Very Sexualy Confused Teenager

[Tarho]

Hello, I'm a 14 year old male and recently I have been feeling seriously confused about my sexuality.

During most of my life I always assumed I was heterosexual, I felt atracted romantically and sexualy by women, and I never quite felt atracted by men, except 1 or 2 times on childwood (but they didn't ment alot, and they weren't very strong feelings).
One year ago when I was on 8th grade, I started to feel physically atracted to a guy on my class and I had some weird dreams about him, but I sort of ignored it in general and I kept going with my life, eventually school was over, I went to vacation and I got away from that guy and my feelings kind of went away.

This year I came back to school... And well, hell started for me. I started to feel that I had feeling for some guys, mostely another guy that showed up in my class. This time I didn't quite ignored it and I started to try to understand if I was bisexual or even homosexual... I started to try to imagine if it was okay for me to have sex or a relationship with a guy, I tried to compare my atraction of guys and girls.
For one side I felt very sexually atracted to guys of my age and I felt generaly atracted to women. So my initial tought was that I was maybe slightly bisexual and feeling more atracted to women.

Unfortunately I still felt very confused about my sexuality. When I tried to masturbate or feel sexualy atracted by women, I notessed that my libido for them has severily drop, I don't know if this happen just because I feel confused and when I think on women my sexual orientation problems come to my head or if its just other reason. I also spend most of my day thinking about this and I can't take it out of my head, I sometimes feel incredibly depressed and during those moments (wich ocupy most of my daily life) I can't really have any sexual toughts neither towards women neither torwards men.

About a week ago I also started to develop a crush for a male friend of mine in my class... and it was seriously the worse thing that happen so far.
In a way my brain seems to work like a randomizer, sometimes I feel seriously romantically and sexualy atracted by this guy, and other times I sort of think he is disgusting and I can't feel anything for him at all. I'm also seriously afraid that I don't feel anything real for him, and that its just another thing messing up my brain.

I still haven't been able to talk with my parents about this, don't get me wrong, they are completly open to different sexually orientation and this sort of things I just... don't feel like telling them yet, I feel like I need to discover my self better.

I have tho, talked alot with a female friend of mine, and she has been seriously great about this... She has supported me and been overall very nice and open to this problem of mine.
I have also confessed this to a male friend of mine, but we didn't had quite the time yet so I can be able to properly explain him my situation.

I need help, I have came to that conclusion. I know that I need to discover my self, but I seriously think I need advice on what I should do.

I would like to give emphasis on the following:
- I'm very depressed at this point, and sometimes I feel atracted by guys other times I don't.
- I am seriously afraid that I'm heterosexual and that I'm pushing my self into something I'm not, and that would explain why my atraction is so weird.
- I can't feel atracted by women as much as I did before of this experience.
- The feelings that I have for my current "crush" are very randomized aswell.
- I feel mostely atracted by guys of my age, not so much about older ones.

Thanks for anyone who is willing to give advice,

[Sunshine]

Hey there. You do sound very distressed and confused, and I am sorry that you're having such a rough time right now.

You say you are 14 years old. That is a time where an awful lot is happening on a hormonal, neurological, anatomical and psychological level. I don't want to say that we're completely driven by our biochemistry, but from all I know, it is a much stronger factor in how we feel (and even how we think) than most people allow. There are bound to be ups and downs, big changes and temporary imbalances in your brain and your bodyworks, so it's actually no wonder that your sexual (and other) feelings are fluctuating, feeling "random" to you. I bet this is scary. But the good news is, it will get better and you will probably get used to it and learn to navigate these stormy waters.

Among all this, figuring out ones sexual identity can be doubly hard than it is already. In your profile, you say you are "questioning". Could you imagine yourself just keeping that label for a while? I think it's okay to be questioning.

What I haven't quite understood yet from your post: Is there any kind of identity that you would prefer over alternatives? For example, do you wish to be straight / gay / bi / something else? Is there an identity that you think you would have trouble accepting for yourself? Are you afraid of being / becoming something / someone you don't want to be? Or is it all good to you and you just wish for certainty? Or am I on the wrong track entirely about what is bothering you?

I am sure someone else here can give you more in-depth insights and help. I just wanted you to know that your post has been read and that someone sympathizes. Because I do, honestly. I remember 14 as an age that was very tough for me, and I remember it was quite terrifying, trying to figure out who I am and what my feelings mean.

