New Relationship Going to End Because of Assault

[BeginAnyway]

Hi all,

I don't know where to start. I was raped by an ex and have recently been going through some minimal related legal things and things at my school about it.

I started dating someone about 6 months ago. I met this person by hooking up with him. I was in kind of a hyper-sexual phase after the rape. Rather than just hooking up we got together. After the first few months the effects of the rape really started to hit me in a different way, and I wanted to not be sexual at all. It's been that way ever since.

At first when my sex drive dropped off, he would be really frustrated with me not wanting to have sex. (He does know about the rape though.) It caused a lot of problems. I know that it's not fair to my partner to expect that he be monogamous with me but have essentially zero sex, especially when he's a pretty needy person in that area. So I started really trying to make an effort, having sex 4+ times a week, etc. But now he is upset again because the sex is not fulfilling to him because he says he can tell I am not into it. (Even though I am trying to be sexy for him and all, and I am sometimes into it at some points.) I've asked him what would make it better for him, and he just keeps saying for me to be into it. No concrete actions, even when I ask for more specifics.

I don't know what to do because I'm NOT into it, and I don't know how to be. I don't think that I ever could be again. It's not that I don't love him and find him sexy. It's just that I don't want to be touched. Sex makes me a little nauseous, not excited. I am willing to fake it but I can't get enough information about what to do out of him.

Now he wants to take space to "think about things." I don't know what to do because I have tried being true to myself and not having sex and I have tried putting his needs first and having sex, and neither seemed to be the answer. It's like in order to be happy he needs the effects of my rape to just disappear, and I can't just make that happen. It doesn't help that the person who raped me was a partner, and one of his excuses for doing so was that I did not live up to the amount of sex that he expected from me. I feel broken and useless (because people my age are supposed to be obsessed with sex) and like I will never make a good partner for anyone. I'll be devastated if he leaves me over this.

[Sam W]

Hi BeginAnyway,

I'm so sorry that you went through and assault, and that you're still feeling the effects of it. I just want to ask, have you been in touch with a local rape crisis center or counselor? That kind of resource can be really useful when you're healing from an assault, so if you haven't looked into them yet, I encourage you to do so.

As for your new guy, while I believe you that he has good qualities and that you like being with him, I have to say that I am not getting a good vibe on from him. That he pouts or whines or hints at breaking up because you're not having "enough" sex, or sex that fits his exact expectations. I mean, he knows that you were assaulted, yet he's upset that you're not into sex that he's essentially pressuring you to have? That is not the action of a good partner. That might sound harsh, but it's true. A good partner will, if they know you have a history of assault, let you set the pace and respect your boundaries and communicate with you. Heck, that's what a good partner does even if there is no assault in the picture. You not wanting to have sex, not feeling comfortable with it is enough. You don't owe him sex, you don't owe anyone any amount of sex based upon their idea of how much sex everyone else is having. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

I'm heading out for the day, but I want to back Sam up, and add that if this guy ends this (and honestly, sounds like something you should consider yourself), it won't be because of assault or your process after assault.

Sounds to me like it'd be because this guy is a bit of a tool - and more than a bit of one if he knows about your assault history and that that's your big why for not being into sex right now - and not someone with the kind of emotional maturity, sensitivity or ability to work through the inevitable tough parts of things that not just any survivor would need, but that really anyone who wants real intimacy and closeness with someone would.

You're not broken, you're healing and dealing. But it does sound like something in this relationship is, just not what you're thinking.

No one ever owes anyone else sex, including in sexual relationships. If someone in one is finding that they want a kind of sexual life or frequency that doesn't work for the other person, for any reason, it's on them to own that, not on the other person to force themselves into sex they don't want to try and satisfy and keep that person. That's such bad news for anyone, but the biggest bad news for someone with any history of sexual abuse, assault or an otherwise abusive relationship.

Lastly, please know there is no age at which people are, or are supposed to be, obsessed with or all about sex. Human sexuality and sexual lives are just way, way more diverse than that. Even if your not-into wasn't about assault, that would be okay, and other people your age aren't for a range of reasons, including no reason at all.

