How to be there for a male victim

[Virginia]

I've tried to find answers to this question for a while now but I really haven't found that many sources on the internet that talk about male victims of abuse. I'm hoping someone here can give me some perspective and advice so I can best know how to handle this.

For some background, I'm a 21 year old woman and am currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. I was sexually abused as a young teenager by a much older male teacher of mine and have been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship which ended two years ago. This is my second relationship and my first since that one. I have a fairly good gameplan on how to handle the effects of the abuse I went through, and although it's a struggle I feel confident with the way I'm handling my emotions and fears regarding this.

My boyfriend is also a victim of abuse. I don't want to go too heavily into what he's experienced, since I don't see it as my story to tell and I want to respect his privacy. I will say though that he was very heavily emotionally and verbally abused by his parents, and physically abused by some of his siblings. He's also had to go through a lot of inappropriate and unwanted advances by older women.

Something that bothers me a lot is that when he's told people about the unwanted advances, he's been met with a laughter and even congratulated. I feel like that's unfair, because when I sought help after I was abused by the older man, I was met with sympathy. How can I best express to him that it's O.k. to have not been O.k. with those advances and to have felt disrespected/hurt/unsafe because of them? What can I do if/when other guys tease or congratulate him about them? I want to show him that I'm his ally in those situations without causing a big scene or drama.

In regards to the abuse he experienced in his family, I want to know how to best act around his family and how to express to him that he's safe, valued, and believed. He still has a close relationship with his parents and I'm around them fairly frequently. They've also been very kind and civil when I'm around, so I want to strike a balance between maintaining a sustainable relationship with his family while still showing him that I believe him and am there for him.

I also know that when it comes to male victims of abuse, there's a lot of unique stigma and shame associated with all that. For example, my boyfriend feels a lot of fear about being perceived as weak. When guys speak out or confide in people after being abused, it seems they're very frequently mocked ("Wow, he slept with his teacher? The kid got lucky" or "He got beat up by a girl? He must be so embarrassed") It seems as if it's not O.k. to be a male victim, and that society expects women to be the victims and for men to be the abusers. When I've Googled for advice on how to be there for a male victim, all I'm met with are articles about either how to deal with a male abuser or how childhood abuse increases the chance of a man becoming an abuser.

To wrap things up, my main questions are how can I help my boyfriend feel safe and believed, and what can I do to help lower the stigma and shame around being a male victim of abuse?

[Sam W]

Hi Virginia,

You're right that guys who are survivors face some specific types of grossness from people when they reach out for help. And I think it's great that you want to help him feel safe and loved. When it comes to how you can best support him, and how you can behave around his family, the best person to ask is him. He'll be able to tell you what kinds of actions help him feel supported and safe better than we'll be able to.

You may also want to check out one in six (which I think deals primarily with men being abused as kids) and Pandora Project (which is for all survivors, but has some resources specific to helping men and talking about how to counter the stigma male victims face).

[Heather]

I also want to add that our material for survivors of sexual assault and abuse is overwhelmingly inclusive, and not just about people of a given sex or gender. So, if you or he wants to go through the abuse and assault section of the site here, you'll both find plenty of information that's relevant.

(And some of the trouble you may be having in general searches you're doing online is that you're searching for "male" which may be excluding content that isn't made for survivors of any gender.)

You may also find these books handy, in general, per being the partner of an abuse survivor:
• Outgrowing the Pain Together by Eliana Gil
• Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them by Aphrodite T. Matsakis
• Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse by Richard B. Gartner
• (In case PTSD from any of his trauma is in the mix here) Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange