Scared to get an HIV test, How do I calm down?

[Anonigator]

I haven't been sexually active for close to 8 months, and my last time I had unprotected sex (anal and vaginal) with this guy I was in a relationship with. At the time I trusted him when he said he was clean, but when I look back at it, deep down, I worry.
I've been tested for everything else and I'm negative. For everything. I haven't been sick at all, but I just feel it's time. I'm just so worried I could be HIV positive after some poor judgement on my part. I'm only 23.
Please help me calm down so I actually do this.

[Heather]

You know, if it helps to hear something personal, way back in the day when you had to wait for weeks or even months (not 20 minutes) for results from an HIV test, and when I had more partners than most of you will probably ever have (generational differences: the 80s, so not like now), and people were literally dropping dead left and right from AIDS, since we lacked all the information and treatment we have now, including some people I knew myself, I remember my first test, and I was sweating buckets.

I was fine, and the same is said of every HIV test I've had ever after, but by all means, I get you, it's scary. But IMO, not knowing is so much scarier. That first time around, while waiting a couple months on that SO sucked, getting the(negative) results at the end was totally worth it.

But I think you need to remember this: it's not the 80s. HIV is actually rare in most populations these days (as in, not HIV drug users, not in an undeveloped nation, not having multiple partners in short periods of time). And getting tested doesn't make a person positive or negative, it just tells you what's going on. So, whether someone gets tested or not doesn't change anything...save potentially saving their life if they ARE positive, so they can start treatment, because again, not the 80s: HIV is not a death sentence, not by a serious long shot. No small deal, that.

All you've got to get through now to get HIV tested is a sweating-buckets-wait of about twenty minutes. So, if you can just get yourself into your healthcare provider so they can do that swab, this is a very short time to have to wait. Think you can manage that?

[Anonigator]

Yeah, I think I can make it. There's a free clinic I'm going to call tomorrow (they're closed today) and make an appointment for this week.

I do worry slightly about that mutiple partners issue. I don't think it could've heightened my risk for HIV too much but I did have a couple partners after, but it was all protected, and at the time HIV didn't cross my mind. I still had trust in him.

This will probably sound awful, but last summer I was in the relationship with him, and we broke it off in September. October I tried a friends with benefits type thing and it only happened twice. Then January I tried again with someone else, only happened once, then tried one last time in Februray, with another guy, and it only worked for a couple of times. Of course they were all protected.

I haven't had sex since, but about a month ago I was talking to someone who was telling about the guy I had a relationship with and she didn't say he had anything, but just his conduct gave me cause for concern. She did have a relationship with him a few years ago, and was unprotected with him, but she said she tested negative.

But it's best to know for sure, right? I'm just nervous I made some crucial mistake before I turned 25.

[Heather]

Nothing you are saying sounds awful: quite average, truly.

For sure, to know our own status, we need to test and ignorance truly is never bliss with this stuff. And moving forward, do you need any help setting limits with always using safer sex?

[Anonigator]

Yeah. My biggest hurtle will be to actually call and set up an appointment. I just spent a month not calling.

Probably so. I take birth control regularly and for some reason, STIs haven't really been top priority on my mind. And I like sex. I don't want to vow off condom-less sex forever though. You know?

Is trusting your gut instinct good in this case? Like deep down, I really don't think I have HIV, but there's just a voice in my head saying, "what if".

I don't know what I'd do if it came back HIV positive.

[Anonigator]

Also, I keep reading stuff about HIV online and then freak out and tell myself I MUST have HIV. That's probably not good.

[Karyn]

It's definitely not good. So, how about you do what you can to stop yourself reading endlessly about HIV? That's one really easy way to help dial down some of your stress around this. I also think that worrying about what you would do if the result came back positive isn't likely to help you feel any better: you haven't been tested yet, you don't know what the result will be, so focusing on what-ifs isn't productive.

One thing you might find helpful in actually making an appointment is to have someone there with you when you phone, for moral support and to encourage you to just get it done. Or, you could tell a friend that you have this thing to do that's making you nervous, but you need to get it done, so could they check in with you at the end of x day (whenever you're planning to call) to make sure you've followed through. Do either of those two options sound like they might work?

[Anonigator]

Thanks, Karyn! I'm keeping that in mind. Everything tells me HIV is a horrific, scary thing. It feels like once you have HIV, people won't want you...

I just texted someone and I'm calling today. They'll call around 4 to check so here we go!

[Heather]

You can also use our SMS (text) direct service, if you like, while you're waiting for the results of your test.

[Anonigator]

Thanks! I'll look into that! My appointment will be tomorrow morning. I feel really nervous right now.

When I think about it, close to a week after sex, I had a sore throat that lasted for a week. Now I'm internally freaking out!

[Anonigator]

Also, how do I do the text service?

[Heather]

So, here's the thing: if HIV manifested clear symptoms like that....well, it would be a LOT less dangerous than it is. It wouldn't have been so hard to turn the rates of it around. STI testing wouldn't be something a bunch of people needed. In a word, the thought you can "feel" having HIV or not emotionally, or that you can get symptoms right away? That's all fallacy and not fact. It's, again, going to be how you think when anxiety is driving the car.

