What do I do?

[Kela]

So, I'm seeing this guy.
He's very sweet, and would never push me into anything, we haven't had sexual intercourse yet because I haven't let it get that far...and I don't think I want to.
You know from my previous posts I suffer with bad anxiety around relationships and stuff, especially pregnancy, and I decided quite soon after I met this guy that I wasn't going to have sex till I felt ready. Now, though, a few months in, because I know he's too nice to ever push anything, I feel like I want to exploit this trait and never have sex, not even sexual contact any more Is that really bad? I've tried researching non-sexual relationships, but all that comes up is religious-based material, which is not very helpful at all, and, seeing as religious objection has been part of my anxiety story, I am very keen to keep away from anything which links religion with sex at all. I am attracted to him, and I do genuinely like him, it's not that.

I know I won't be judged here, so can anyone help me with what I'm feeling?

[Heather]

I'm not quite sure why you're thinking about this as having anything to do with exploiting someone as a given. And no, there' s nothing "bad" about anyone not wanting to have a sexual partner, be that temporary or permanent.

You don't want and don't feel good about having a sexual relationship any time soon, is what I hear you saying. I also hear you saying this person you're seeing would respect any limits you set. So, unless you're not planning on being honest with someone who wants a sexual relationship, by telling them that's not something you want, there's no exploitation here.

On the other hand, if you are asking if it's a problem to keep that information to yourself and not share it with someone because you think that so long as they have the idea you'll have sex with them in time -- when you know that isn't what you want -- then yes, that's a problem, because that'd be you being intentionally deceptive with someone to keep them around for what YOU want from them by not telling them something you think may result in them taking a pass on a relationship with you because that's something they want.

Really, if someone wants a sexual relationship and you don't, the only sound and interpersonally healthy -- and kind, for that matter -- answer is for both of you to be honest about that difference, and either then just part ways OR create a relationship together that isn't sexual, where the person who wants a sexual relationship can seek that out with someone who also wants that. Also, I'm not sure why all you're finding under non-sexual relationship content is religious, but it seems to me that that might be that wording. Platonic friendships, for example, are non-sexual, and goodness knows there's a lot out and about in the world about friendship.

If you're looking for content on romantic relationships that aren't sexual, you might want to look at sites and resources for asexual people, who have produced a lot of that content. But again, this is going to have to be something you talk with him about, honestly, and that also works with what he wants. If he wants a sexual relationship and you don't, and he wants a romantic relationship that's also sexual, then you two probably just aren't a fit in this regard. We've talked a bunch in the past about how just because someone shows up who isn't a total tool and who you like and feel attracted to doesn't mean that they're going to be a right fit for you or you for them. Pieces like someone being nice and us liking them are just what we'd need if we both ARE a good fit, want similar things, and both wanted to pursue the same kind of relationship. If we're not, it doesn't matter how sweet either of us are, or how attracted: if something just isn't right for someone involved or we don't want the same kind of relationship, that kind of relationship just isn't going to work for one or both people involved.

I also think that knowing you, and your history, pretty well, that it'd be pretty bad for you to be in anything where you felt you had to be sexual with someone to keep them around. You've been there before, after all, and been sexual when you haven't felt right about it to avoid being alone or without a boyfriend, and that strikes me as a pretty big backstep for you, but that's also just something that isn't good for anyone. I'd also encourage you to check in with yourself and make sure that some of what's up here isn't the same-old ongoing pattern where you're trying desperately to take any romantic opportunity afforded you and make it fit, even when it doesn't, because you'd rather have something that wasn't a good fit for you and someone else than not have a romantic relationship, you know? I think it's sound to say that when you -- you being anyone -- is thinking about being intentionally deceptive with someone (if that's what you're saying here), that's usually a HUGE clue that you're feeling desperate in some way. And desperation never is the stuff that makes for any kind of great ongoing relationship, be it a friendship, a sexual relationship, both, or any other kind, nor does going at anything from a place of desperation result in feeling good about yourself.

What's your therapist had to say about this, if you don't mind sharing?

[Kela]

He is definitely right for me, and I've learnt the hard way to never be dishonest about my feelings again. I guess I feel like I'm exploiting him by taking advantage of his good nature, and I know he'd do anything I ask, which is why I feel bad because that's not the right way to treat someone. He's a bit younger than me, he's 18 and I'm 21, and he hasn't had a proper girlfriend before. I guess this is such an issue in my head because now I am a lot more experienced than him when it comes to relationships. I do feel a lot more confident now in myself, it's amazing how much I've changed over the past year or so, I'm a completely new person!! Quite proud of myself, Heather I had an issue on new years day with an ex boyfriend trying to come back into my life, and I felt strong enough to say leave me alone.

[Onionpie]

Hi Kela. Do you think that he would TRULY do anything you asked -- that is, even if it was something that he didn't want to do or that he felt wasn't right for him? Because if so -- well, do you think that's really a healthy mindset for someone to have?

Could you expand a bit on why you feel that it's "taking advantage" of his nature to remain non-sexual in your relationship? Has he actually TOLD you that he wants your relationship to become sexual? Can you explain why you feel that not engaging in sexual activity is somehow exploiting his goodness? Maybe try to explore how you frame relationships in your mind.

Heather really emphasized the importance of talking frankly with him about what you're looking for in a relationship. I hear you're feeling a lot more confident about being able to be honest about your feelings, do you think you could start to extend that confidence to voicing other things too, like your needs? It can be really scary to put out there what it is we're looking for in a relationship, because there's always the possibility of those things not lining up with our partner's/potential partner's own needs. BUT when something is scary like that, that means it's important, and it also means that if you can do it, you are really brave and doing a really great thing for yourself. So, have you talked to him yet about what it is you and he are looking for in a relationship? Do you feel able to start working on the confidence to have those kinds of conversations?

[Kela]

Okay, so I've done some thinking and I don't think I want to stop all sexual contact, only sexual intercourse. I don't think it was what I really wanted, I'm feeling all a bit confused at the minute

[Heather]

Have you yet talked about all of this with the person you're seeing? If not, it sounds like it's time for that.