[BeginAnyway]

Hi Sam and Heather,

Thanks for the response. Yes, I've been able to have a counselor, which is good and has helped a lot. Unfortunately we haven't really discussed this issue as it is not one I feel totally comfortable discussing (and when I've kind of come to the edge of it, my counselor unfortunately seems a little uncomfortable, too.) She is great for other things about the assault though.

Yeah, I am kind of frustrated with him, too. But for people my age... I really think that there is no one that is going to be willing to be with me and not have sex. Like, I agree with what you're both saying in a perfect world, but in my experience there are not really many people out there that are like that in reality. Even if those people are out there, I don't think that they would want to be with me because I (clearly) have a lot of problems and "a long list of ex lovers" as Taylor Swift would say, which guys have tended to not like about me. I don't really know that what I have to offer is worth putting up with all of the problems I have if I also take sex out of the equation. And I don't want to be alone forever.

And besides all of that, I really love my partner. I want to be with him, even though he is admittedly a little crappy on this front. I would put in whatever work or do whatever he needed to be happy. It just seems like on this particular issue.... I have no idea how to fix it. I can't make myself want sex right now.

[Kaizen]

"I don't really know that what I have to offer is worth putting up with all of the problems I have if I also take sex out of the equation. And I don't want to be alone forever."

When you look at things this way, you're basically setting up sex as a commodity, as something that you do for your partner in exchange for them "putting up with" you and your history.
Yes, sometimes exchanges are a part of compromise. But as far as being in a relationship with someone goes, you should never have to give something in exchange for "acknowledging and accepting all of the things that make me 'me', including my past". That's what a relationship is. If someone is not willing to do that, it's not a sign that you have to make it up to them, it's a sign that they're not a good partner for you, possibly not a good partner at all.

(I just had that particular thing I wanted to say. I'm sure someone else will respond to the rest of your post.)

[Sunshine]

I am going to be late for work, but I feel the urge to log in here briefly just to say this to you:

There are people in the world who will be with you for you, no matter how many personal problems and / or traumatic experiences you have, and who will honestly try to respect your boundaries. Yes, even male people. I didn't think they existed either until I met one, but they do. They're a rare and valuable species and can take a while to find, but they're not like unicorns or dragons. They're real.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are, not for the sex you provide. You deserve to be with someone who does their best to support you in dealing with your past experiences and who doesn't try to pressure you into enjoying sex when you're just not able to. It's totally okay not to want sex for a while, for whatever reason. It's a bodily need and if your body is telling you Not Now, then listen to it and don't feel guilty about that. You wouldn't eat if you weren't hungry and just the sight of food made you feel queasy, would you? And you wouldn't think it acceptable if a partner tried to force food down your throat or nagged you about it or made you feel inadequate for not having an appetite?

Sorry for being so "do this, do that" on you, but I'm in a rush and not watching my words right now. I just feel very strongly about this.

Look out for yourself, okay?

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor, that's a great step in taking care of yourself I would encourage you to try bringing this issue up once, just to see where it leads.

I can't add too much to what Kaizen and Sunshine said, so I'll just ask this as something for you to consider: You mention that you love this dude and you'd do whatever it takes to make him happy. Would he do the same for you? Not in some hypothetical future, but right now, in this moment of the relationship.

[Heather]

I don't want to load too much on here, given you have so many responses, but I do want to add that presuming this guy is otherwise amazing, and you want to try and stay in this relationship, your next step is to talk very honestly with him about all of this, saying all you have said here. Have you done that already? If so, how did it go?

If not, then again, that's the next step, as is setting some healthy limits and boundaries for yourself, such as making clear that you can't control how your process goes with healing from your assault in this regard, and he needs to simply accept that this is the place you're in with it. If he can't, he can't, and it's time for you two to move on from each other, or figure out a different kind of relationship that works better for you both. If he is as all-in this relationship as you are, and he thinks he can accept this and work with you with it like a committed partner would, then some things need to happen, like him stopping asking for sex and talking about how he's not getting what he wants here for now.

Ready to take those steps?