My Lover May Have Assaulted Someone

[MsBee]

If this is the incorrect forum for this post, please do move it. I apologize if this post is triggering to anyone.

I'm not in a good place to share a full story right now, but it recently came to my attention that my current lover was accused of committing statutory rape almost a decade ago. What's more, I recall reading about this as it was a huge point of discussion in one of my social communities last year when the potential victim first came out about the incident, and though she publicly accused him by name, but I had forgotten about the situation and did not remember that he was involved. Now I'm torn between my policy of always believing and supporting the victim, and my fondness for the accused individual that I have an intimate relationship with. I'm also just now coming to terms with my own assault, which occurred in much the same way that she describes her's. I'm a bit of a mess right now and all I want is to sit down with him and ask for his side of the story, but I don't know if that's a good idea or how I will cope with what he tells me.

[Jacob]

Hi MsBee,

This sounds like a really disorienting situation! I think this board would be the right place for it.

I'm thinking that if asking him is what you really want to do, it's not a bad idea per se. It could clarify some things. My hope would be that he'd be honest about that situation, but he also may not. It is also worth considering having an exit plan and someone you can turn to after that conversation... lining up some after-care, like meeting a friend nearby, can be a really good idea for those heavy and potentially triggering situations. I also don't know what sort of reaction he might have, so perhaps having this conversation in a cafe where you're not alone could be a good move too.

I don't think this would count as not believing a victim, because really you're not passing judgement at the moment, you're just trying to find out more so that you can be safe and so that you're not in a relationship with someone you'd be uncomfortable. with. But all of these things are your decision.

What sort of support do you think you might need in the time surrounding that conversation?

[Mo]

This sounds like a very confusing and upsetting situation, and I'm sorry you find yourself in it. It may be a good idea to give yourself some space from your partner for a while, so you have a chance to gather your feelings a bit and think about how you want to proceed. Do you feel like taking that space is possible right now?

If you want to talk to him about this you certainly can, although I think it's hard to know how that discussion might go, or even what the best outcome would be. It would be hard to know if his account of the situation is accurate or honest; as Jacob says I'd hope someone would be honest in this situation but I don't think it's something you could necessarily count on. I don't want to discount the affection you clearly have for your partner, but regardless of that it seems likely that any conversation or confrontation you have about this may be pretty uncomfortable or upsetting at the very least.

It sounds like this is hitting close to home for you and regardless of the rest of the situation, it's important to take good care of yourself right now.

[MsBee]

Thank you for the replies, Jacob and Mo.

I'm aware that if I ask him what happened, he may lie to me, but I would hope he respects me enough to share his truth. What I don't know is whether I'll believe him, regardless of what he says; I want to think the best of him so it would be difficult to accept him saying that he actually did this, but I am also inclined to believe the potential victim so it would be difficult to accept him saying that he did not. I think I just need to give him a chance to share his side, as none of the discussions from last year ever covered his perspective and I cannot find any comments directly from him about the issue.

As far as distancing myself from the situation, that will be fairly easy as we currently live in different cities, roughly an hour apart, and usually only see each other on the weekends. So I have time to gather my thoughts and decide how I want to go forward with this, and if things end poorly, I don't have to interact with him on a regular basis, though that would involve giving up social gatherings that are important to me.

I don't know what sort of support I might need after speaking with him. I have friends that I would like to speak with, but our community is small and prone to gossip, and I wouldn't want anything my lover told me to get out. And I suppose I could see a counselor, but I don't know if the information I disclose could get him into legal trouble. I don't want to actively protect someone who may have committed a crime, but the alleged victim isn't pressing charges and I don't want cause trouble if both parties are trying to move on.

[Mo]

I would hope that your friends would understand the need to keep from gossiping or sharing information in this case! I understand that it can be hard to share sensitive material when there's a culture of things being spread around, but if folks were to do so in this situation that would be really unfortunate. As far as a counselor goes, you'd certainly be able to ask something like "if I wanted to talk about x allegations against someone I know, what if anything would you be obligated to report?" and get a clear answer before deciding to disclose certain information or not.

We're definitely happy to talk about this with you any time you think it would be helpful. That's what we're here for!