Where things have gone

[bigbywolf]

Hello again Scarleteen!

I've decided to start fresh from the 'Betrayed' thread, as that was to deal with the breakup of an ex who I know really, really dislike. I think that it was mentioned in the last thread that The Ex and I have a mutual best friend. I don't remember what placeholder name i gave the mutual best friend last time - but for the sake of this new thread, we can just call him Jason.

Jason and I became best friend through The Ex, and got closer towards The Ex and i (THANKFULLY! after all this turmoil I can say THANKFULLY!) breaking up.

Recently, I think Jason and myself have been feeling more than platonic emotion towards one another. I am aware of Jason's more-than-platonic-feelings because of some things that he's been doing / some things he's said on his blog. Other than reciprocating cuddles (which could just be seen as me being friendly), I don't think I've done a lot to suggest that I like him back. The reason being that I know that this attraction may or may not be sourced from not so good places for attraction to come from (lack of "other options", familiarity just doing this often in friendships, the thrill of the unobtainable, what have you).

I want Jason and I to have a conversation about this, and I want to be able to express that the feelings are reciprocated (if i've read the signs correctly) - but that we can't act on them. We are not compatible. He has a pretty dependant relationship on weed and alcohol that I never have to see the worst of, but I know is always there. I want us to have this conversation because I want him to know that The Ex has no contributing factor in how I do or don't feel for Jason, and how/why I think we just need to wait these more than platonic feelings out.

That being said, I'm still at the point where if I see The Ex message Jason while I'm at Jason's house, I'll start to shake. I know their friendship is none of my business, but it's just those small reminders that what I picture a "Safe space" (a space where there will be no mention or reminder of the existence of The Ex) is not a safe space 100% of the time. The Ex is still moving to another part of the country to go live with the girl he cheated on me with (more information was kind of revealed, I feel comfortable calling it emotional cheating even if it is unknown whether they were physically intimate. The physical intimacy means little to me while the emotional is what I got very hurt from), but I was the one to tell Jason this. It made me mad because it felt wrong to me that The Ex hadn't told his best friend he was leaving - again, none of my business. I want to learn how to stop feeling so collaterally affected by how The Ex lets friends down, as I think I'm just applying my own emotional baggage / honestly still trying to get people to see The Ex in more than just the "good" lighting he works hard to present himself in.

Last night, my group (sans The Ex, who may or may not still be in this part of the country, I thankfully don't know) had a gathering at Jasons house. Jason's phone was hooked up to the tv screen and I saw The Ex send Jason something along the lines of "Hey, can I ask you a question?" and he would only type like this in serious situations. My immediate guess is that The Ex has pieced together Jason's feelings for me, and is inquiring - which makes me angry. (I know this is quite a big claim to make, but as i said, Jason has been vaguely talking about it on his blog. I wish I hadn't seen the message so my brain didn't try think out scenarios - but if I learned anything from the breakup, it was to trust intuition, and i intuitively feel that this is probably what The Ex wanted to talk to Jason about). He has no right to know what relationships or feelings Jason has for me. I could be completely wrong, and misinterpreted the message entirely. I asked Jason to make it so we couldnt see the message and he very quickly and kindly turned it off. I realise that I am still letting my anxiety and overthinking have more momentum over me than need be. I am frustrated that seeing a message from The Ex is enough to make me start shaking, but I am relieved that I have no confusion over missing The Ex or not. There's still a bit to go by means of healing, and a bit to go by means of being able to emotionally detach from things that actually should not be my business at all. I thought the Scarleteen staff would be interested in what's been happening for me - though that's probably a very self-involved thing to say. I am also wondering if I should initiate a conversation with Jason about feelings (i trust him enough to be kind to me if I have ENTIRELY misread the situation and he's not into me at all, so I'm not too worried about "losing face"), and wondering if I am being sensible in closing the door for a possibility of a relationship, or if i should give Jason the chance to see where we could compromise / if he would want to try make things work.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

Thank you for the update! I'm glad that it sounds like you're feeling able to move on, even if it's not to the full degree that you may want (but hey, small steps are still steps).

