On birth control but I want him to still use a condom...

[Lexilou]

I'm a 22 year old female who is currently on the pill. I've been on the pill for about 5 years now due to irregular periods but I am now also using the pill as a form of birth control. I'm in my second longish term relationship of 10 months and I recently lost my virginity (a few months into the current relationship).

Basically, my boyfriend has started to talk about not wearing condoms. He's been saying it for a while and we've discussed it a lot. He knows I'm not really for no condoms but he says that the condoms hurt him and make it harder for him to ejaculate (we've gone without twice now and I can see the difference). I've told him my worries - I'm not 100% reliable when it comes to remembering to take my pill and also the mess kinda weirds me out (stupid I know but I'm somewhat OCD about germs particularly those from bodily fluids)...

We know we're both safe on the STD front (I made him get tested before we became sexually active) so I guess this doesnt have any impact on whether we should or shouldn't use a condom.

I've suggested he tried a larger size condom (he says he's above average in width) but he doesn't think it will help which strikes me as a cop out answer but I trust him (or I wouldnt be with him) and I'm pretty sure he's not just making excuses...

I want to stay on the pill because of the benefits of regulating my period so switching to a different form of birthcontrol (one I dont have to remember, such as the implant) worries me that my periods would be messed up from it... also my mood swings also plays a large role in not wanting the implant... if I have horrid mood swings from the hormones while on the pill I can just switch pills.... the implant would need to be removed and it just seems more hassle, especially since I seem tonhave found a pill that works well for me...

I told him I don't want a sprog and he agrees and says he can withdraw and I told him that idea was stupid and unreliable. What other options are there?

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards, Lexilou.

You're sounding very clear that you want to go on using condoms. I can pass you some other options - and will, in a moment - but I really want to lead by responding to and honouring the wish that you're expressing.

If you want to use condoms, if using condoms is what you feel most comfortable and best about, then you get to have that. You have the right to decide that you only want to have intercourse using a condom, if that does indeed turn out to be what you want. You're the person who would physically become pregnant, so what you feel and think about your level of protection, what you need to feel safe and happy and confident?- it matters. It's also about your body, and inside your body, no less, so no matter what your reasons - be they to do with STI risk or pregnancy risk or bodily fluids or anything else - your feelings about what you do and don't want happening to your body are absolutely fine and absolutely yours to have.

Wanting to use a second method with the pill is a good plan generally - even though the pill is highly effective, the very best way of preventing pregnancy is to combine it with something else. It's especially wise if you know your pill-taking isn't completely reliable. Withdrawal is a legitimate method of contraception, but it's definitely the easiest to mess up, and therefore it's one of the least effective in typical use. It relies heavily on the person with the penis knowing their own body and sexual responses extremely well, and being extremely responsible and self-controlled every single time. If you don't feel okay about someone else having that kind of responsibilty for something that would ultimately affect your body and not theirs, that's totally okay, and you're very much not alone in that. Other methods that you could use in combination with the pill are Cervical Barriers (Diaphragms, Lea's Shield and Cervical Caps), Spermicides, and the Sponge. There are also inside ("female") condoms, which some people prefer generally or when outside ("male") condoms aren't working out well.

By all means have a read about those methods if you like. However, I'd suggest that you don't simply straight away switch out condoms for one of them. You've made pretty clear that you want to use condoms, so, Not using condoms doesn't seem like a compromise! I confess I raise my eyebrows a litle at his apparent unwillingness/disinterest at experimenting with different condoms to try to trouble-shoot his issues with them. It's perfectly possible that he's having the issues he says he is; what is extremely unlikely is that he would have those issues with all kinds and brands of condom. If the condoms he's using do hurt him, and he is larger than average in width, then you were spot-on with the suggestion of trying large condoms, because the condom being too tight around the girth is the obvious likely problem. Him not attempting to solve his own difficulties with them sends the message that he's not very invested in your wishes and needs here, and not invested in finding a condom that would suit him and feel good. If he's assuming that he can have things the way he wants and that the compromise will be all on your side... well, that's not okay. He needs to do his part here too.

When you express needs or preferences to him around other things, how does that go?