Friends with benefits

[1997gal]

I met this guy for the first time about a month ago... We have hung out a couple of times. We mostly talked but we also did other things! We are pretty open about what we don't want and do want... I want a relationship he wants sex buddies. I have never had sex before but I'm considering maybe doing it with him... He made it clear that we can be friends but not close if we arnt FB's... What should I do?

[Sam W]

Hi 1997gal,

I think the first thing to consider is whether or not you two want compatible things from a relationship. In other words, are the things he wants and needs from a relationship things you're okay with, and is he okay with what you want? It sounds, to me anyway, like he wants something casual, while you want something more serious. If that's the case, you two might not be a good match, simply because you want different things, and that could lead to frustration for one (or both) of you. Does that make sense?

I think you might also like these articles, to help with that process:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[1997gal]

Thank you!! this was vey helpful!

[Heather]

This piece might also be useful to you: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

In a word, I'd say that if casual sex isn't what you want, agreeing to it isn't usually a good idea, just like if, say, someone doesn't want to live on a certain block and can choose not to, they shouldn't choose to live there.

But that link can give you a sense of what agreeing to a casual sex situation or setup means, and if it is or isn't likely to work for you, if that's something you need so you can figure this out.

I'd also add though that it sounds a little to me like -- and you're going to be the best sense of this, just by checking in with how you felt about the way he presented this to you -- he's maybe kind of sexually blackmailing you a bit? In other words, like he might be saying that only if you have sex with him will he be willing to be anything but an acquaintance to you, because what HE wants is sex, and he thinks the only way he might be able to get it from you is by saying he will give you what YOU want -- closeness -- if you have sex with him. I'd say if that's at all what this felt like, or what seems to be up, that sounds like bad juju to me.

Generally, someone presenting an FWB model to someone else who isn't doing any sexual blackmailing, for lack of a better term, will present that model because it's something they think is in line with what both people want and might work for both them, not because they think it's the only way to get what they want for themselves. Know what I mean?

[1997gal]

Yes, I do I think you might be right... about the sexual blackmail... plus I don't think he wants it to be exclusive fwbs and i don't think i could handle that even though i still really want to have him in my life... I know its kinda crazy since he literally obviously doesn't care about me.

[Heather]

You know, sometimes who we want -- or the situation we could 'have" them in -- isn't good for us. It happens, we're all human and our desires don't always match our best interests. Plus, who people get hot in the pants for just doesn't always happen to be the most awesome of people. And, of course, sometimes we feel drawn to be with someone not because of who they actually are, and what they actually have to offer, but based on our ideals of them or what we WISH they were like or were offering. Few of us are immune from any of that in a lifetime.

But so long as we only choose to be part of what's really right for us, and matches what we REALLY want, it's all good. We can want things that are rotten for us or even when not rotten, just not right: we just hopefully can lead with what's right or better for us in the choices we make when it comes to those feelings.

[1997gal]

That's true...Thank you so much!

[Heather]

Glad to be of help.