My mom doesn't think I'm ready?

[ariarlert]

My boyfriend (who is 16, I'm 14) have talked about sex quite a bit. We've held off on it for awhile because I didn't think I was ready to lose my virginity yet and he respected that, well now I feel that I'm ready. My mom and I can talk about sex openly and we've discussed the importance of safe sex, consent, being ready, etc. She said I shouldn't have sex until I'm 16. My mom knows my boyfriend and thinks he's great and all that good stuff. I just don't know what to do because I feel I'm ready for this, I've told him I'm ready for this big step, but I'm so worried about my mom finding out and what she thinks of me. What do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi ariarlert,

It's great that your comfortable talking about sex with your mom. One thing to consider is that, even for people who have great relationships and communication with their parents, telling your parents you've had or are planning to have sex is not an automatic leap. In other words, things like the choice to have sex get to stay as private as you and your partner want them to. And many (I'd wager most) people ever explicitly tell their parents they're having sex

As for the readiness, it sounds like you've given this a lot of thought, but in case you need some more information and resources, these two pieces are great: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[Carmen]

I second Sam's advice
It does sound like you are actively thinking about this and making conscious decisions which is super awesome.
It can for sure feel really weird to not share with your mom something like having sex for the first time - especially when it sounds like you two communicate about sex as much as you do.Sam is right that this is not something you, by any means, have to tell her if you do not want to. It is totally a decision that's all about you!
If, however, it feels like a part of your life you do want to keep sharing with her, do you think you could express to her something like you did here? Or maybe just even tell you are going to (or have) had sex and that you know are ready and that it is a positive thing for you?
Whatever feels best for you

[Heather]

You might also consider showing her the link to our readiness checklist, so you have more tangible things to discuss than "it's just a bad idea." You could ask her to look at sections on it where she feels like you don't have what you probably need yet, whether that's about access to sexual healthcare, communication skills, or even about where she might feel your boyfriend doesn't have things yet.

You can also ask her to be more specific about why she thinks it would be a good idea when you're 16, but a bad one now: what does she think or know will be different for you then? What does she feel like makes whatever kind of sex you're already having seem like a good fit for you now, but wouldn't be the same with intercourse?

With these kinds of conversations, it's really helpful for everyone involved to be more specific than vague, and to talk about things calmly and with clear communication.

I do want to add, in case it's something you want to know or consider for yourself, that 14 is certainly on the young end when it comes to intercourse: on average, that's a kind of sex more people now are only starting to be part of (when they are at all) around 17, rather than 14, and part of the why with that often is things like that managing contraception, STI testing -- for both of you -- managing your own transportation and costs for those things, sexual communication and the extra risks intercourse involves other kinds of sex don't, or don't present as high of risks of is really challenging for very young teens to do, and does tend to be easier to manage with just a couple more years. And of course, when it happens, an unplanned pregnancy is a lot more challenging and hard, per your health, and practically and financially, for someone 14 than for someone even just a couple to a few years older.

One more thing you might want to look at -- alone or with your Mom -- is this: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals. Something we know from study is that the younger a person is, the more unrealistic their expectations tend to be with sex, especially intercourse (like thinking that it's going to feel, physically or emotionally, bigger or way different than whatever kind of sex you're already having, when really, the only big differences tend to be increased health and emotional risks).