I am so confused in my long term relationship, what am I?

[Mindwarr]

Hey guys! This is my first time posting on this website so I am excited to see what kind of replies I get. To be honest I am not even sure if this is the place for my troubles, but I figured it can't hurt me anymore than I already feel. My story is pretty long but I will try and make it as simple and straight forward as I possibly can. I have always considered my-self a straight female, never felt attracted to other girls what so ever. Until one summer, I met the love of my life. I was 20 and she was 21, she was the most perfect person I have ever met. We clicked almost instantly, it started with us hanging out with our mutual friends by the following week we'd kiss and I was pretty much already living with her. She's funny, smart, beautiful the only thing is, here I am a straight girl falling in love with this girl who is absolutely without a doubt a lesbian (she was butchy). At first we had to hide the relationship form our friends and I was worried about what I was doing but eventually it felt so amazing being with her that I came out to everyone except for my parents which is another story of itself. From the second we met it was an instant bond she was my best-friend, my partner in crime, my everything I have never felt so compatible and comfortable with anyone in my entire life.

Sex was fun and new but it started fading away as I started to feel that maybe this wasn't for me, however we felt so happy with each other that I decided to just not care about that passion/sex aspect of a relationship. My love for her originated from a more tender place, I can't explain it but it just felt like I was more attracted to her beautiful face than her body part (breast, vagina...). We used toys and such but 98% of the time it was her pleasuring me. After a year or so I started to feel as if it weren't fair she was not receiving the same from me and so I brought it up she simply said its okay she's much happier being the pleaser. The problem was that even if she was happy with that, why was I not eager to grab/touch/kiss/feel her breast and well her privates. We sort of became girlfriends who rarely had sex but we were in this very serious, loving, happy relationship. We cared for each other so deeply I can't imagine ever loving someone this way. The way in which you'd sacrifice anything to see a smile in that person's face. (I know my story is getting long but bare with me guys).

A year a half later we graduated college, (we were always very supportive of each other's future) decide to move across the country together, pack up our bags, 1 year old cat, 4 year old puppy and head for the hill. We lived together in California for about 2 years, where we explored and grew so much, all of the most beautiful moments in my life have been with this person, until I broke it off. There was a feeling inside of me that kept telling this would never be a forever thing, she's a girl and I am simply not attracted to girls. Although I was attracted to everything about this girl, I was still not sexually burning up with fire over her just so much tenderness, warmth, compassion, love rather. These feelings started surface more and more until I couldn't take it anymore, I felt selfish for dragging her along but I was truly in love. We broke up for what was the worst 3 months of my entire life, I lost about 20 pounds it was unhealthy. Suddenly the person I spent with every single day was not a part of my daily life.

This is where the pattern began, she began trying to forget about me by drinking every single night and hooking up with empty girls. I became furious and lost I felt as if I had lost the love of my life. Suddenly I was questioning my decisions, wondering what was wrong with me? Why can't I have it all with the love of my life? Eventually, we got back together but stayed living in separate houses (4 blocks away from each other -_-). The problem was that those feelings of uncertainty kept crawling back no matter how hard I repressed them. Am I afraid of being a lesbian? Coming out to my parents? Am I just a straight confused girl? I know this sounds ridiculous but our story was far from that. It was beautiful the way we cared for each other.

There were a couple of other break-ups along but the way but we always came back to each other. See the unhealthy part now? We could never let go of each other, we spent every single night sleeping over each other's place, going on road trips, hiking, traveling exploring all the beauty in this world. At times knowing that this isn't right but we just loved being in each others presence.

I would like to add she's an extrovert everyone loves her its impossible not be want to be her friend. I am more of the shy type and introvert although our break-ups where always harder on me because of my lack of interest in people/friendships they were always tougher on her. She would become a bit self-destructive partying and drinking. Our relationship went for over 5 years until recently. We talked about how old we were getting and why after all this time I felt uncertain, she wondered if we would ever move back in together, I wondered the same.

As much as I love this girl something holds me back. Why is she my soul-mate and not my soul-mate at the same time. Is sex the reason for these feelings? We decided to end things, we swore we would be strong for each other. The problem is that I am not, I feel depressed, sad, all I do is cry and force myself to sleep all day in the dark (painkillers, weed..)I second guess my decisions, start to regret things I did and did not do, I have no interest in anything or anyone. I don't even go to work because it's so hard pulling myself together. I just want her but when I am with her I start to feel unsure regardless of how crazy happy and how much fun we have together. I know I can't just ask for her back, regardless I just want nothing but the best for her life, I want her to have a fulfilling long successful beautiful life, with or without me. I just wonder what other's have experience that I could maybe relate to. Sorry for the long story guys.

[Sunshine]

I don't think there's any reason to apologize. I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. You sound very sad.

I'm afraid I don't quite understand why you broke up. Was your lack of sexual attraction the reason? Or did you two feel you were too dependent on one another when it came to being happy? Or some other reason or reasons?

You sound very much in love. I've never been in your situation, but I have had to let go of a very strong attachment to a person I was for a time very close to and I vividly remember how hard that was, how much it hurt and how I felt as if I had just forced myself to rip out one of my own vital organs. It took a long time to get to the calmer place where we are now.

I can't really offer you any advice. But as far as I am concerned, you are welcome to come back and talk about this some more if that helps.I am usually not too bad at being sympathetic... Hang in there!

[Sam W]

Hi Mindwarr,

I think Sunshine had a lot of good points, and I'd like to offer some other thoughts as well. This sounds like a really, really tough situation. But at this point, you are functionally stuck in limbo. So, you need to do some soul searching and figure out which direction is the way out. Even if you really can't bear not being in contact with her, give yourself space from her, both physcial and mental, to sort your feelings out. I think a counselor could help immensely as someone to talk to (especially since you are in the midst of some heavy depression, it sounds like). If you want to be with her as a partner, then tell her that, and see if there's a way were you two can be together as you were while you are both able (if you want) to seek sexual partners outside of the relationship. She may not be into an open relationship at all, and those types of relationships require a solid foundation of trust and communication, and if you think that's something you can't hack, then you may have to give up being with her romantically.

If you decide that you really can't or don't want to be with her, then make a clean break. Tell her you need space, don't put her social media profiles where you can see them, and so on. Mourn for what you lost, but also focus on yourself and building a love of yourself and new connections. Explore your city, meet people, find a new hobby or take up an old one. Build a life that doesn't include her, at least for the time being.

As for how you identify, that's something only you can work out. When you feel sexual attraction, who do you feel it to?