Big turn off from boyfriend

[Kittylene]

Hello, here I am with another question.
So me an my boyfriend have been together for a 11 months. He is 22 and I'm 23, I'm also his first girlfriend and sexual partner. He is everything I could have ask for, but there is one thing that drives me crazy (and not in a good way).
He likes to baby talk to me and make sounds like a puppy when we are together (not during sex thankfully) talking lol. Or on the phone. It drives me crazy and I have to try so hard to not make disgust gestures. So I just have to sit there smiling awkwardly. But it's a HUGE turn off.
I don't know how to tell him that I don't like that without hurting his feelings since he's a very sensitive person.
Any suggestions?

[Snorkmaiden]

I'd first of all stop smiling when he does that, because that is someting that tells him that you are enjoying it. So you are sending out a signal which is the opposite of what you mean. That's gotta be confusing.
Furthermore, even sensitive people should be able to cope with it if someone tells them 'Hey, no biggie, but could you cut down on the baby talk? I'm not really feeling it.' Or something like that.
In every relationship, there's going to be things that we enjoy and things that we don't. It's a normal thing and it's also normal that people talk about that. You're both adults, you can tell each other what you like and don't like. He'll survive.

[Kittylene]

Thank you for your advice.
I will talk to him about it.
Should I ask him if there's something he doesn't like about me? And tell
Him that it's okay for him to tell me, that I won't be upset about it?

[Redskies]

I don't think there's a need to do that. There doesn't have to be anything that bothers him for it to be okay for you to say to him what you want to say to him: there doesn't need to be an immediate equal exchange of things like this in a relationship.

It's also okay to feel upset if someone tells us they don't like a thing we've been doing. It's a really normal human reaction. What matters is how we respond: a healthy and compassionate response is to stop doing doing the thing they don't like, to understand that it's one thing they don't like and not a judgement on our whole self, and to manage the upset feeling without being mean or blamey to the other person or about our own self. Equally, when we're telling someone something, we're not responsible for making sure they don't have any bad feelings about it: that's just not possible, and it also means that we end up squashing or ignoring what we want, which isn't good for anyone over time. When we're telling someone something, we just want to make sure that we're bringing kindness to the conversation, not meanness or blame. Would you like to talk about how to have this conversation with your boyfriend?

I'd say it's actually usually better to talk about just one thing at a time. We're all human, and that means we can often have feelings about things that we want to work through for a short while. If we try to talk about anything else in that time without having taken a breath and some time with our own feelings about the first thing, it can get a bit jumbled up with the second thing and we can respond to the second thing in ways we wouldn't usually, and in ways we wouldn't want to respond.

What might be a good idea instead is for the two of you to have a conversation, or several conversations, about your relationship communication and how you both want to communicate. If you've been feeling unsure how to tell him you don't like something he does, and you're not sure if he would feel comfortable sharing something similar with you, it sounds like it's time for you both to set up some frameworks for you both to have communication like that.

Have either of you asked the other for anything in the relationship before? How have those talks gone? How about if you each want to see a different film or eat different food - how do things like that usually go?

[Kittylene]

Thank you for your response Redskies.
Okay so in our relationship we always try to go 50/50 because we know we should be fair with each other.
For example in movies and food, one week we go to a restaurant or watch a movie he wants, and the next week is my turn. We try to keep it like that because we both feel we are balanced that way.
And for conversations about what we dislike from each other, it's always very awkward, because I don't like making people feel upset, and I'm sure people always feel a bit of discomfort when it comes to that kind conversations right?
But we still have them, he has tell me that he doesn't like some of my attitude and yes I was a little bit hurt but I did stop doing what bothers him.

The reason I'm so worried about telling him about his baby talk, is because it's part of his attitude and I don't want to change him, it's a bit confusing. I don't want him to feel like I want him to change his attitude completely.
But I do wish he was more mature.
He is the first guy I date that is my age or younger.
I have always dated guys 3-5 years older than me.

[Redskies]

I think everyone feels some discomfort with conversations like this, yes! Of course you don't like making other people upset, especially anyone you care about. It's one of those things that does happen occasionally, though: part of relating to other people is that there are going to be differences and bumps to navigate sometimes. With this situation, the way things are, you're feeling uncomfortable; if you look at this the other way round, someone who cares about you would also not want you to be feeling uncomfortable. The way you feel matters too! It's usually better to ask them to stop, even if that makes them feel uncomfortable or upset once, than it is for you to feel uncomfortable repeatedly.

I'm not quite understanding how you would be changing him by asking him to stop doing one particular thing (baby-talk). Does he like being playful or silly? - there are many other ways than baby-talk that someone can express playfulness or silliness. You said you wish he was more mature: are there other things you're wishing were different, and it's not just about the baby-talk?