From what you're describing with Jason, it sounds like your feeling that this is best kept as a platonic might be the right one. If your gut feels like this is not a good match, I would say trust it. Too, it might be best for your heart and for your overall well-being to give yourself some time before beginning another romantic relationship. That space between relationships can often be invaluable in terms of giving you time to develop a relationship with yourself and feel more confident in and loving of yourself, if that makes sense.

[bigbywolf]

It turns out The Ex is no longer moving off the island, which is disappointing to know. But I don't think seeing him will give me panic attacks anymore, so I don't care too much. That in itself is really nice to realize: that any type of news about him isn't affecting me nearly as much as it used to. I still haven't had the conversation with Jason because I've just been indulging in the feeling of having a crush. It feels really nice to have someone to physically snuggle up to. How much harm is there in a physical platonic relationship with a person who potentially has non platonic feelings for you? I'm scared that when we have the conversation about just needing to be friends, I won't be able to lie on him and snuggle him anymore - but I don't want to be misleading him either. I guess having the conversation ASAP is the only way to know what will happen. Is there any advice on how to initiate it?

[Heather]

Can I first ask why you're thinking that friends can't be physically affectionate and snuggle? After all, that's something close friends will often do with each other. General physical affection isn't just something that can only be part of sexual or romantic relationships.

[bigbywolf]

It's not so much my belief as potentially Jason's. It was when we started to be more physically affectionate that he started to get a crush on me - i think. But I am pretty bad at not giving the same lack-of-insinuation with male contact vs female contact. Which is silly, considering most of my female friends and myself aren't heterosexual. I went to a party last night, and was playing around with Jason and a few more friends, which was great. There was a moment where it was just Jason and I in the kitchen and he held me and it was really sweet - but I also know that if someone caught us like that it wouldn't just be seen as platonic. On the one hand: screw what people think. On the other: I live on a tiny island and things have isolating repurcussions and I care about other people more than I should (will work on this).

[Redskies]

It can be really hard being in a small or close-knit community where everyone's all up in your business! Not being so bothered about what people think is definitely a good skill to cultivate. Sometimes, of course, people decide to bother you with their opinions or nosiness, which you can do less about. The way forward is probably to make sure that people directly involved know what's what, so there's no possibility of misinterpreted gossip causing any problem, and anyone else can get whatever brief and bland thing you choose to tell them and if it's not enough for them (there's always someone like that, isn't there!) that's their problem. People who live in small or close-knit communities usually know the deal with gossip and misinterpretations, so anyone who takes everything they hear at face value without checking is either exceptionally naive or is deliberately choosing to wallow in gossip and the slightest hint of "scandal"; anyone who automatically believes Them is making a similar deliberate choice. If people get hurt or bothered by what so-and-so said or such-and-such's impression, that's not your fault or responsibility; there's really nothing you can do to guarantee a life free of that, so I think your best aim is to live your life as close as possible to your own truth, and beyond that, let them get on with it.

[bigbywolf]

That is some absolutely stunning advice, thank you! Especially true about the "most people by now know to take island gossip with a massive grain of salt unless they WANT to wallow in it" kind of thing.
jason started the "I think I'm in love with you" conversation and I am sore in my heart for both of us, but glad it happened. I told him I do like him back in that way, but don't think we could make each other as happy as partners as we already do by being one another's best friend - but I also said that's not a permanent state. Gotta adopt that growth mindset and be open to the universes plot twists! He took it as well as he could have, but he's still really hurt. He's leaving for a couple of days which will be good for him to think everything over. :~)

[bigbywolf]

So things have gone down.

Essentially, The Ex messaged my group of friends saying he felt excluded, blah blah blah. Due to miscommunication he insinuated that I was of the mentality where if someone spoke to him, I'd refuse to speak to them. All sorts of things. If he had just said he'd felt excluded, that would be different. He wrote it in such a way to make it a whole lot of "he said, she said". He then emphasised that he didn't want people to "pick sides" between him and i, but he wants everything resolved and "back to normal" with us all being friends. It's what my friends want as well. In saying this, he still subtly wrote his message in such a way to make me out to be the crazy, mean ex. And that's not me.

