Why do I hate myself?

[LOONA]

Recently I have been feeling worse and worse about myself. I have been debating starving myself and I have been binge eating a lot. I hate myself and more times than not I wish I could just sleep forever. I feel so alone. Is there anyone else who feels this way?

[capablehippie]

Hi There LOONA,
First of all, since you're feeling alone, you can talk to me if you want. I don't hate myself, and I don't wish to sleep forever, but I do struggle with food/eating, so I can be at least 1/3 empathetic. Please don't starve yourself. If you start it, you'll might never be satisfied. And of course, it's not healthy. Not that binging feels good or is healthy either. I would recommend trying to pay attention to how you feel when you start a binge, or if you don't plan it, think back to how you were feeling before after you binge. Try to watch for those feelings/situations (bored? sad? self-loathing?) and do something besides eat then, or try to stay away from the kitchen. Chewing gum helps me, because I tend to crave sugar.
Have you felt bad like this often for a long time? Do you think this is summer suckiness or something more serious, like depression? I noticed you live in New England - me too. Isn't it beautiful here? Can you try to do something like go for walks or bike rides? Especially if you're home all day every day. You could find a special spot all your own. Don't get poison ivy while trying like me though, okay? From how you have helped people here just in the past few days shows me that you're a really nice person. You deserve much better than feeling alone or hating yourself. You deserve to be happy. It's like you said: "First stop and tell yourself, ' I am PERFECT.' Keep doing you and that is beautiful."

I hope this helps,
Capable Hippie

[capablehippie]

Two more questions I thought of:
If you don't have anyone that you feel comfortable talking to in person about this, do you want to list out all the mean thoughts and worries (if you've been worried) you have been having? It might help to look at them, because if you get them out of your head where other people can see them they are less powerful. I can try and help you debunk them so that they aren't powerful at all.
What do you usually do that makes you feel good about yourself? Have you been doing these things? One thing I tend to forget about is getting dressed, and getting dressed in something I like/want to wear that day. For me, it can make a big difference on my self esteem.

[Redskies]

Hi Loona,

in addition to the lovely support and good suggestions from capablehippy, can I ask, have you ever spoken with a doctor or therapist about any of this? What you're describing sounds like a significant level of distress, and some things where some professional mental health help is usually a good idea.

Is there anyone you think would support you in seeking out that help - for example, a doctor you already see, a parent/guardian, a school counsellor, another family member, someone else?

[LOONA]

I don't understand why my brain works in these ways. I have an appointment with a counselor. But I think it's getting harder... I think about it constantly now. I hate myself for the stretch marks on my thighs and chest and the size of my body. I have siblings and I don't want them or my parents to know how bad I think its getting... I've missed a day of meals and binged the next... how do I stop?

[Karyn]

I'm very glad you have an appointment with a counsellor; hopefully that's soon. In the meantime, do you have anything you know helps you when you're feeling down, or ways to distract yourself at least for a little bit so you aren't so anxious and distressed all the time? Capablehippie suggested going for a walk or a bike ride, or getting dressed in clothes that you love and that make you feel good about yourself: listening to favourite music, spending time with friends, watching a movie you really like can also be good self-care strategies. We have a big list of things here you can try too: Self-Care a La Carte

I also understand not wanting to let your parents or your siblings know that you're struggling, but sometimes it can actually be really helpful just to tell someone else how you're really feeling. Asking for that support can be scary, but it can also be a huge relief and often goes a long way towards not feeling so alone. Do you think you could talk to one of your parents?

[LOONA]

I've been diving into reading to distract myself. This feeling gets really bad when I'm on my period. I'm sorry to waste people's time and energy. I'll be fine. It's just another rough spot.

[Sam W]

Hi Loona,

I'm glad that you've found reading is helping. And I would definitely mention that you've noticed these feelings getting worse when you're on your period.

I noticed you're not comfortable asking your family for support. Do you have friends who you feel you could talk to about this?

[capablehippie]

For the record, I don't think you're wasting anyone's time or energy like you mentioned. If anyone has helped you or comforted you at all, it's not a waste of time. Even if it's "just a rough spot," everyone should have someone to talk to. As for how to stop bad food cycles or binging... One thing I do is keep a list of everything I eat, keeping track of it can be helpful for awareness/consciously trying to stop yourself from binging. Even if you're at home all day you could plan out/set aside the meals and snacks you are responsible for getting for yourself. Try not to punish yourself for binging by starving yourself, let each day be new. You could even delete your list of food or flip to a fresh piece of paper each night before you go to bed or morning, to symbolize starting fresh. I'm sorry if this all seems like a bunch of b.s., or like something you just can't do right now. It might help until you get to the counselor's at least though.

[Sam W]

Loona, I wanted to add one other thought, going along with what capablehippie said. As someone who's dealt firsthand with the cycle of not feeling great->feeling awful about myself->feeling slightly better->oh crap feeling not great again, being able to recognize the bad patches for what they are is an accomplishment, as it helps you understand your own emotional patterns. But even if you know the bad spells pass? That doesn't mean you don't deserve help for them. You deserve support and tools to help make those bad spells less intense, or at least a little less awful to get through.

[wintergreen]

Loona,
Have you been going outside? I've had problems similar to his that ended up being a vitamin D deficiency. I know that during the school year, it's a lot easier to get up and walk around and get sun, especially on am outdoor campus or somewhere where you walk to school or do afterschool sports. During the summer it's a lot easier to stay inside online.

You're wonderful the way you are. I know that's kind of a pointless platitude, but it's true.