Relationship troubles

[lilyx]

It has been a while since I have been on this site, but as some of you know I have been through a lot. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and he knows everything about my past. The problem is, well there is a few...

1. Parents/ mother not liking him - always in the background of our relationship but not really causing any harm to it besides it being the only fight that we have when things get really bad

2. Due to the abuse that happened I am unable to do certain sexual acts (oral, giving) at times. I tried explaining to him that in order for me to do it I have to be in the mood and want to do it not in any way feel pressured to it or I will get a panic attack. He says that this explanation doesn't make sense.

3. His way of joking around. I'm not used to the way he jokes around, I understand it is all meant to be in a joking manner but to me certain things he says gets me upset. I have told him this and he has tried to change it but sometimes he forgets. This pertains to sex and myself.

I don't know if there is anything else, this is all I can think of right now.

Aside from all of this I'm in a fairly healthy and loving relationship.

[Heather]

It is fantastic to see you, though I am sorry is is for this reason!

Can we start with the latter two issues?

You know, no one else actually needs to understand why you need the limits you do. Mind, chances are that he, too, is not okay doing things he does not want to, is not in the mood for, or does not feel comfortable with, so it is not like it is that hard to understand what you are asking for. This is, in fact, the basic standard with sex and consent everyone needs to have, so it is not like you are asking for anything unusual or exceptional.

But even if says he does not understand, he does not have to: he just needs to accept that, get on board, and be on board. Is he? In other words, he says he does not understand, but does he still respect that limit, without pushing?

With the jokes, I am hearing you say he is working on changing. Really, that is all anyone can do. Can you live with him making gradual progress there? You say this relates to sex, can you explain how?

I set aside the issues with your mother, because I am not sure how things have been with her. In your history, she has done things like denied that impact of your abuse and kept you from help with it, so my guess is that unless she has done some of her own work and grown since, issues with her about just about anything are probably still very strained.

[lilyx]

He does respect my limits and doesn't push when I don't want to do something. As for the joking, he would get me excited then pretend like we are not going to have sex for a little then precede to continue like nothing happened. He would also joke about how I probably be better if I would be with some other guy. It is annoying sometimes but he is working on it like I said so hopefully it'll get better.