[Tarho]

Your post was quite helpful to be honest... and yes, I think I should keep questioning label.
What most bothers me is that I'm don't know who I am. I will be super happy either way... I could be straight, gay, bisexual, I would be fine anyway, I just need to know what I am and what I feel atracted towards...
I guess I would be happy as a bi, because I have felt atracted by both genders, but on another way I think that my feelings are to erractic and disorganized to be classified into something.

[Sunshine]

Okay, but this sounds good. You say you're ready to accept yourself as any identity, you just want to know what it is, did I get that right?

That's definitely a good place to start out from. You will find yourself, I am pretty sure. It might take time. But in my opinion, finding out who you are is what adolescence is all about, it's what it's for. And it doesn't have to be all scary. It can be fun. Could you look upon it as an adventure? If you know you'll accept yourself no matter who you turn out to be, then you've already kind of won, you know. Give yourself time. It's okay that you're developing and constantly changing right now. That's how it's meant to be. My advice is, imagine you are on a roller coaster. Strap in tight, hang on, and try to enjoy the ride.

Just a word about being bisexual (because that's mostly how I identify, though I should probably say "pan"): Many bisexual people say that they feel attracted to men and women in a different way. The attraction can or cannot be equally strong, and it can definitely be very different in quality. Some people also go through phases, not just during their teens but their whole life, where for a while they feel more attracted to one gender, then to the other. This is all "normal", if normal is a word we even want to use here.

In the end, labels are always only the beginning anyway. No two people are alike, even if they both identify as "gay" or "straight" or "bi" or "ace" or whatever, their sexual feelings and behaviors may be totally different.

Again: I am sure that you will find yourself. Not withing days, weeks or months, but eventually. Until then, try to enjoy the journey. And try to love yourself at every stage of the way. If you can manage that, then you will have achieved a lot more than myself at your age.

[Tarho]

I seriously thank you for all the time that you have spent writing all of that and trying to give me advice, I can assure you that it did help and that at least it sort of showed me the way.

There is one thing that I would like to know your opinion on... do you think I should share my feelings with more people in general? If so who? Or should I try to sort this out on my own and only tell this to other people when I'm more sure about what I am...?

[Sam W]

Hi Tarho,

Just to add to what Sunshine has been saying, have you had the chance to look into any books or blogs by people who are questioning like you are, are who talk about the time in the life where they were questioning? Sometimes, reading about how other people have gone through what you're going through can help you feel less alone in those "argh, I wish I could just figure this out" moments.

As for sharing your feelings, are there people you trust who you feel comfortable talking to about how you're in a place were you're exploring your identity? That could be friends or family, just someone you feel like would listen to and accept you.

[Tarho]

I have not read anything in specific from people who are questioning. But I have made lots and lots of research on the web about sexuality and such, the results of all of that information can vary... Sometimes they help because you indentify with some of the stuff people say, other times they don't really help that much...

About sharing my feelings, I feel like I'm actually very lucky of the environment I have around me in terms of sexuality but I'm afraid that people will change the way they interact with me if I explain that I have sexual indentity problems... I don't mean that in the terms that someone could just be agressive or something, I mean it so I'm afraid people will take in count all the actions I do and associate them to my sexuality.

[Tarho]

Another thing that I need to reinforce and its what most disturbs me on all of this... Is that, I'm constatly thinking on all of this, and that leaves me to be very depressed, and during those times I cant think about boys or girls in a physical or romantic way... Some times I have breaks from this and I can think about either of them, guys mostely on the physical way (altought I do sometimes feel romaticly atatched to the person I think I have a crush on), but... I'm just very very afraid that I'm turning simple adolescence feelings into something I'm not... I'm afraid that I'm just sliglthy atracted to guys or not atracted by them at all, and I'm afraid im forcing myself into something I'm not... And for one side that would make sense because of all my confusion and random atractivity. But on another hand I think I have had moments where I have fantasied about having relationships with guys so I should really have feelings for them, right? But then I remind myself that maybe its just me forcing it all...

My question is: Is it possible I feel not that atracted to guys, or not atracted at all, and that I'm doing all of this on my brain?

I know thats problably hard to awnser, but any awnser or advice would be better at this point.