However,

even though seven months have passed, and i am A LOT better than I was at the beginning of all this mess, I'm no way at a point where I want to speak, see, or hear of him. Seeing his name alone still makes me shake and everytime I hear a scooter or motorbike engine I panic because I think it could be him going past. What everyone wants is for me to "get over it", me included. But I just can't. Not yet. And it's not because I WANT to be stubborn.

From his message (a friend showed it to me, I was not a part of the facebook chat he sent it to), I have had two friends fight with me about me being stubborn. I also had my best friend, Jason, saying he refuses to hang out with anyone except The Ex until he is invited back into group activities. The Ex has ALWAYS had the opportunity to make group activities and just never chose to, and now I'm the bad guy for the fact that he is feeling excluded (a choice that he has made due to his lack of action organizing to be with friends).

I'm so tired, and I know that what's going to happen next is my friends will just do things with him and exclude me because I'm being difficult. I wish that this anxiety wouldn't be enough to literally tear me from all my friends just because i don't want to see ONE insignificant person, but that's very much where I am at this point. I do not ever want to speak to him, and at the same time I KNOW im being unreasonable and only hurting myself.


I don't know if there is the possibility to PM, but it would be easier to explain the situation if I could copy and paste the message (removing names, obviously). Im guessing that that's not possible though\, because it is his intellectual property and I have no real right just distributing it out into the open.

When I say i want to be past this, I don't know if I'm even being honest with myself. I want him to go away, or me to go somewhere new, so there's nothing to "get past". I don't want to hang out in a friend group if he's there, because even if I could magic away my huirt feelings and anxiety, he is simply not a person I like or would choose to spend time with. I'm arguing in my head about whether this is sensible or not. The tiny island means my options are limited. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to ask for something for anxiety/sleep, because I'm tired of the waves of sadness this situation is bringing out.

[Onionpie]

Hi bigbywolf. I hope you don't mind me chiming in here!

I want you to know that you are absolutely not being unreasonable for not wanting to be in the vicinity of your ex, and you do not have to be over him right now, even if everyone - including yourself! - keeps telling you to be.

It is a completely reasonable expectation to be able to hang out with your friends without someone there who makes you incredibly uncomfortable. You don't HAVE to hang out with him if you don't want to! You can't stop your friends from hanging out with your ex, but you CAN set very firm limits around how you are going to be around them. You can let all of your friends know, calmly but firmly and matter-of-factly, that they shouldn't invite you to any events or hang-outs if your ex is going to be there too. You can tell them that if your ex shows up, you will leave (if you want to, of course!) You are not interested in being around your ex, so you will make that happen, and as your friends, you are allowed to expect them to follow your request about who YOU are going to hang out with. They can make all the plans with him that they want. You just don't have to be there, too.

What you could also do, if you want to make sure you still get to hang out with your friend group sometimes, is you could invite THEM out to hang out and to go do things, have parties, etc, and not invite your ex. And make expressly clear that you're only inviting these people. You can invite them out for some individual one-on-one time as well. Without your ex! That way, you DO get to still hang out with all your friends. And they get to hang out with your ex if they want to. But you never have to be around when he is also around. How does that sound to you? And how do you feel about making those kinds of requests -- are you confident in your ability to set firm boundaries, or do you find that kind of thing hard? Do you think your friends will respect your wishes, or not take them seriously?

Being at a place where you're not okay with seeing him is absolutely okay. No amount of pressure will magically make you be okay with that, you are where you are at with this so being forced into hanging out with him is not going to help. When getting over someone, there is no "should" -- everyone does things at their own pace, in their own time, and it is okay. You get to not want to see his face or hear his voice for your mental well-being. You are allowed to look after yourself

[bigbywolf]

Hello Onionpie, I'm happy to hear from you!

Firstly, I'm glad that it's not a necessary thing to just "Deal with it" or "get over it" if I am not in a space where I feel I can or even want to.

That has been the general arrangement until now, but it turns out my group has mostly been actively deciding to invite me over him for events, and his message was the first time he's complained about it. After I got upset at The Ex, I made a lot of active effort to organize group events, which is why it turned into habit to see me at the events instead of him. They're in full right to invite him to things and not invite me since they know that I cannot handle being around him. I am just anticipating the exclusion of fun group things that, had i been a "different" type of coping person, i could just go to. But that's alright.

