Depressed Sibling

[stlyogi9]

Hello all,

I am posting here because I feel helpless. I have a younger sibling who suffers from extreme depression and anxiety. He has attempted suicide twice. He's not very open with any of the family members in my opinion, but everyone else thinks he is very open with me. I would love it if he would check in with me daily about how he's feeling but I know that that is impossible. Some days he just doesn't feel like doing anything, let alone talking to me. I understand depression and fully accept that it is a real disease and a serious issue. He goes to therapy and takes medication but I don't know if he'll ever be a fully functioning adult. He does have a job and rides public transportation to get there, so that's good. He just started his junior year of college and has already missed some classes and feels like he's drowning under all the work. I try to help as much as I can but I feel like he's just pushing me away. He and his ex had a huge falling out and everything at school just reminds him of that person. It's been six months and he still can't get over it. He posts on his tumblr blog and I will admit to looking at it on a regular basis because I feel like it's the only way that I can check in with him. He asked me not to look at it but it's on the internet for anyone to see (including complete strangers). There have been multiple times where I have seen a depressing/suicidal post and have had to take measures to have people check in with him, like family members or friends of his. I can't even live my life because all I do is worry about him. I am dreading the day when I don't check in on him or I haven't spoken with him for a few days and I come to find out that he has successfully taken his own life. How can I detach from him and his issues? They're seeping into my own life. Am I being too dramatic? Or taking his posts/moods too seriously? Should I go to therapy myself?

Any advice would be nice. Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi stlyogi9,

That's a really rough situation to be in, for both you and him. I would vote yes on seeing a counselor/therapist yourself, both because it would give you a safe space to work through the emotions you have around this, but also because they can help you develop ways of supporting your brother.

I think something that might be useful is to talk to him and say "when you're feeling X way, what would be a helpful thing for me to do?" Give him the chance to tell you what he thinks would help when he's feeling low, and see if it's something you're capable of doing. You'll feel less at a loss for what to do, he'll feel as though he has say in how people help him, and you're not becoming his entire support system. Does that make sense?