[Amanda]

I don't think it's very likely that you are "forcing" your feelings about guys onto your brain. To me, what seems to be going on is a lot of self-doubt, self-judgement, anxiety, and more than a little bit of internalized homophobia. Even queer people can experience feelings of shame around their own feelings, even if their conscious mind totally accepts queerness and queer identities, simply because most of us are raised in a culture that privileges heterosexual people and often condemns or simply excludes non-heterosexual people. Culture is a lot like the air we breathe: we take it for granted and don't really think about it, and we become accustomed to a certain level of pollution. But even though we're used to the pollution--homophobia, and other oppressions--it's still very unhealthy for us in the long run.

As others have noted, sexuality is something that does shift and change, especially when we are young. For some people, it takes several relationships or sexual experiences for identity to come into focus. And for those of us who aren't straight, it may take some soul-searching to become aware of that "pollution" I mentioned, and how it has affected the way we view ourselves and others.

One skill that I think would be awesome for you to cultivate is mindfulness. Basically, mindfulness means noticing things, observing your surroundings and your own thoughts, but not becoming attached to anything, not passing judgement, and keeping your mind in the present moment by bringing simple awareness to your thoughts and bodily sensations. In a state of mindfulness, your thoughts are like a fresh, cool stream: you notice them flowing through you, but you are simply sitting on the bank and noticing, rather than getting caught up in the current. Mindfulness practice can be very helpful with curbing anxiety, and cultivating compassion and non-judgement toward yourself. In other words, it may help you to be able to tolerate a little bit of confusion or uncertainty, and accept it as an experience rather than becoming very distressed about it. A quick internet search can help you find more information, if this sounds appealing to you. If you ever feel, however, that your thoughts are really out of control, or are getting in the way of your ability to live your life, you should consider seeking the help of a doctor or counselor.

[Tarho]

I guess you have a point, I don't quite judge myself at all for what I think about guys, but sometimes for some reason it can be very unconfortable to think about them...

Anyway thanks for all of this advice you all gave me... At the beggining I was quite apprehensive to share my problem to the "internet" , but now I can see that it was a good decision, I feel better about myself, less confused and I think I will be able to figure all of this out, besides I do intend on sticking here on Scarleteen and even learn with other peoples problems.

Thanks to all of you

[Tarho]

I decided to make this post because... things have gotten worse since the last time I posted here.

After all the posts and awnsers, the situation did got better for some time. I felt less confused and better in general...
But recently I have gone much much worse, I feel super depressed of not knowing what I am, Im super confused if I feel or not atracted by boys, Im also very scared about my feelings about my boy crush... because I just cant understand them. And i feel completly devastated that I dont have nobody to share all my anxietys and fear (I do know two people, but I dont want to put more of this heavy topic on them...) and Im not prepared to tell my parents or any person from my family...

I usually am a very depressed person, and I really feel like I'm entering another depression.

[Heather]

Have you had -- or are you currently getting -- any kind of healthcare and treatment to help you manage your depression?

[Tarho]

No.
As I said, I was always kind of depressed, but in the sense that there was times where I felt badly, had some big insomnias... but it was something small and these periods would go sort of away.
But, this time its a bigger "problem" and as I said I don't think I'm ready for telling my parents, and it would be hard to get any assistance before I do something like that.

[Heather]

I confess, Portugal's health system, including with mental health, is not one I am at all familiar with. But if you like, I can certainly do a little research about seeking out mental healthcare in that system, including for minors.

However, do you have access to a general doctor you see for checkups? If so, that kind of healthcare provider can usually at least get you started, including even giving you medication to try, if you want to go that route, and it's unlikely any of that involves parental notification (but again, I can research that if you want).

[Tarho]

I really thank you for your willing to search that up. But I think that Portugal mental healthcare system would always require any kind of parental notification and to be honest I fear that medication might not be the best thing to help me.

[Redskies]

People often think that parental permission and/or notification is required for mental healthcare in their country, but in most places, when we look into it, it's not required. So, we'd be very happy to help you look into it and find out for sure, if you like.

Medication is only one way of treating a mental health difficulty; there are also talking therapies and guided strategies for managing and living with mental health difficulties. A mental health professional can advise you and discuss with you what things would be most appropriate for you. So, even if medication isn't what you need (although I'd advise against assuming that before you've had full information from an expert, because there are different kinds of medication), there are other treatments and helps that you could get from a professional.

Would you like us to help you look into your healthcare access?

