Disapproving Father

[Fender909]

Dear Scarleteen Staff,

I wrote a bit ago about how I have a partner who I am comfortable having sex with. This is someone I also feel comfortable expressing myself to.

However, my father came across a post on my online blog in which I was expressing my happiness to have such a kind and caring partner. A few nights ago, he came into my room expressing that he is disappointed in me for having sex. He believes I am too young and that I am not mature enough to realize the "repercussions" sex carries with it. My father said he wasn't angry, but concerned. He was telling me that sex can damage relationships, especially for people my age.

After his initial expressions of disapproval, he was asking more questions like, "Have you been safe about it? You've been using condoms?" To which I replied "yes." Anyway, this whole conversation was very emotional for me, and I was crying most of the time just because it was a heavy subject to discuss with him. But the way he looked at me was just one of pure disapproval. Through my crying I kept saying, "I don't want to feel guilty for this. I know it's natural."

He then started laying out "ground rules," the main one being that I am not allowed to have sex in his house. He isn't going to let me spend the night anywhere for a very long time. His reasoning behind that is that he knows that even if he THINKS he is keeping a close eye on me, teenagers always find a way to "sneak around."

This is my birthday weekend and he didn't allow me to step foot outside once. Yesterday, I wanted to go to an art museum with my partner for a few hours, but my father doesn't even trust me to do that. It's as if he expects me to start having sex the second I walk out of the front door now. It's going to drive me crazy being isolated like this. The night after we initially talked about me having sex, he just bluntly told me that he expects me to not have sex. I am "not to be having sex." This surprised me, oddly enough, because the conversation we had the night prior to this gave me the idea that he didn't expect me to not have sex altogether, but he only expected me to be safe and mature about it.

Does it seem reasonable for him to expect me not to be having sex? I'm 17 years old now, so isn't it natural and ok to be exploring my sexuality now that I feel ready? Should I listen to him when he literally tells me what I should be doing with my body? I'm confused, and as I said before, I don't want to be made to feel guilty about exploring, you know?

On one hand, I am grateful that the fact that I am sexually active is out in the open to my parents now. But on the other, now that my father DOES know, he expects that to end. Now that they know, I just wish it could be a topic I could feel free to talk to them about and ask for advice on, but if I did, then they would know that I am going against what they want.

[Fender909]

I definitely don't want to just STOP having sex. But I'm a brutally honest and guilt-feeling person. So what should I do?

[Stephanie]

While I don't know your father, I do know that when parents find their children are growing up it can be a very scary thing for them. They can react in ways that hurt their kids, even though they don't necessarily mean to. It could be possible he needs some time to cool down from this, then he may be able to talk to you about his feelings without them coming out in a hurt scared jumble. Would you be able to take a couple of days and really put your thoughts together ( we would be glad to help you sort through them as well) then try talking to him about how you're feeling? Especially things like being stuck secluded because he wants to protect you?

Also, it's possible he's feeling he trusted you, and that the trust was broken. If that's the case, it may take some working on together to come to mutual feelings.