Jason very quickly realized that his silent protest to only hang out with The Ex was well intentioned but misguided - we hung out most of today.

I'm just going to keep forming bonds with my friends, so I know they value me and my presence is worthwhile. I will get over missing out on some things to protect my feelings, and I have out of group friends and my family that I can hang out with on those nights the group is out. I can't really invite my group to "party" type things, as I still live at home and my mom's very against it. So those might be the types of things I miss out on until I find a different group that likes partying that I can feel safe around.

I think things will be ok. I'm sad that The Ex is an obstruction, but he is. And that's ok.

[bigbywolf]

I'm wondering whether it would be wiser to make a disclaimer at the beginning of the next group thing I organise (eg if I make a fb page for it, I say in the description something along the lines of "In response to the message some of you received: " and then my reasoning about why I won't see him / why that doesn't mean friends need to go on "group strike" when he's not invited / why I wouldn't want them to do the same had I not been invited, or whether it's better to just leave it.). Obviously, the message affected me most, as it claimed I was "stealing his friends" which is just not true, and a lot of other massively untrue accusations that hurt to read. I don't think my friends care about it half as much as I do, and I am tempted to just let sleeping dogs lie about the whole situation and pretend I never read it.

[Redskies]

It seems best to me to let this go. Making any kind of statement to a group or multiple recipients in this kind of situation tends to go very badly, and some people always seem to see it as an opportunity for a discussion and weigh in with their thoughts and impressions and argue with you or with someone else, and it degenerates into a mess. I very much understand your hurt feelings here, but doing anything that looks similar to what your ex did is probably not going to help you with people and may well make things worse for you. It seems best not to run the risk of turning this situation into a multi-person or public argument or argument-by-proxy.

What you might do instead is think of a very small number of people - say, 1, 2, or 3 - who you feel particularly close to, who usually behave caringly towards to you and respect your needs, and who you trust, and say something very concise to each of them 1-on-1 about your position and needs. Maybe something like "It's important for me to take some more time away from my ex, so I won't be attending any social events he's at. I don't expect people to always invite me and never invite him; I understand that sometimes or often people will want to invite him. I won't be at those events, and I hope everyone will respect that. I really hope we can hang out sometimes, too! I'm okay with hanging out in smaller groups or doing lower-key things if that's what I need to do so we can still hang out." If those people are also some kind of friends of your ex - which it sounds like they may well be, given your small community - it's probably best not to get into details with them about your feelings or your ex's behaviour. People can interpret more personal talk as "picking sides" or a request to pick sides, even if it wasn't meant that way, so it's probably best to steer clear of that with anyone who's a mutual friend.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! Negotiating social groups after a break-up can be tricky, for everyone, and especially in small communities. Like Onionpie said, you have every right to your needs and boundaries around not seeing your ex, and you're not asking anything unreasonable of anyone else. Sure, it may well be not-ideal, awkward or uncomfortable for some of them, if they're wishing everything could be "fine" and everyone could "get along", but honestly, we don't live in a perfect world, and sometimes it just is different to what we wish it was.

[bigbywolf]

Hi again.

I've basically had a repeat of the same experience. Someone is hosting a party where I am invited. The Ex found out and asked if he could come. The host asked me how against the idea of seeing The Ex i was and i said very. I apologized and said I know it's frustrating. The host said she would tell him no, and has done. But she also said that while she's closer with me than with The Ex, my friends "hate this" ("this" being my refusal to be around him).

I get that it's frustrating for them. They have all been friends and gotten along since they were pretty much toddlers and I've come into this island three years ago and kicked up a fuss. But I'm so tired of the physical pain and anxiety that I get when someone wants me to confront The Ex, or wants to ask why I won't. I also feel anxious that it's been suggested on more than one occasion that my friends often talk about my refusal to see The Ex. I get that it's human nature, but this whole experience feels so alienating. I don't feel like I belong where I live, and I'm so tired of this. My sister got mad at me for not wanting to talk to her about it. She also tried to use the angle that The Ex wasn't worried about seeing me as a reason for ME to be ok with seeing him? Which annoyed me a lot. People experience things differently. I didn't do something that broke The Ex's trust - and even if I did, there's no telling if he would react the same, better, or worse than I have. I'm really at a loss.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

Urgh, that sounds really frustrating. I'm glad that the one friend asked you, and then respected your request. But it's definitely anxiety provoking to feel like your friends are talking behind your back. You're setting the boundaries you need for yourself right now, and that's not something to feel guilty for. But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck to feel as though you're being labeled as someone causing "drama." Is there a way for you to focus your friend energy (for lack of a better word) on the friends who seem to get it and are respecting you?

