My girlfriend was assaulted by a stranger

[GoldenLyfe]

To preface all of this, my girlfriend and I (18yo male) have been dating for almost 2 years now, and have been living at two different colleges for this year.

Around 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend met a man who helped pick up her books when she dropped them at the college bookstore, and added him on facebook. Unknown to her, he slipped a $50 note into one of her books. Yesterday, he claimed she stole the note and requested it be returned to him at his dorm room. She went there, and he offered to give her a massage. After his claimed "roommate and his girlfriend" left, he proceeded to forcefully strip her, muffle her mouth, and fingered her and forced a dildo inside of her vagina (she is a virgin and it ended up causing quite a bit of pain). She was eventually able to break free, and he messaged her saying he was a pimp that employed girls including the "roommate and girlfriend" he showed earlier, that she enjoyed it, and that she had consented to it (she clearly did not). He then proceeded to delete his facebook account, which he had said was fake with a fake name.

My girlfriend told me all of this about an hour after it happened, and was understandly extremely upset and begged me not to tell anyone because she was blaming herself. I assured her repeatedly that none of it was her fault, but she was insistent that she didn't want the police or her parents involved. I eventually managed to convince her to contact a counselor, who said there was an ongoing investigation of the person (one other girl had a similar case with the same fake facebook account). My girlfriend still tells me all she wants to do is forget about it, but my belief that she'll regret that decision, along with the desire to prevent this man from harming more women, makes me want to do everything possible to find out who he is as soon as possible and bring him to justice, which includes calling the police and getting whatever DNA evidence is possible.

I don't know the right way to comfort my girlfriend and if it's possible to catch the man that did this to her. Please help

[Heather]

GoldenLyfe: I am so tremendously sorry to hear your girlfriend was assaulted. Please do let her know that support after abuse or assault is one of the things we do here, so if she needs an extra avenue of support, we're certainly available.

Ultimately, while I have no doubt your feelings about her reporting are based in earnest care and concern, one of the big things sexual assault does is to take away our control of our own lives and bodies. So, it's really important, when being there for someone in any way after assault, that someone doesn't do that, too, in any way. Rather than second-guessing whatever choices she decides she wants to make with reporting, I'd suggest you simply tell her you're there for her no matter what she chooses, and accept and respect her decisions and feelings about this. Reporting certainly can have some real benefits, but it also has some serious downsides, too: it's often a very hard process for victims that can add more trauma rather than helping with trauma.

She's not going to be able to forget about this, that, alas, just isn't a thing we can do with trauma. But her not wanting to have to talk about it with a whole bunch of people she doesn't know when she already feels so violated is perhaps a thing you can understand.

Since you weren't the person assaulted, there's really nothing you can do so far as this man and the justice system are concerned: these are her choice to make. I get that that can feel pretty awful, not being able to do anything to get justice for someone you care about, or take steps to make someone who did someone harm have to be accountable. But that is just how it goes. However, these feelings that you're having are certainly feelings you can deal with. Rape crisis organizations often provide support, sometimes even support groups, for the partners of abuse or assault survivors. You may want to find your local organization like this and see what they offer so you can also take care of yourself in this. These organizations also can help you when it comes to learning how to best support your girlfriend. We are also happy to give you emotional support here.

In terms of generally supporting her, the most basic, core thing is to just let her know you are here for her, ask her what SHE wants from you right now, and do your best to do whatever that is within your capacity. You may find this page of resources handy: http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html (Pandy's is also a great resource to give to her, as well.)

[GoldenLyfe]

Thank you for the response Heather. You've made many excellent points and linked resources that she and I can definitely use.

I'm also very concerned for her future safety. While it is obviously not her fault that the man assaulted her, I would like it if she was more aware of preventive measures for her own safety (such as pepper spray, forcing meetings to be in public places, basic self defense, not meeting strangers alone). Although she's clearly not emotionally ready to discuss such things yet, and I'm happy to wait, I'm curious when would be a good time to approach her about the topic, and whether it's too "victim blamey" to talk about. I just don't want it to happen again, and find out she was raped or seriously injured/killed next time....

[Heather]

One of the hard truths with sexual assault is that more times than not, all of the things people think about when it comes to prevention still don't always work or help. Too, some of them can take away our freedom: for instance, do you live a life where you never meet strangers alone? probably not. How might you feel about someone telling you that you need to start NEVER doing that for your safety? Probably not very good nor very responsive to that suggestion, besides.

Chances are good that whatever takeaways there are from this when it comes to things she can do for her safety and wasn't, she's already going to get there herself. In fact, because self-blame is something almost all victims of sexual abuse or assault do, she might already be feeling like it's her fault, and like there are things she should have done and didn't. I'd encourage you not to go there with her about this for that reason. It's also not for you - or anyone really -- to school someone else in how to protect themselves if they're not asking you for that information.

So, what I'd advise around that is just being open to again help if she wants it. For instance, if she wants to take a self-defense class -- and they're awesome, and can work in a bunch of ways, as well as often making someone who has been made to feel unsafe more empowered -- you can ask her if you can join her and also take one yourself, or walk her back and forth if she wants that, or just cheer on her newly-learned moves. Get what I'm saying?

Ultimately, worries about this happening again aren't really about what SHE can do. Were this to happen again, to her or anyone else, that would be about someone DOING it again, not about what she did or didn't do. I get the desire to think that she can somehow do a bunch of things that will keep this from happening to her ever again (because you love her: of course you don't want anyone to harm her), but again, abuse and assault are about taking someone else's control from us. The control with abuse or assault happening or not lies squarely with people choosing to abuse or assault or choosing not to.

A hard truth is that some people -- like women -- are simply more vulnerable in this world, mostly due to sexism and misogyny. Pepper spray, alas, can't do much battle with something as big and pervasive -- and so often so culturally supported -- as that. So, what I'd suggest as one thing you can do to positively support her increased safety and that of all women are things that push back against that in a bigger way, like some of the things you'll find in this amazing book from our illustrator: http://www.scarleteen.com/node/7914

[Heather]

(Also, that link I gave you does have some safety/prevention advice for everyone that IS sound. So, if she ever wants any of that, it's something you can share with her. But again, I'd really do all you can to lead with what SHE says she wants and needs right now for herself, not what YOU want for her. You need to take care of you and your feelings, to be sure, but do try your best to do that without asking for her to do things she may not or clearly does not want. She's dealing with enough right now, and she really needs to focus on her own needs.)

[Heather]

By the by, if you'd like to just talk with us about YOUR feelings, we can totally do that. After all, you're going to have your own feelings and your own needs, and secondary trauma is a for-real thing. You certainly wouldn't be overstepping our needs to ask for that, and sometimes just talking out more of your own feelings can go a long way towards avoiding putting those feelings and needs on someone who was, themselves, traumatized by the thing that has you having all of your own feelings.