navigating single life

[Kela]

Hi guys

So, long story short, I find myself single again. I won't go into the reasons why, that's a whole other thread haha, but I know that this time I intend to stay single for a while at least. The thing is, the thought really scares me I haven't been properly single for a few years now (in that I was either in a relationship or at least talking to guys), and before that I was very young, and have changed a lot in this time...I think part of this worry of being single is the fact that I've spent so much time putting myself to others, doing things for others, I guess when I stop and look at myself I'm not sure I recognise the person I see. How do I make it a less scary place?

[Heather]

How about starting with this: can you sit with a reply box to this thread and just start listing out all of the things in life you'd like to do, for yourself, big and small?

Often, when someone has rarely been single, or hasn't for a long while, a lot of things have gotten lost and forgotten if they haven't been things a partner or partners have also been interested in doing with you. One of the big benefits of singlehood is not having to mostly do only what someone else wants to, and having more time to explore the things you have really wanted to.

[Kela]

okay, lets see...,
travel
get a new 'look'-reinvent myself
get fit (i already go to the gym, but improve my fitness levels)
move out and get my own place
do things ive never done before (eg paintballing, rock climbing)
read and learn new things
make more friends
improve my mental wellbeing (im already in regular counselling, but i would like to get to a point where i feel genuinely and consistently okay)
look into new job opportunities
try new foods and ways to get healthy
i can probably think of more too

[Heather]

That sounds like a great start to me!

One thing I'm seeing in there -- or think I might be, I could be off-base -- is a focus on changing yourself. I'd actually suggest, especially given what I know about you from your history here, that you see if you can't think more about getting to know yourself, exploring yourself, and accepting yourself. I'd also suggest you do what you can to put your focus on things besides how you look to yourself or others, and see if you can't put it more on how you feel, on experiences AS experiences (rather than as something to do with a goal in mind, like "getting fit").

One of the reasons I bring that up is that if being single is something you think about as time to basically make yourself "better" for yet another partner in the future, you'll be really missing the boat. Not only do I think that kind of focus is just going to keep you stuck in some ways you have been, it also seems like you'd be cheating yourself of the experience of getting to know who you are AS you are. One cool thing, IME, about being single is that you really get to focus on you, as you are, and on enjoying time with that person, rather than trying to better or change her. Know what I mean?

With those things you haven't done before: what else can you think of? And can you maybe pick two or three of those and make some concrete plans, like finding a rock climbing wall and making an appointment for an initial lesson?

[Kela]

I am covering issues with self-esteem in my counselling, through my work with my counsellor I have come to realise most of my issues around anxiety boil down to low self-esteem. I guess you've probably noticed a similar theme through what you know of me here

So I suppose part of it is about changing myself, but I don't think its about changing myself for someone else, to be honest right now the last thing I want is to entertain the possibility of another relationship.

I intend to start looking for opportunities for a new hobby soon, right now money is an issue though :/

[Heather]

I can't tell you how happy I am you finally have been able to get into counseling and stick with it. It sounds like it's really been benefitting you, which is what I'd hoped, and am so happy to hear has come to pass.

Maybe a way you can do this is just to be sure that for any given thing you put energy into to "improve" or change or "reinvent" yourself, you have something you're putting just as much energy into that accepts and celebrates who you are, exactly as you are?

[Kela]

it is definitely benefitting me massively, I cant believe how fast time goes though, November I will already have been in counselling for a year?! crazy I still struggle with anxiety, and sometimes suffer setbacks, but I feel like I can manage it better now when it does happen.

ill be honest heather...how can I do that if, really, deep down, I don't like myself that much?

[Heather]

I think that's a really good question, and I certainly get how that can feel like a conundrum.

Of course, it's also a bit of a Catch-22: how can you like yourself if you don't put effort into accepting and celebrating yourself, but how can you do THAT if you don't see anything worthy of acceptance or celebration? It's brain-breaky, to be sure.

IMO, I think one way to start is just with baby steps: by finding even very small things you do like, or at least think you could, and working with those. If you can spend some real time and energy doing that, then you'll start to really have something to build on. And the more you start to do that acceptance, the easier it gets to find more things you do like about yourself, and thus, the more things to explore, accept and celebrate. Make sense?

I think some of this also involves taking some positive risks. For instance, you mentioned moving out and getting a place on your own (or with housemates, which is usually more economically realistic for people). That's a risk, but it's one where you probably will find things about yourself to like you didn't have before, like even just getting through the logistical challenges independent living create. Travel is another goodie for this: sometimes when we put ourselves in a different context than we have been, we get to see parts of ourselves we haven't before, or can see ourselves differently than we have in those new contexts or environments.

I'd also say that a little faith can go a long way. You may not believe just yet that you are worthy of celebration or acceptance, or really feel that, but everyone has the ability to figure that how they feel about something may not be right, and to go into things with an open mind and at least a sense of possibility of having been wrong. In other words, do you think you could at least try and figure that your low sense of yourself may be real, but isn't actually right, and be open to discovering that there's more to like, value and appreciate about yourself than you've found so far?