Talking to a new partner about (previous) rape

[JenBug24]

I was sexually abused. It was a chapter ago, but it severely affects my sex life now. I don't do relationships - casual sex like one night stands and informal arrangements with friends. It is incredibly rare for me to let a partner penetrate me and I have never 'cum'.

A casual fling has turned into an incredible, healthy, cheshire-cat-grin-inducing relationship. I really want her to penetrate me, but most of the time it really hurts and I can't take more than one finger. A lot of the time even her being really gentle externally (clit/lab/etc) feels painful. We talked about it quite a bit and have tried quite a few different things, but it doesn't seems to help much. Half of me (the idealising, fantasising, dreamy part) wants so badly for her to do it, but the other part of me (the part that experienced the abuse and that has all the crazy and is physically connected to my body) is repulsed and pained and shuts down when she touches 'near there'. It's getting worse and I get like that sometimes with my breasts and it's becoming more frequent.

I want to be able to enjoy sex and I just want to 'cum'.

What should I do? Is there any way I can fix this? I don't know what to do and I don't want to get any worse...

[Emma]

Welcome to the boards, JenBug24. I'm so sorry that you had to go through abuse in the past and am thrilled that you've found a sweetheart who you're excited to explore and experiment with.

Here is an article I think you'll find very relevant to your situation: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... mate_again In the article, the book The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines is mentioned and I'd recommend you check that out as well. Here are some more resources (especially near the end of the article) http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... _with_rape in regards to the aftermath of rape.

Don't forget that orgasm isn't the end-all-be-all of a sexual relationship, neither is penetration. Doing whatever makes you feel good and comfortable in the moment, instead of forcing yourself to try to enjoy a specific, triggering experience, is your best bet to lessen frustration and increase sexual pleasure.

[Heather]

It's so good to see you, Jen! I'm sorry, though, this is the reason why.

I have a few things to add to Emma's response to you.

1) Have you ever had any kind of counseling for your abuse? If not, Rape Crisis in the UK is a pretty amazing organization with a range of free services at most of their branches. In case you're not already familiar with them, here's the link to their main site: http://rapecrisis.org.uk/

2) Have you already talked to this partner about your abuse, and that this is your issue? Sometimes it can really take the pressure off to just talk about what you really want, but then also voice that want what you do, you have some limitations right now that stand in the way.

3) I'd put in a strong vote for only doing what really feels okay, and communicating with this partner to brainstorm some ways that will work for both of you to voice when you are being triggered, and then get support from this partner in that. It might help to simply be able to experience going through a trigger -- nothing too big, baby steps with this -- with someone so you can start to accumulate positive experiences when it comes to feeling something, and then being cared for, rather than abused, if you follow me.

4) Lastly, in the meantime, you might find that you can "talk" this kind of sex, the kinds off the table for you right now per triggers and pain, when doing other things that DO feel good for you. In other words, just voicing your desires aloud, like how, in your ideal world, vaginal entry and other stimulation would feel with them, how you want that, can be a way to have some of that sexual experience you want in a way that works for you with where you're at now. Do you get what I'm saying?

[JenBug24]

Hi Emma,

Thanks for your reply. I'll check out those resources, and hopefully they'll help.

Jen

---

Hey Heather!

You must have a seriously amazing memory to remember me, especially as it's been so long...!

1. I've had counselling and therapy for some of the other abuse that happened, but have never told a professional about the SA... I'm hoping that it's something that I can bring up with my new therapists, but I'm really still getting used to them. (And after today, they might discharge me?!)

2./3. Yes, she's very supportive and is incredibly patient. She understands that going extra slow is better and that I might need her to stop/pause, but also has a knack for knowing when it's okay to push through a little until it's okay and taking a half step back so to speak. I haven't really talked about the abuse, but just explained that something happened and that I sometimes get triggered etc...

4. I will definitely give that a go!

[Sam W]

Hi Jen,

I'm so, so glad to hear that your current partner is loving and respectful, and that there's already been some communication between you two about you having triggers that need to be watched for. Depending on how you feel, I second Heather's suggestion to open up to some degree about the abuse that happened, especially since the signs point to your partner being understanding. If nothing else, it might help you feel less like there's something hanging over you that you can't confide in her about.

Glad to hear you've been getting counseling, that's a great step in terms of taking care of yourself. With the current counselor, are you still just getting a feel for her overall, or trying to gauge specifically how they'd react to you disclosing the abuse?

[JenBug24]

Thanks Sam.
We started the conversation and it was really useful - just knowing that she's okay with me sharing that with her really helped and I was a lot more relaxed. I was really worried about frightening her off (there are a couple of other Big Things that we're having to be extra open about ie age difference), but don't feel that so much now after our chat.

Re the therapy... it's all a bit strange really - I have two therapists (yes, at the same time!) who have replaced the person who was initially assessing me for the service, as my case was too complicated for her, but they're still assessing me. I'm really not good at trusting people, especially when it comes to really personal things (my last therapist said wrote in her report that she didn't feel I trusted her until about 18 months in!), but I feel extra on edge with them... I've tried extremely hard to be as open and honest with them as I could, but after several sessions, they came back to me and said that they didn't really feel like they knew me as a person. I just don't know what more to do, let alone talking about something I never have. I'm thinking of giving them a part of my diary at the next session which discloses some things that we haven't talked about including my ED and certain aspects of abuse.

[Heather]

It has been a while, but you're memorable!

With therapy around sexual assault, it sounds like you might be more comfortable checking into counseling services expressly for survivors, rather than tacking it on to your other therapy, particularly since it's not sounding like those therapists and a great fit for you.

Were you able to take a look at the link to the UK Rape Crisis to see if any of their counseling or support group services are near you?