Bi. This only lasted for a while until I had gotten my first boyfriend around a year or so ago. I felt like I wanted to be honest with him about who I was attracted to but when I finally came out to him he told me that I was wrong, that I didn't know what I was talking about, and that I wasn't Bi because I didn't act like it. I also hinted to my mom later in that same year that I may be Bi and she sounded hesitant at best and almost like she doubted that I knew what I was talking about. Granted I was pretty young and shouldn't have worried about this, it still hit pretty hard and I began to question myself all over again. I know I'm able to be attracted to women because of some dating fantasies I've had involving dating and kissing girls or that I sometimes get flustered around girls who I find very pretty just like I do around a guy I like. That feeling was more solidified recently when I was kissed on the cheek by another girl for a cosplay photoshoot at an anime convention and I got nervous butterflies the whole time the shoot went on.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide myself around my own friends, family, and new boyfriend who I feel like might become my first long term relationship. My only issue is I go to a Catholic school, have friends who are extremely Catholic, and have parents who are religious but still accepting to a certain degree. I'm afraid that once I come out to my school friends that they would shy away from me or just not talk to me altogether which would dwindle down that already small percentage of people who are my friends there. I already have two Bi friends and one pan friend which makes it easier plus one or two straight friends who already know but don't treat me weird because of it, but still it's not much compared to what it could be. I want to stop hiding but I feel like if I come out to my loved ones I would cause more trouble than I would really want. I'm confused, anxious, and just really needing some help knowing what the smart move is here.

Please help

[Sam W]

Hi ToChellandBack,

Ooof, I'm sorry that the guy you dated was such a jerk about this. It sounds like you've already run into one of the more common things people say to Bi folks, which is that they somehow can't know or are faking it. Which is a whole lot of nonsense, but still sadly common.

I'm glad to hear that you have some friends who are supportive. Have you talked to your Bi and Pan friends about how they came out to people (assuming they're out) like family and if anything that worked for them might work for you? In terms of coming out to your family or boyfriend, that's one of those things where you have to be the final judge, because you know them better than we do. One thing to do is to go through the list of likely outcomes to your coming out that you think they would have, and figure out how you would respond to or feel about each. That way, when you have the conversation with them, you feel a little bit more prepared for what comes. And, of course, if you feel that coming out might pose a risk to your well-being (being kicked out, hit, etc), then it's safer to stay stealth around them.

I think you might also find some info that's helpful here:
Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

[Sunshine]

Hey there...

Sam already gave you a great answer, but I'd like to add my two cents worth just because I always find it helpful to read about other people who have similar experiences to my own, so I'm hoping if I ramble on a bit about my perspective on this topic, it might give you (or others reading here) ideas about how you could deal with it.

I don't want to try and tell you what to do. That's something you can obviously only find out for yourself. Also, I don't really have a good answer. But anyway, here's my little story:

I am in a monogamous, long-term relationship with a man. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner, everything. We are very happy. So far, so good.

My first love, however, and to date my only really passionate, so-hard-that-it-hurts, bordering-on-insanity intense crush, was a woman - at that time, a girl. It was a one-sided attraction (and what makes this really ironic is that the person in question is lesbian. Further proof that lesbians are not in fact attracted to all women, for those still laboring under that misconception).

I know that I am equally attracted to men and women. Actually, I know that gender just isn't a big factor for me when it comes to attraction. You can be male, female, trans, gender-queer, whatever - it doesn't change the odds of me being attracted to you. Those odds are low for other reasons (I'm just not attracted to very many people).

I know that I am bi (I guess I should call it pan, but I didn't grow up with that term, so it just doesn't feel natural to me). But I only have a relationship and sex with one person, and we intend to keep it that way. I have a ring on my finger and it means something. So while in theory I am bi (or pan), in practice I am, how would one say it? Unisexual? Monosexual? Whatever.

The question is, should I come out? To whom and why and what for? Since I'm not looking for other partners, it's not as if I need to spread the word that I'd be available to more than just men. My first love is still such a delicate, sore, tender, intimate topic for me that I don't feel like discussing it with anybody. And my sexual fantasies are nobody's business. Their very point is that they are between me and myself.

So because it would have no practical consequences, I never officially came out to anybody. My partner knows the whole story and is fine with it. He even knows that whenever I see my first love, I still get a fluttery feeling in my stomach and that if she hugs me or kisses me on the cheek, my heart skips a beat. He knows there's a part of me that will always belong to that old bittersweet memory and will never be "his", and he accepts that (another reason to love this guy).

On the other hand, I have decided that there is no reason to hide the fact that I am not strictly heterosexual. So in conversation with other people, I just behave as if it's a known fact. Straight people don't tell everyone they know that they are straight, it's just taken for granted. So I'm taking my sexuality for granted and if anyone has a problem with that, it's their problem, not mine. If they need clarification, they can ask.

My parents don't take my bi- (or pan-) sexuality seriously. I never came out to them either and I never admitted to being in love with that girl (not because I was ashamed but because the situation was awkward enough as it was and we were and are still friends; it's just too private), but I think they figured most of it out on their own and they have always acted as if they thought it was either "just a phase" or that it's normal in their eyes for everyone to have some interest in the same gender sexually as well as the opposite (maybe this is actually true, I'm a great fan of the idea that sexuality is fluid).

If you are hesitant about being honest with people whom you think will react negatively to your sexual orientation because of their religious beliefs or morals or whatever reason, I respect that. I don't think anyone has any kind of obligation to be out to everyone. You should figure out what you personally are most comfortable with and go with that, and if you come to the conclusion that some information is private, then it's private and nobody's business. I'd just like to point out that a person who will stop loving you because they find out you are not straight probably never really loved you in the first place. It's kind of a good filter for friends.

When people brush your non-heterosexual attractions and thoughts and feelings off as irrelevant or "just a phase" or whatever other silly term they might use, my personal advice is try to ignore that. I know what's relevant to me, that's what counts. If my parents prefer to think of me as a straight woman with occasional same-sex fantasies, okay, fine. Whatever works for them. If friends and acquaintances feel uncomfortable with the little hints that might come up concerning my sexuality and they decide to ignore them - okay. Their choice. It really doesn't bother me. I'm not saying it shouldn't bother anyone, though! If it does and the person doing the bothering is someone you can have a half-way good conversation with, I'd recommend telling them you don't like it when a major part of your identity is not taken seriously and ask them to please stop trying to tell you they know you better than you do yourself.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck and lots of courage on the road ahead.