What it sounds like you need to do is to manage your anxiety right now. To do what you can to care for yourself when you're freaking, so you can calm down, think rationally, and just move forward and do this, knowing you're doing what you need to and all anyone can here, both with getting tested, and with moving forward with a commitment to safer sex practices, every time, regardless of what someone says about their status.

So, what can you do to take care of yourself right now, and until tomorrow? What are some things you have done in the past for you that have worked when you're scared or stressed?

(I do want to also make clear that HIV+ people are not social or sexual pariahs. There are many HIV+ people with partners and many without, just like there are with people without HIV. So, I get you're scared, but I do want to ask that you try and avoid posting things here that enable stigma around HIV or other infectious diseases, because while it seems unlikely you are HIV+, others reading may not be, and we work hard to try and keep this a space where anyone with illness can feel like they get a break from that kind of stuff, rather than finding it here like they can in so many other places. Too, I will ask for people not to focus on their fears about a reality that isn't theirs: in other words, let's not talk about HIV as if you have it, because one thing that does is really dismiss the reality of someone who does, even if that's not -- and I'm sure it's not -- what you mean to do, okay? Thanks.)

[Heather]

The guide to our direct services is here: http://www.scarleteen.com/need_help_now ... t_services

The SMS number is listed right in the menu.

[Anonigator]

Okay, thank you Heather. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

I just get super anxious, but about everything. I don't mean too though. I'll be better. Take deep breaths and all that.

I did the same thing when I once thought I was pregnant, but I'll just calm down...

[Heather]

Like I said, I figured you didn't. Just trying to keep the space here comfortable and feeling emotionally safe for everyone.

Btw, when you go to get that test, don't be afraid to lean on the clinical staff for emotional support you need. If they frequently run HIV tests, they get it, and it's not like they haven't seen people scared as hell before. That first test, IME, also always tends to be super-scary, and after you just get into the pattern of regular testing, and consistent safer sex, with every passing year, it gets easier and easier. I'm not someone who struggles with anxiety myself in this regard, but that difference in grading curve aside, at this point in my life, I've probably had 20 HIV tests, and even having lost people back when to the virus when so many people were being lost (so it's not like it isn't loaded for me, too), I literally think nothing of it anymore, and getting tested carries zero fear or anxiety for me. Point is: the way you're feeling now is probably going to be as scary as it gets, and it's going to get progressively easier from here.

Again, too, when you're through this part of things, if you want any help or coaching with how to assure that the only sex that happens is safer sex, and you're really always doing all you can to reduce these risks, I'm happy to work with you on that. It's a lot easier to feel relaxed about all of this, after all, when we know we're doing the things proven to do an excellent job at radically reducing the risk of all STIs, including HIV.

[Anonigator]

I understand.

It's super scary cause you've never done it before. I'm trying so hard to be calm. In a way, I wish I did this sooner instead of waiting a year, but I don't know, it didn't occur to me.

Safer sex is always good. Always. I like being careful. For now, I wanna see what my test results will be....

[Heather]

We live, we learn. For serious. You can't do anything about what came before, or what didn't, like not getting tested until now. All you can do now is what you can do now, which is to start getting regularly tested and start making safer sex a must, not a maybe. And rock on, because all of that is in your power!

I do think if you can manage how you're feeling, it's not like feeling scared of things that are earnestly scary is a bad thing. In fact, those feelings when they are about real things are there to protect us and can protect us so long as we don't just get stuck in them. For instance, feeling more scared of serious illness than of insisting a sexual a partner use a condom is a good thing, because the former is scary and the latter should truly be nothing if said partner isn't a total jerk.

You're being proactive now with those feelings, and with the actions you can take, so clearly that -- using these feelings to care for yourself better -- is the route you're going. All good.

[Anonigator]

That's true! Thank you! I must ask though, is HIV primarily carried through fluid?

[Heather]

HIV can be transmitted through four fluids: blood, semen, vaginal fluids or breast milk. It's not about how it is "primarily" carried: these are the only four body fluids it can be transmitted through, and it is an infection that is only transmitted via these body fluids.

For more information about it, check this intensive piece right here on the site: Positively Informed: An HIV/AIDS Roundup.

That said, staying focused on this is not the way to calm yourself down and manage anxiety, it's the way to stir it up more. So again, I would advise putting your energy into self-care today, not on HIV education.

[Anonigator]

Thanks! I'll read up on this!

I feel slightly more positive about this test. He never ejaculated in me, anywhere. I suppose precum could carry some of the virus.

[Heather]

Seriously, after I answer this, why don't you step away from here and online to care for yourself?

It doesn't matter what kind of penis fluid we are talking about, it's the same deal for ejaculate or pre-ejaculate. Which it is makes no difference when it comes to any STIs, including HIV.

[Anonigator]

Okay. Thank you so much. I'll stop.