I think we're friends with benefits, but I want an actual relationship?

[Volleygirl22]

I've posted a question about this guy I like, before. We ended up talking about sex, and both said it's something we'd love to do, so we did. We still talk and everything, so no issues there. But in the back of my head, I'm having the feeling that was the start of a friends with benefits relationship. I want to be in an actual relationship with him though. I have really strong feelings for him, and sex really amplified that. How can I bring this up to him? Should I just say outright that I want a relationship with him? Also, lately, whenever I see him, I think about sex. I want to do it with him again. Is that something I should talk about, when I ask about the relationship, or should I just make a move?

[Sam W]

Hi volleygirl,

I think this is one of those instances where being direct is your best bet. So, you and he could talk about what you each want from this relationship, and then see if those desires are compatible. I will say that it's sound to take some time for yourself to think about what you'll do if his answer doesn't match with you needs.

[Volleygirl22]

Okay, I'll do that. This is probably somerhing I'd get a different answer from everyone about, but would you say it's bad that we had sex even though we aren't in a relationship? Neither one of us has been with anyone else, and we still talk about it once in a while

[Amanda]

Hi Volleygirl,

I don't think anyone here at Scarleteen would say it's "bad" that you had sex. If sex was something you wanted to do, that your partner wanted to do, and that you felt ready for, I am totally unwilling to make any kind of value judgement about it. People can have mature, mutually fulfilling sexual experiences or relationships with one another without being in a long-term or monogamous partnership. The key to these kinds of relationships though is the same for ANY kind of relationship, and that is mutual respect for one another's boundaries and feelings, and strong communication about and negotiation of expectations. So I'm with Sam: you should talk it out, and be prepared for whatever may come out of the conversation.