Partner having trouble getting aroused?

[a810]

I've recently slept with a date, someone who I find attractive in some ways but am not incredibly attracted to. Nevertheless there were good feelings and I thought it would be fun to try. Actually, I went to his place, really initially only thinking we'd have oral but he wanted to go all the way (no pressure), so I thought well, okay, I'm already here I guess. For the record, I made the first move... teasing about oral.

Anyhow, I met this individual online, we have been on a couple dates but would say we still do not know each other extremely well. I think we get along but wouldn't say we have a strong emotional connection / incredible chemistry, like I have felt with past partners. In the past, my partners and I have paced things more slowly, we met through 'conventional' means (mutual friends, etc.) and we shared a first kiss, second... third base... all on different occasions. It was comfortably progressive.

I started out giving him a blow job (didn't seem like something he really cared a lot for - more interested in intercourse as evident later) and shockingly, he was not getting erected at all! This was a bit of a blow to the ego for me... I mean it's something I think I am quite good at, and would like to show off my 'skills'. I've been with two other partners (both boyfriends, by the time we tried something intimate), and both loved getting blow jobs! Probably even just the thought would get them excited, and the start of me putting their penises in my mouth would get them hard instantly.

So after him arousing me a bit, we proceeded to attempt intercourse but I can be very tight (added onto the fact that I wasn't very aroused) and after a few attempts at trying to find a right position to penetrate, he quickly got soft again. According to him, it was a bit of a turn off that it was so tight so he became unaroused. I suppose that makes sense, but I've never even remotely had this issue with previous partners. We often just kept trying and eventually would find the 'sweet spot'. Size is definitely not an issue (both my past partners had greater girth and length, one being significant) but it seems like shape is... his shape seems to make it more difficult to penetrate.

He says this has never happened to him before (him having apparently 20 sexual partners in the past! which I was a bit turned off at...) and I can't help but feel a little at fault after hearing that, though not guilty. He also mentioned he liked to be in control (which probably explains the lack of interest in blow jobs), and seemed to get more aroused while I was showing arousal, than me giving a hand job (which also, does not work... another first).

I guess the loaded question here is... I'm trying to decipher what happened? Is he not that interested on a personal level? (Past: boyfriends were definitely interested and were not seeing anyone else), yet he still messages me a lot and seems interested. I don't want to be too naive on that though.

He is away for work a lot, and apparently he often gets offers from women to sleep with them. So presumably he has a lot of options, and maybe really just a blow job or something means nothing to him?

I am pretty sexually open but for some reason I just feel baffled by all of this... Am I that traditional? I normally would not have intercourse with men that aren't my boyfriend... And I don't normally just offer men sex usually unless we're good on a emotional level at the very least, I just feel like it seems easy? And sex is so much better when you actually love the person and have good communication??

Admittedly, perhaps I should've thought this through more carefully or have assessed whether I was really ready to be this intimate rather then be rash and impulsive. Trying to get over my ex kind of fuelled this unusual behavior in me. In some ways it has helped, it's been a good distraction but it does make me think of really how much BETTER my ex (and maybe even the ex before my last!) was as a partner, even as a person...? I can't help but feel they seemed like just classier men who made careful decisions (hello, diseases?), not having sex with virtually anyone just because it was offered to them...

In addition, and this might be a bit of low self-esteem playing into it, but he talks a lot about other women, and how they are great. Even randomly, he points out how he saw an attractive woman driving a very nice car earlier. Like how do I benefit from knowing that? Almost to a point where I don't know if he is deliberately trying to undermine me... Which I don't see a point in that?

I'm not sure if this guy will become a boyfriend (and he said he is an unsure what he wants as well when I asked what he is looking for) but if you are interested in someone, I think you would probably in the moment see them as 'the best' - at least in my past experiences. Or at least try to make them feel that way? He had a porn star on his phone wallpaper background (he didn't seem like the type on the outside...) On an occasion, he also brought up how his ex was admirable with respect to a conversation we were having about speaking multiple languages... Like what is the point of bringing that up? I get that he still has lingering feelings for his long-time pretty, smart ex-girlfriend - I get it - I am in this stage too, but I do not go out of my way to bring it up out of respect?!

Regardless... I don't think this is the only thing he's interested in. He said he wanted to go on more dates with me, made some loose plans and that we can still try intercourse another time... lol

[Heather]

Whether or not someone likes, gets super-excited by, or reaches orgasm from a given activity isn't mostly about their partner or what they are doing: it's mostly about them. And we don't all like the same things.

So, two of your partners loved oral sex with you, and now this person didn't. Sounds like some pretty typical variation to me.