[bigbywolf]

Ah - it's the whole problem with living on the island! I have two friends who are entirely there for me here. Neither of them are really group event organisers, but I suppose it's enough to know that they have my back. At least I'm not alone. University starts soon and I'm really looking forward to being able to find new people away from all this tension. I'm anxious for when the day will come that events pop up that I'll continuously not be able to go to, since The Ex will start to get invited more and more again and I'm just kind of picturing that "the group" will push me out and just go back to how everything was before I arrived on the island.

[Redskies]

Sounds like some of the answer is simply hanging in there until you go to university and meet more and different people. That should help a lot! I'd also try not to worry too much about what might or might not happen in the future: there's a LOT of different things that might happen, especially if you're going to have some big changes like university and new people. With different things and time passing, you might also feel differently about some of the possible outcomes, or want to do things differently, than you do at the moment. I'd try not to get too ahead of yourself by worrying about possibilities, because that doesn't seem like a good use of your emotional resources, and amps up your anxiety when there's no need right now.

It's great that you have those two friends. if you need to, one option to dial down some of the tension is to put more of your effort and time into just spending time with those two and less at larger group events. That's not to say that you should start missing out because other people aren't handling it, certainly not! Rather, you get to decide whether it's worth it to you, and maybe sometimes it might not be and you'd have a better, happier time opting out of the big stuff and truly enjoying the weirdness-free and tension-free lower-key times with those two.

A good rule of thumb for dealing with communities like this is: when someone tells you that "people" or "the group" or "your friends" feel a certain way or say certain things, assume that person is speaking only for their own self and no-one else. All you're hearing is what that person believes/feels, Not, actually, what everyone/people/thegroup feels. More times than not, that's actually true! But no matter what, you can only have a useful conversation with the person you're actually talking to; you can't have a useful conversation with third parties who aren't there. Respond in whatever way is appropriate to that person's own concerns or grumbles, focusing on what They think or feel, not anyone else. If they keep bringing up other people, you can say something like "I don't feel able to address people's feelings/concerns when they aren't here and I'm hearing about it from someone else. If they want to talk to me about it, I'm open to that (if you are!). Right now, you and I are talking. How can you and I move forward?"

When someone tells you that "people" think/say something, often, they're telling you how They feel and they either think everyone agrees with them or they're hiding behind it so as not to have to engage so much. "People say ..." is kind of dumping the issue on you and avoiding that person having a part in resolving anything, whether they mean to or not. It's not useful for resolving an issue! The person can either own their own feelings and work through whatever with you, or "people" can come and do their own resolving and figuring out with you. You can't figure out or resolve with an amorphous mass of "people" or "group"

[bigbywolf]

The timing of your reply is impeccable, because lo and behold, The Ex used his sisters facebook account to get into contact with me.

Included in this message were choice lines like "what im doing isnt fair on our friends and its causing unnecessary drama and stress" "i just want to be able to hang out with my friends" "can we go to the same party as mature adults?".

The fact that he used his sister's account to get into contact with me hugely rubs me the wrong way. It's unecesarry involvement and honestly it feels a bit like harrassment. I have so visibly done everything in my power to break communication, and he is not respecting that. All I said in response to the message was "please don't contact me on this again." But I feel you're right in that "what im doing to my friends" is actually just what I'm doing to him. And while I don't want anyone to feel excluded because of me, this situation simply exists and we all need to just deal with it.

I am beginning to understand that due to misunderstanding, he thinks I am just trying to stop us all hanging out because I want to punish him / am being difficult, which is not the case. His presence and existence just makes me feel really sick and panicky. I know that there is a possibility that if I explain this to him, he will leave me alone and quit pushing the issue, but I just can't do it to myself to speak to him, or even message him saying just this.

