What is love?

[Ashleah]

The word love gets thrown around a lot but what does it actually mean? I love my husband, I love my children, I love my friends, and I love brownies with fudge icing. And while I love all of these people/things, the way I feel about each is very different!

So what does it really mean to love someone or something? How do you know that it is love? Is there a difference between being in love vs. loving someone? Is there such a thing as unconditional love, and if so, is that a good thing?

Just share what love means to you.

[Mo]

This is tough! As time goes on and the kinds of relationships I have change, I often find it hard to differentiate very strongly between the love I feel for friends and what I feel for romantic or sexual partners. When I think about feeling "love" for someone, that's generally tied up in being excited about them in general. I am happy to see or talk to them, I'm invested in their successes and personal growth, and I look forward to learning more about them and sharing more about myself as well. I'm not really great at differentiating "strong affection" from "Actual Love" but that fine distinction isn't particularly important to me.

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about the idea of unconditional love. I think there are probably things my friends or partners could do that would make my feelings for them change, and that's just fine! I don't necessarily disbelieve in it as a concept, but I don't know that it's something I'm prone to feeling, and honestly I think that's good (for me).

[Sunshine]

This is another tough question...

I use the word love all the time when talking about chocolate or books or hair when I should probably stay "like very much". I do believe in "real" love though and have very idealized notions about it.

I think even it comes to Love love, there are different kinds. There's the general benevolence and concern towards all humanity that most religions demand and that's described in Christianity as "love thy neighbor". I am not religious, but I do believe in that. I try to have this basic love for everyone, to keep in mind that every human being is valuable and deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. Since I am far from a saint, though, I find that very, very difficult. When people hurt my loved ones or just show general cruelty, I can't love them. I don't wish anybody harm, I am not a fan of revenge. But I want my friends and family to be safe in every way, and that sometimes means taking sides.

I think this general love doesn't mean you can't dislike anyone. There are actually precious few people whose company I really enjoy. But I try to separate my personal preferences and issues from my ideas of other people's worth.

Then there's love on a personal level. I love my family, my partner, my friends. Besides feeling a strong affection for them and being emotionally invested in their wellbeing, being with these people makes me happy. Their presence gives me pleasure and even when they aren't around, my knowing that they exist makes me feel safer and more optimistic.

I was only what is called "in love" once. It was a very intense and ultimately destructive experience. When I realized I was hurting the person I was in love with I did all I could to stop, so I could say I got over being in love by the power of real love.

Does any of this make sense?

[Carmen]

Sunshine,
This is such an interesting discussion question. I have always thought the English language is crazy for only having one word - 'love' - for so many different things. Like you said, someone can love family, cookies, a lover, reading, etc. and each type of love is so different than the other.
I think the last point you brought up about getting over being in love by the power of love was really powerful. The differentiations we can make between "loving someone" and being "in love with someone" are really interesting - and how our love for their wellbeing can be different than our intimate love for them as a lover. Love can really mean so many different things! And even within the "in love" relationships I have been in - each of those loves have been different depending on where in my life I was and what kind of love I needed/wanted from a partner at the time.
I think you are right that there are so many different kinds of love and interpretations of the word - and it is our language that is lacking. I don't think we are given the vocabulary for expressing all these different forms and shapes love can take. And I can't decide whether I like that or not. Sometimes I think it can be a good thing, because love is such a personal experience that can never really be boxed into a single word anyways. But then we need a way to communicate our feelings, right? Maybe it is just about searching for that perfect hotspot that balances the barriers of language with the personal experiences we associate with the words we use.