we have this 'thing'

[imaddicted]

Me and this guy at school , we flirt and I would stay we have this thing going on between us. The other night when we were hanging out together we started to talk about sex and how we are both virgins and I said I was ready for it and he said he was ready for it but I don't know whether we should do anything even though he did surgest it. Should I have sex with him or not, I want to but I don't at the same time because we are good friends.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, imaddicted! Have you talked to your friend about your concerns? It sounds like so far you two have been pretty great about communicating your feelings and wants.

Ideally, there is never any 'should' about sex, and everyone always gets to decide that they're not comfortable with something or would rather not go ahead with it. Just because he made the suggestion or because you thought it sounded like a good idea at the time does not mean that either of you are now obligated to go along with it. You both get to make up your mind about whether this feels good for you and you also get to change your minds.

If you want to talk through any concerns with us here before you bring them up with him, please let us know!

[imaddicted]

I told some of my friends about me and this guy ( this guy wanted to keep our talk a secret) and one of them told the guy and now he's acting like we didn't have the talk he's giving me mixed signals that he are cool or not cool you know but I still kind of like him and want to do 'the thing' with him but I don't know what to do now

[Heather]

You know, it's one thing for someone to ask for people to afford them privacy in their sexual lives. On the other hand, asking someone to keep things a secret -- especially when the things are something as simple as expressing sexual interest in you -- is a red flag.

It doesn't tend to feel good to be someone's sexual "secret," and I'd assume that if he's asking you to even keep this talk secret, were you to enter into a sexual relationship with them, they'd ask you to have all of that be a secret, too. If that's the case -- and you can find out by asking him about this -- I'd put in a vote for a no-go on being sexual with this person by that token alone.

I'd also look at your own feelings: you seem to be very clearly expressing you don't feel anything close to 100% yay about this, and that right there is a big indication that going forward probably wouldn't be good for you. When a sexual decision is a good one for us, or a sexual relationship, we will tend to feel very happy and certain about it, not uncertain and conflicted.