Should I lose my virginity in a threesome?

[sweet_tea]

So, I'm good friends with this girl who I've known for a while now, and she has a boyfriend. So today, the topic of sex came up while I was talking to her- We're both bisexual, and she, apparently, has had a lot of sexual experience with her boyfriend, including more 'extreme' kinky stuff. I haven't even kissed anyone yet, but I'm fairly well-informed on safe sex, and I do masturbate and know what I'd like in a sexual situation. So... she asked me if I wanted to participate in a threesome with her and her boyfriend. Not in an immediate sense, but more as in a 'sometime in the near future' sense. In my head, where it's all perfect I would be screaming 'YES!!!', I mean, it sounds wonderful. But this is real life, and I know it wouldn't be all smooth-sailing... It would be my first time, and they're tons more experienced than me- I'm just about fifteen, and they're fifteen and sixteen, both in the grade above me at school.

The girl was really nice about it- she wasn't forcing me into anything, she kept on checking if she was making me uncomfortable and told me, numerous times, that I did not have to say yes and we could just leave it alone and never bring it up again if I wanted. But I didn't say no, I said maybe. Because part of me is like, 'I know these people, I trust them, they would be the perfect people to gain some experience with', but I'm also just freaking out at the idea. Having a threesome when I've never done anything before? Isn't that a little... off? I don't know, I know that I'd enjoy it, and that it won't happen anytime in the next few months anyway, realistically, I'm just a bit conflicted. I really, really want to do it, but I'm just a bit jittery as, you know, I've never done anything of the sort ever.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, sweet-tea!

I have a few thoughts about this, and some things to ask yourself that I think might help you think this through and make a choice that's right for you.

1) Sex with more than one partner at a time is a pretty advanced sexual activity, especially when it comes to having some real practice with sexual communication with people. I'd say doing something like this before any other kind of sexual experience would be like swimming in the Pacific Ocean before you even sat in a kiddie pool.

I hear you expressing that you feel intimidated here, and that's not surprising, since it doesn't sound like you feel you really have the kind of experience that would make you feel comfortable with something like this that really asks for you to have some: so far, it doesn't sound like you yet have any practice with sexual communication, let alone the advanced kind.First-times with any kind of sex are something where people don't all tend to want the same things, but I do think one thing most people are after are feeling at least somewhat capable and comfortable with what they're doing, rather than being totally clueless. How do you feel about that, and what do you want when it comes to this?

2) It might help to think about if you'd choose to be sexual -- I'm not sure exactly what you mean by losing your virginity, since that means a whole bunch of things to a whole bunch of different people -- with each of these people separately, and in what ways you'd want to be sexual with each of them right now. Are you really attracted to both of them? Are you super-into them both? Would you want to do whatever sexual activities you're thinking about with either of them, not just together, but alone?

3) Is this something YOU would have brought to the table yourself -- if your friend didn't bring it to you -- and would have imagined you wanted, even if no one else was interested, as a first-time sexual experience? What have you envisioned for yourself as your ideal first-time experience?

4) Sex with multiple partners also requires that everyone involved be both skilled and dedicated to sexual health, including safer sex. Have you talked with the two of them together about this idea -- which is wise, period, and not just around safety -- and discussed when they both were last tested, who would bring what for practicing safer sex (like condoms for any intercourse or oral sex, dental dams, etc.)? Do you know where you'll be able to go to start getting sexual healthcare if you do this?

5) What would something like this look like, in your head, if it matched your own level of experience better? For instance, if you want to see what being with two people in a sexual way is like, why leap to sex, rather than coming at this more gradually and just seeing -- as an example -- what snuggling with them is like, or kissing them? Or heck, what just talking about this together with both of them is like? Whatever kind of first-time a person has, or what it involves, they rarely go well when someone tries to go from ground zero to the top floor all in one fell swoop.

Lastly, there are a couple advice columns here that I think might help you, too, just to give you some food for thought and some basics:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _boyfriend
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _threesome

[Heather]

I had one more thought here, and figured I should share in case it's helpful to you.

Assuming that this girl and her boyfriend know you haven't had any other kind of sexual experience before, I'd say that her asking about this with you tells you that SHE probably doesn't have the level of life, sexual or interpersonal experience that's likely to make her a very good partner for someone for this, either.

In other words, I'd say people who were going to be part of a good experience for everyone involved with anything sexual will have some clue about the fact that if ALL things sexual with partners are new to someone, they need a gradual pace, not to go swimming in the super-deep end. The fact that she's asked you about doing this -- again, assuming she knows you and that you haven't even kissed someone else -- in this context, however nice she was about it, suggests to me that SHE isn't ready for this kind of sexual activity, either, at least not with someone who themselves isn't experienced enough with it to know all that it asks of people, if you follow me.

[sweet_tea]

I had one more thought here, and figured I should share in case it's helpful to you.

Assuming that this girl and her boyfriend know you haven't had any other kind of sexual experience before, I'd say that her asking about this with you tells you that SHE probably doesn't have the level of life, sexual or interpersonal experience that's likely to make her a very good partner for someone for this, either.

In other words, I'd say people who were going to be part of a good experience for everyone involved with anything sexual will have some clue about the fact that if ALL things sexual with partners are new to someone, they need a gradual pace, not to go swimming in the super-deep end. The fact that she's asked you about doing this -- again, assuming she knows you and that you haven't even kissed someone else -- in this context, however nice she was about it, suggests to me that SHE isn't ready for this kind of sexual activity, either, at least not with someone who themselves isn't experienced enough with it to know all that it asks of people, if you follow me.

Thanks for replying! I read those links had a good think about this overnight.

I think I would definitely feel more comfortable if I just started off 'slow' with them- ie. getting more physically close in a non-sexual way over the next few months. Then it's not like diving straight in, I can take it one step at a time and see how far I'm willing to go, instead of making an immediate 'yes/no' decision.

I didn't consider what you said about her not being ready for it, either, and I'll definitely bring that up with her. I think talking through this thoroughly with both of them is a good idea.
I'm not going to lie, this isn't exactly what I pictured for my 'first-time experience', but it is something I've thought about doing before- Though I just never would have had the confidence to bring it up myself.

I'm still really unsure what my answer is going to be, but I don't have to make one for a while yet, so I'll just start off slow for now.

Thanks again for the advice!

[Heather]

I think I would definitely feel more comfortable if I just started off 'slow' with them- ie. getting more physically close in a non-sexual way over the next few months. Then it's not like diving straight in, I can take it one step at a time and see how far I'm willing to go, instead of making an immediate 'yes/no' decision.

That sounds like a really good strategy to me! Really, this is how anyone's sexual experiences should go, and their sexual life and relationships as they develop them when they're just starting out.

Sure, later on in life, once you DO have much more experience under your belt -- not the kind anyone can have by 14, 15 or 16, the kind that tends to take more time than that -- you may find you're someone who, in general, or sometimes, wants and does fine with starting a sexual relationship with someone where on a first, second or third date, you're down with doing a lot of sexual things early on. But I think it's fair to say that is rarely going to work well for people without a good deal of sexual experience with partners, as well as general life experience. Hack, for a lot of people with both, that still isn't such a great fit.