[Tarho]

I guess so... thank you.

[Karyn]

I've done a bit of poking around, and hopefully Redskies and Heather will have more suggestions, but from what I've been able to find so far it looks like anyone 14 and older in Portugal is able to consent to healthcare on their own: you don't need your parents' permission to seek out healthcare, including mental healthcare. I've not yet found anything on parental notification, but I'll keep looking, and I'd guess - as Redskies has mentioned - that parental notification is not required for minors seeking care.

[Heather]

There is a suicide hotline for Portugal: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/interna ... lines.html

That's not your issue, but they will be able to give you very clear answers about accessing mental healthcare, and what that does and doesn't mean for you as a minor. That's who I'd suggest contacting to find out about your options!

[Tarho]

To start off I'm really sorry I haven't awnsered to this post sooner.

On the past month my sexual confusion has got much much worse, I feel less capable of even feel atracted towards man or even women due to all the stress that I'm having, I have still decided to not ask for help. I'm very thankful for all the options that you have gave me and I know that I'm probably making a wrong decision on trying to surpass this on my one, but I just don't feel at all like explaining my problem to more people then I have. It was already very hard for me to tell this to my closest friends (altought they have been amazing and I couldnt have asked better friends) and it would be even harder to tell this to more people.

Anyway thanks for everybody that took a minute (or more) of their lives to help a 14 year old on the other side of the world, really, thanks so much

[Heather]

I think that whatever choice with seeking out more help feels right and like what best fits what you can handle is probably your right choice. The expert of you is you, not us!

[Tarho]

I haven't posted here in a while, but recently I'm constantly being disturbed by something about my sexuality that really scares me.
As I said before on this post I feel and felt atracted by women all my life, men is where my problem is mostly located.

So I tried to understand how I feel about men and the truth is that the best way to describe the type of men I feel atracted to are twinks (the gay culture term).
I mostly feel atracted by twinks of my age and older, and it realy scares me the fact that twinks are guys who barely look like guys to be honest, they have a very young look and basicly no body hair, etc.
And it scares me the possibility that I might grow up and still feel atracted by young guys on their 13/14/15. I feel sort of pedophilish and for me this is terrorizing.
What is I'm 40 and I feel atracted by this young guys or what if I cant have a long term relationship with a men because when he starts to look more mature I no longer feel atracted for him...

All of this deeply scares me, I barely can look at guys now without thinking if I feel atracted for them, if I should feel atracted for them if their too young for me to be atracted... I dont understand if this is something that will sort of go away when Im older, but im afraid that doesnt happen...

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or commentarys they might have about this please share them and thank you all for any help you give me.

[Snorkmaiden]

Tarho, I hope you don't mind me butting in. I want to tell you that while it's not a rule, most of us find that the age of people who we feel attracted to shifts over the years. Often, it more or less keeps pace with our own age.
It's not something that happens for everyone, but it's something that happens for a lot of people so there is a good chance that it'll happen for you, too. So your 'what ifs' may very well not depict your actual future.

[Sam W]

Hi Tarho,

The first thing I would say is that physical attraction is just one component that goes into who we end up dating. It may be that you find a certain "type" of guy most attractive, but you end up dating a guy who looks nothing like that because he makes you laugh or is a really good kisser. I think you might find this article helpful to that end: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/sam_w/20 ... _and_types

I will say it sounds a little like you're borrowing trouble when it comes to being worried about finding young looking guys attractive when you're older. You're right that there can be some ickiness to older people only pursuing people who are much younger than them, but who knows what you're attraction tendencies will be like when you're forty (like Snormaiden said, they can shift). There's just no way to predict that, so it's more worthwhile to focus your energy on what's going on in the present.

Have you had a chance to connect with any mental health resources?

[Tarho]

Thank you both for your awnsers, I did read the article and I tought it was quite interesting.

And yes altought I know that there is the possibility that it changes over the years. Its just that I have female friends of mine of my age are able to feel atracted for older men and I'm not. I'm able to feel atracted by older woman but not man and in a way thats what scares me, is if I'm stuck to this sort of teenager age range in whats reffering to my atraction for men.

About the mental health part, altought I know I could get some sort of mental health help without parent notification that would be harder and something I would preffer not to do.
I'm trying to get the courage to talk with my parents about my sexual confusion, maybe then i could get easy mental health care.