[Heather]

I confess, I'm just sitting over here with snarky replies to him coming out of my mouth, like "Can we go to the same party as mature adults?" and "I doubt it, since you can't even muster any maturity in how you've tried to talk to me here in the first place."

I agree with you, this was totally out of line, and IS harassment. If you cut off contact with him and asked him not to contact you, going through a back door he found open it refusing those boundaries.

Flatly, as I think I have said before, I think this person sounds highly manipulative and emotionally unhealthy, and you know, you can try and understand someone manipulative like this all you want, but it's generally a futile exercise, because what they're doing isn't going to follow the usual rules of engagement, as it were. I think it's a waste of any of your time and energy, which is better spent, when it comes to him, just doing what you can to set and uphold your expressed boundaries. I'd even suggest that moving forward, if he pulls more stuff like this, you don't respond to him at all: it may be that at this point, he likes -- or gets something he wants from -- any way you'll engage at all, so you don't want to feed that beastie.

I'm so sorry he is still pulling crap with you, btw. I know you've made so much effort to handle this as well as you could and to process your own feelings in healthy ways, despite what a struggle it's been. It truly sucks that this person clearly has no interest in making a fraction of that kind of effort.

[bigbywolf]

So yesterday I had the biggest, weirdest day of my life in relation to all of this - I'm still a bit in shock about it honestly, and haven't really had the right level of relaxation to try "check in" with how I feel, but that might be what this post does.

Firstly, thank you for letting me know that I wasn't wrong in feeling that what he was doing was some level of harrassment. It feels good to know that my frustration about The Ex is validated.

So yesterday was the event that The Ex wanted to go to. Around 4pm I get a call from Jason's (our mutual best friend who has feelings for me) mother. She asked if I could help her with something.

The long story short is that she sat me down and tried talking "The Ex stuff" out with me, because she was tired of what it's been doing to Jason. Jason has been suicidal in past, so it's natural that his mom sort of.. flares up at conflict that poses any threat to her sons wellbeing. I wholly understand this. She asked me if I could speak to The Ex. I explained why I haven't done so up until that point - the panic attacks, the paranoia, the counselling (both here and real life) and even SSRIs. She said that if it gets "too much" for me, I can just go home.

At this point, I was so damn tired of everyone trying to force this confrontation, I just went and did it. I sat on Jason's moms couch while The Ex had a cry about how I've been excluding him, using key words like "manipulating" and "ostracizing" and saying the message he sent from his sisters account was "well written and polite". But the funny thing is, seeing him like that was such a joke that my anxiety didn't flare up at all. I did not see a person I was frightened of. I honestly just saw a very spoilt, manipulative boy.

We then did go to the party together. He tried to speak to me once or twice but I made the "don't bother" vibes clear. I still had fun, and without even doing it on purpose my brain just sort of.. erased his existence from my peripheral vision. The times I did notice him he just tended to be sulking. I'm so relieved that there's no more attraction towards him, and that my minds in a far healthier place where it can see his personality / the way he treats others and go "I don't want any part of that mess".

This is the first time in close to 9 months I've had any contact with him, and already my friends are pushing for the next group event / adding him to group pages that I had made etc.

I feel bullied and pissed off, but I also feel like I don't care enough to fight it anymore. If he doesn't give me panic attacks, I can just ignore him in group situations. I have no idea what it will be like when/if he starts bringing Jess along, but I imagine it would be much the same feeling of "I wasted so much time being scared of YOU?"

[Heather]

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

But the funny thing is, seeing him like that was such a joke that my anxiety didn't flare up at all. I did not see a person I was frightened of. I honestly just saw a very spoilt, manipulative boy.

We then did go to the party together. He tried to speak to me once or twice but I made the "don't bother" vibes clear. I still had fun, and without even doing it on purpose my brain just sort of.. erased his existence from my peripheral vision. The times I did notice him he just tended to be sulking. I'm so relieved that there's no more attraction towards him, and that my minds in a far healthier place where it can see his personality / the way he treats others and go "I don't want any part of that mess".

I am just so glad you finally were able to have that kind of experience with this, and basically feel yourself in a much more powerful, and less vulnerable-to-his-bullshit position. You've felt so NOT that way for such a long time now, I'm just so delighted for you that you had this kind of sea change.