You also need to bear in mind that sex partners who are brand new to each other often will find it takes time to get comfortable with each other and find out what they like together uniquely. And if anyone, or everyone, involved is front-loading a ton unto that sex, which sounds like was happening here for you at least, it's a lot more likely for things to be a flop of some sort.

[Heather]

That all said, have you yet set that limit we talked about last time that you clearly need with new dates about talking about exes? Sounds like you haven't and like you still need to because it's clearly still not something you feel confident enough to handle.

[a810]

Hmm... I accept that everyone's differently definitely. But it still completely baffles me that a guy would not like to have a blow job? No one in all the people that I know would ever think that... Much the opposite!

I'm almost rethinking the whole 'I've slept with 20 other people' - could it be a lie? Is that even necessary? I came clean with my history and it's modest (hate to use that word here) and nothing to shout out about - I"m completely content with it. Now that I think of it, it seems almost impossible that he had intercourse with all these people and not one had issues or preferred anything other than missionary... He wasn't very swift in attempting different positions. Also, it scares me that the only form of sex that interests him is (possibly missionary) intercourse... Surely, that's going to get boring fast...

This is the same guy, I didn't think I would consider seeing him again but I have decided to give it another shot / some time. I haven't yet brought up the exes issue because we really have just been on a couple dates and I think it might be too soon to be coming off as 'so serious' and correcting behavior. But it is definitely my intention to if I see that we are progressing to a good place...

[Kaizen]

I think the thing to think about is, like Heather asked last time,

So, why analyze this or try and -- what sounds to me, anyway -- talk yourself into something or someone it seems like you're getting internal cues isn't a thing for you?

You have said that
-- This guy doesn't enjoy a sexual activity you really enjoy (Which is really all that is relevant re: the oral sex.)
-- You're "not incredibly attracted to" him
-- You seem to prefer having sex in committed relationships ("And sex is so much better when you actually love the person and have good communication??") and this guy seems not to share that preference
-- You don't trust what he says about his own history
-- You're judging him for having done something that you initiated and willingly participated in
-- You're thinking about elements of his behavior that you want to change

That's a lot of negatives about pursuing this... what positives are you seeing?

[Heather]

I just want to add a couple things here for you.

But it still completely baffles me that a guy would not like to have a blow job? No one in all the people that I know would ever think that... Much the opposite!

Sounds like everyone you know is pretty misinformed or ignorant/uneducated about human sexuality, then. Bummer.

Let's say you like getting oral sex yourself, or kissing. The idea that that will mean that getting oral sex from, or kissing, anyone and everyone, or that you'll always like those things in every situation, with every partner, should hopefully strike you as silly, because it is. About as silly as, say, figuring that you like to have dinner, but that doesn't mean that you will like every possible thing you could have for dinner. You might like kissing, but you're almost inevitably going to have some experiences in your life where kissing doesn't feel good, or right, or do it for you, or where it's awesome with one person, but with the next, is something you don't find you like at all.

There's literally nothing every person -- or every age of person, or gender, or any other huge group made up of billions of people -- will like, get off on, or want to do. If you or the people you know have the idea that the exception to this rule is dudes and blow jobs, please dump that notion, because it's so very wrong. (It's also often based in some stereotypes and sexualization of guys, falling under the messed-up rubric that if it's sex or about their penis, guys like it. Not true, and also something that puts an awful lot of sexual and masculinity pressure on dudes.)

Same goes with the idea that every guy likes blow jobs in the first place. Not everyone does. Just like not everyone likes cunnilingus, or intercourse, or kissing...or dessert, or warm weather or the Transformer movies. People are simply much more diverse than that, so much more.

I also wanted to pitch to you that, in my personal experience, and also when it comes to paying attention to how these things play out for people in the nearing two decades I've worked in this field, I've tended to notice that by and large, if people aren't feeling strong chemistry and at least liking each other in a pretty big way before any sexual activity, moving to sexual activity tends to be a bad idea, because it's usually going to go about the same way as hanging out is. You had some pretty strong conflicted feelings about this guy (and your own headspace per even just dating right now), and you two didn't seem to be feeling each other when you went out of that date before this. So, it's not s shocker to me that you didn't hit it off in the sack, either.

Moving forward, I'd suggest really checking in with yourself and following your gut with this stuff: when you are in any way "Oh, bleh!" or just not feeling like things are just rocking with someone in some big way, pay attention to those feelings and figure -- unless you just aren't caring very much about what kind of sexual experience you have and if it's likely to be any good (which is certainly everyone's right, but that doesn't sound like you in any of this) -- usually best to take a pass.

[a810]

Duly noted. Thanks everyone for your comments.