Jealousy and feeling "dirty"

[Shirin]

I've been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for about 6 months now and recently we had decided to have sex with each other for the first time. From the very beginning of our relationship we have been honest about our past sexual relationships (I was a virgin and he had two past sexual relationships: one in high school and one more recently in college but they broke up a year before he met me). My boyfriend tries to assure me that he derives no real emotional connections from either of those relationships and that I'm the first person he has actually sincerely loved on a deeper, meaningful level. I know I shouldn't, but I'm bothered by the fact I was not his first sexual partner on an irrational, emotional level. I dont have issues with his first sexual relationship and feel it has nothing to do with me but for some reason I get jealous of the second girl who I have also never met, who had sex with my boyfriend before I even knew him. The main issue here is I feel a sense of "dirtiness" having sex with my boyfriend because I can't stop thinking about "Oh no, he's done these things with someone else. He's touched someone else and is now touching me". I know it's irrational but I really hate myself for feeling "dirty" about it. Please help. How can I work on myself to prevent these feelings from ruining the kind, and nurturing relationship we have?

[Sam W]

Hi Shirin,

I think a place to start is to take a moment and examine where these feelings are coming from. In other words, what are some beliefs you have (about sex, relationships, etc) that might be creating this feeling?

Something else than can be helpful to counter this mindset is to remember that, even if a person has had sex before, they experience of being with you is still new to them. No two people are alike, so no two sexual partners will be alike. Being with a specific partner is a unique experience, rather than a repetition of what happened with previous partners.

[Heather]

I also want to add a few things I hope will be helpful.

By the time the majority of people are in their mid-twenties, if not sooner, just about everyone will have had more than one sexual partner. So, people having had a sexual history before a current partner really is just something most people are just going to have to get used to and learn to accept -- and hopefully, more than that, see it as more than something that's a negative to just suck up, since life experience usually offers us and others valuable things, even when it's not positive! -- if they don't already.

And even if he felt those previous experiences were just as important and meaningful as experiences with you, that'd actually be okay, and wouldn't make what's going on with you any less meaningful, valuable or acceptable.

It might help to put this kind of feeling and situation in other frameworks, like:
• Is it yucky because your boyfriend has loved other people -- like say, a best friend or a family member -- before you? Does that someone spoil or sully the love he's giving and sharing with you now?
• Is it a problem that your boyfriend has had other enriching life experiences before he's having the enriching life experience now that is his relationship with you? Like, if he was, say, in a scouting program for a few years that was a big part of his life, does that impact you being a big part of his life now, or somehow sully the life experience your relationship is for him?
• If your boyfriend really enjoyed a meal he had last week, would that make enjoyment he has on dinner tonight somehow different, lesser, or dirty?
• If you are best friends with someone now who had a different best friend than you five years ago, what impact does that have on your friendship with them now? Does it make you dirty or gross or <insert other term for a negative here> when you interact with them as a BFF now?

If you can sort through other similar things like that, it might help you to clarify the feelings and thoughts you're having about this particular context of previous life experience and experience with you now.

[Shirin]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I know it's not very helpful for either of us for me to feel this way. I will consider all your advice because it is true. I just wish I could figure out a way to stop the paranoia...the tiny voice in my head that says "oh no what if he's done this with her..." It feels very violating. I wish I could just stop. I've tried to do the "so what if he has? Get over it. You can't avoid doing/seeing/repeating every little thing". But that doesn't seem to work. So I suppose I should ask, any last suggestions or advice to stop myself from comparing my relationship with his old one? (And also for stopping myself from letting my ego say....."So what? Mine is better than that last relationship!" Because that seems a bit selfish and cruel...)
Again, I really appreciate all the help. This is my first relationship.

[Sam W]

Hi Shirin,

I think you're on the right track with trying to counteract that nasty voice. One thing that might help is to keep responding with "so what" or similar, to the point that it becomes like a broken record. Something else may be to, when you're being sexual together, focus on being in the moment rather than in your head. Pay attention to all the sensations you're feeling and on being with him, and it might help quiet your brain. Does that sound doable?

[Heather]

Looking at your last reply, I'm wondering if you have any sense of your why's for seeing his previous relationships and yours as being in competition. Usually, that comes from a place of insecurity, but you're going to be able to know best what it's probably about for you, and if it is about insecurity, the specifics about that.

I think if you can identify where that idea and feeling -- that you feel violated by him having had previous partners, and that you feel like his previous relationships and yours now are in some kind of contest for first place -- is coming from for you, you'll be better able to get more clear about your feelings AND start to figure out what you need around them, both from yourself and for yourself, and, potentially, what you might need in this relationship and from your partner that is reasonable to ask for and could help.

I would also add, though, that I hear you saying you wish you could make these "voices" (AKA, feelings) stop, but while I understand that they're unpleasant, simply going through them without trying to shut them out or push them away is probably your better route to quieting them over time, and getting better at just some positive self-talk when they happen, then trying to silence them is. So often, with so many things, the only way out really is through.

[Shirin]

I think being in the moment and acknowledging that there really is no competition will help. Actually, to be honest...my boyfriend had done something a few months back that triggered an insecurity I have within myself and my uprbinging with my parents and it happened to involve his ex girlfriend. I believe that event is what triggered this paranoia and escalated into these emotions. I do agree that I should feel these things though because these are feelings I've never had before. I have a history of trying to avoid and "cut out" emotions and invalidate them when I really should let them be so I can work on them. I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and we really discussed some of the things I felt and he was able to acknowledge them and remind me that this is MY relationship and that there really isn't any competition. We're working on being able to communicate feelings instead of trying to shut them down (I realized both of us do that). I think what really helped was him acknowledging my feelings instead of being defensive about them and him taking the time to REALLY explain that I do matter to him and that he values me as a person not just as his girlfriend (an insecurity of my own up bringing: being told I'm not worth things as a person and do not deserve the attention/love of others).

Thank you both for your help. I think the main thing here is to just allow myself to feel the things I feel, validate them, and live in the present so I can work on them. This also means being more open and allowing others to validate them too so I can work on moving on from them. I believe allowing my partner to help me figure these emotions out really helped me communicate and figure out where these insecurities stem from. I'm going to continue to remind myself of these things if these insecurities arise again for this same situation or any in the future.

I appreciate all your help. Thank you for what you do!