[bigbywolf]

It makes me happy, too. when I'm in an even better headspace it would be interesting to read these comments apon comments dedicated to my fear of him and see that I managed to overcome that. All that's left is this pit of anger in my gut. I'm not confrontational. But damn, I wish I could yell at this guy for all the stupid things he's gone and done and will get away with. I wish I could tell him I'll never like him as a person again after all this stuff he's pulled. I'm sad that, apart from Scarleteen, no one will fully know how what he did affected me/ what my full side of the story is. I've tried to write these thoughts down, and it sort of works. Do you have any other recommendations for how to release this anger?

[Heather]

You know, I am personally a big fan of using anger as energy as a way to process it and, in time, get it out.

In other words, anger can actually come with a lot of energy, unlike feeling sad or depressed: physical, intellectual and creative energy. I have always personally liked to work in one of my arts when I am angry, and have found that has resulted in some of my best creative work. And/or, to take the physical energy it provides and use it for one of the sports or other activities I like. Or to use it intellectually for some of my activism. I find that "using" it in those kinds of ways also helps me learn to be more at peace with it, and respect what it can do, rather than seeing it as something bad, destructive, or that I need to make go away, if you follow.

Did you see Inside Out? (Yes, I am a bit obsessed with this movie, this is not the first time I have brought it up on the boards.) If so, think of the way sadness was presented there: as something with an important purpose, and something just as valuable, valid and positive as joy. I'd say looking at anger through that same kind of lens is wise.

[bigbywolf]

So Jason added The Ex to a "group chat" that I'm in, and I am so unhappy.

My boundaries already weren't being respected, but now Jason doesn't get that everything isn't ok. I still frankly hate The Ex, and don't want him in a chat that was meant to be a safe space for me. I don't know what to do. Everyone just thinks I'm being difficult and I'm so, so tired of this. I cried over this to be honest. And I still really want to shout at The Ex. I bought art books and sketching pencils to creatively redirect this anger, but it's getting all consuming. I am almost not able to do anything because im getting frozen by how intense im feeling right now.

[Sam W]

Ooof, that's no good at all. Especially since you were starting to feel as though you'd made a break from the anxiety around him. At a guess, your friends are probably figuring that the "talk" you two had counts as the big reconciliation and now everything is hunky dory. Which is not how any of that works. Do you have a sense of how you'd like to proceed with your friends, or who might be receptive to listening to you about how this is not all resolved?

High five for stalking up on creative supplies. I would keep trying to channel the anger into those pursuits, even if it feels really intense. Sometimes, you just have to channel it and let it pass, even if that can feel overwhelming. But getting it out helps keep it from freezing you for a longer period of time.

[Heather]

Well, that certainly sucks. (I am actually finding myself feeling flatly resentful at anyone who'd impinge upon the great headspace you were in with this!)

I have some quasi-random thoughts and ideas I just want to toss out to you with this in case they're useful.

I get the sense that your friends, from so much of this, are either just super-clueless at how to manage and just accept conflict from people within the peer group OR are perhaps being as manipulated by this guy as you were, per trying to make things as HE wants them. Or, I suppose, alternately, like manufacturing drama (goodness knows that having lived on a small rural island now myself for a bunch of years, it's clear that's a thing a lot of locals seem wont to do).

I think if you can figure out which of those might be at play here -- or if none, -- what IS underneath so much of handling all of this so poorly -- coming up with strategies that work might be easier.

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you perhaps just take him off that list yourself, and then just tell Jason you did because you don't want him in there. Or heck, take yourself out, if you feel better going about this that way, and that seems less likely to create or enable more drama. I know it sucks to have something that was a good thing for you be a thing you might have to leave behind for now, or be something made sour, it always really, really does. But I'd guess that it'll be more sour to keep him in it, or for you to stay in it, with it soured this way, and with people like Jason so clearly not being at all dedicated to doing what others can to make/keep it safe for you, and be something you can actually be included in.

I know when you're somewhere isolated like a small island, the ability to create new friend groups can be limited, but is there ANY way you might be able to at least shift your social circle to get away from this one sometimes? Or spend more social time off-island?