[Kittylene]

Well yes I do wish he was more mature about a lot of things.
I'm going to explain it.

So he is the first guy around my age I date, so I'm used to more mature independent guys.
I love him but I do wish he was more independent and mature for his own good.

I have always been very independent and living away from my mom, but recent I had to move back in with her because she is sick and I need to be with her taking care of her and keeping her company.
I'm working and going to school at the same time. I like to keep myself busy and being independent.

He lives with his parents and does absolutely nothing else but going to school.
I'm okay with that because there's a lot of people who lives with his parents.
But he is just soooo attached to his mom.
He doesn't go to his doctors appointments alone, he always takes his mom, and his parents pay for everything for him.
He doesn't know how to cook or do his laundry.
If we are not going out all he does is spend his time paying video games and staying in his room.
I have confronted him about this. About me telling him that I would like for him to have a job and be more independent but he says he can't go to school and work at the same time because he suffers from attention deficit. I think this is just an excuse, because I have a friend who has ADHD and has a perfect normal life.
I love him so much but this is also a big turn off and I don't know what to do. It bothers me so much.

[Redskies]

How do you feel the kind of life he leads impacts the relationship with you?

Sometimes, the way a partner lives their best life - or simply chooses to live their life - impacts the relationship. Maybe it has practical effects, and the kind of shared life isn't what we want or need; or perhaps we have significantly different priorities which makes the person not so compatible with us. it can be really challenging when that happens, especially if other parts of the relationship are good. It's important to try to recognise when it's happening, though, because these situations tend not to resolve themselves: it's important to figure out a way for everyone to feel good, whether that's together or separately.

I'm glad your friend is able to manage their ADHD and/or make adaptions to live the life they want. That management and those adaptions, though, vary greatly among different people with ADHD: there's such a wide variation that we really can't make broad assumptions or judgements based on just one person, you know? There are many people with ADHD living their best lives, living really well, and many of those lives won't look like what you might think of as "perfect normal" lives. That doesn't make them any better or worse, just different.

What your boyfriend does with his own life is really his choice. If he doesn't feel like he could successfully manage school and work together, maybe he's making the right choice for him? The two together are too much for some people, including some folk with attention deficit difficulties (but not others, of course), and when that's the case, it can be a wise, good choice to do okay or well at one than poorly at both. It can also be a responsible choice to take someone else into important things like medical appointments if someone would struggle to get what they need in the appointment or apply it afterwards otherwise.

If we're used to being very self-sufficient, it can certainly feel jarring when someone else doesn't have some kinds of life skills like cooking or laundry. But people's lives can be really different, and even if we just don't understand, acceptance is the best way to go, because it's not our life and not our responsibility. I'm wondering if this big difference between you and your boyfriend might be feeling especially jarring to you with you caring for your mother? Caring for a sick parent while we're still relatively young can feel quite isolating and give a pretty different view of reality, and even people's lives who just take care of their own selves can feel light-years away from our own. It would be absolutely okay if you wished for somebody who was closer to understanding your own lived reality. Does your boyfriend support you in your living the kind of life that's right for you?

Do you feel like you could accept that your boyfriend is just where he is at the moment? Do you feel understood and supported enough in the relationship where you are, and around your greater responsibilities?

[Kittylene]

Yes, I already talked to him about this and I told him I would respect the kind of life he is having and try to be more understanding. I have always support him on everything.
And yes, he supports me on the way of life I'm having, he has no complaints, he likes that I am very independent.

The thing that makes this hard is that I'm looking for a long term relationship and he is too, but I feel like he is not going to be ready when the time comes. And I'm scared he will not be prepared for the responsibilities of moving in together.
I know I might be wrong by worrying about this things, but I am trying hard to be more understanding and supportive with him.
Am I wrong about worrying about this?

[Redskies]

So, it's sounding like your concerns are mostly about what your shared life together might be like if you moved in together. Do I have that right?

That's definitely a very fair concern to have. I think that the timescale here is important: are you both considering moving in together within the next year? If you are, then it's a good time to start thinking about what that might look like, how you would both be happy, and what kind of arrangements and household-job sharing would feel doable and appropriately equal to both of you. If you're not considering moving in within a year or so, it's probably a little early to start thinking about how it would all work.

How responsible do you feel your boyfriend is in your relationship at the moment? For example, if he's told you he's going to do a thing, does he do it? When you and he make arrangements, does he usually keep to those arrangements? When you go and do something together or socialise together, does he contribute to decision-making or planning?