Boyfriend depressed?

[wildprincess]

Hello all,

It's been a really hard few weeks and I didn't really know where else to go or who else to turn to. I just need some kind of forum where I can vent and talk about this as I feel as if I would not be able to talk about to someone in my life.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 months now. Everything was great at first and he was so sweet. It was amazing being with him and I was so happy. He told me that he loved me and was very affectionate in general. We used to Skype a lot and text almost every minute of the day. Then about 2-3 weeks ago (I'm not very sure when it started), something changed. It was honestly quite subtle at first. Just once or twice he would want to go out with his friends rather than spend time with me. Then it got alright again before taking a downturn 2-3 weeks ago.

2 weeks ago, he came over and he slept over at my house. It was the first time he's done so and naturally we were both excited. As I too am battling with depression (though I feel its mild and I am getting better- I am also getting professional medical help), the event was littered with some small petty fights. I felt upset that he rather spend his time sleeping- which was what he did the entire of the next morning until he had to leave- than talking to me. We had a huge fight which resulted in us almost taking a 'break'. This 'break' idea reoccured once again three days ago. I brought up to him that I felt as if he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore which he said he did but he just felt swamped with the obligation to always talk. I think what he was saying was that he really wanted space. After a lot of talking, we managed to patch things up which was good but I am starting to get concerned.

During the talk, he told me that he's been having some suicidal thoughts these past few months as he's been extremely stressed. He's going through one of the biggest examinations of his life right now, plus he has been having some family issues so it is understandable that he would be very very stressed. These suicidal thoughts are not new as he told me he has had them before two years ago. I assumed it got better though as he did mention that he did get happier. He's also told me he's lost interest in talking to both me and his friends and that it's nothing personal (he still texts sometimes and quite frequently though just not as frequently as before). He also sleeps a lot and wants to be alone a lot which both worries and scares me as I don't want him to hurt himself. He has told me before that he gets a lot of 'headaches'. His behavior has also been less affectionate and I do realise that he is someone who really values time to himself and he really does not like opening up to people. He's really guarded and closed off and he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't want to push it right now as he is already stressed enough as it is and I feel that would just push him away further.

I'm just really scared that he might have depression and I really want to help. I'm planning on asking him about it the next time we text. What else can I do (asides from reassuring him that everything will be fine and showing affection by telling him I love him and all- which is what I'm doing now)? I won't be able to see him until after the exams due to both our busy schedules. Thanks so much. I'm so worried that somethings wrong and I feel so helpless.

[Karyn]

That sounds like a rough situation, wildprincess. It's hard to see someone you care about struggling, and it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot on his plate right now, so like you said it's not surprising that he's stressed.

Unfortunately, this isn't really something you can fix. Letting him know that you care about him and demonstrating affection in other ways is pretty much all you can do, although if he's talking about hurting himself then you can also urge him to seek out professional mental healthcare. It may also be worth asking if there's anything specific he needs from you at the moment, like slightly less frequent contact so that he can focus on the other parts of his life that need his attention, or something smaller like a silly movie night every so often to take his mind off things. (If he doesn't want to talk about this at all though, then that's something you need to respect; you can mention that if he changes his mind you're there, but then let it go.)

At the same time, it's important to take care of yourself, so if he wants to spend more time alone, that could be an opportunity for you to do some self-care or spend time with friends or family.

[wildprincess]

Yes the infrequent contact is definitely something that I am planning on doing. He has also mentioned it and it has been quite beneficial to both of us (well I'm not sure about him but for me it's been quite helpful). I'd admit it was a little hard to not talk to him so much as we used to text a lot but the space is actually quite nice and I've gotten more time to focus on school and my studies so its definitely been beneficial.

It's really hard to see him like this. I'm just really anxious that he needs help. I'll bring it up with him some time soon. I was thinking of asking him if he suspects he could might have depression. I'm not so sure how to phrase it without triggering him and making him upset. I really just want to help and I want to be there for him. But its so hard to help when he wont let me in. I'm trying to respect that boundary and just telling him over and over and throughout our conversation that I'm there for him.

Thank you for the quick reply!

[Karyn]

I'm glad the less frequent contact has been helpful for you both: that constant contact at the beginning of a relationship can be lovely, but it's nice too when things settle down a bit and both people have a bit more time to pursue their own lives and interests.

As for how to bring this up with your boyfriend, you could say something like "I really care about you, and I know you haven't been feeling great lately, and there's a lot going on in your life that's stressful. I'm wondering if you might think about talking to a professional about it sometime?" That sort of phrasing is pretty low-key, not insistent, and avoids using loaded terms like depression, but it still makes it clear that you care about his wellbeing and that you're concerned. Of course, there's no guarantee he won't be upset: that's not something we can ever promise, and talking about things like mental health can be upsetting, but that doesn't mean it's a conversation that should be avoided.

[wildprincess]

We had a conversation today. Well. 5 minutes of talking. Not really a conversation. I asked if we were okay and he said yep and it was alright. I said I love you and he usually says it back and I really needed to hear it today so when he didnt say it back I kind of asked it outright if he could say it back. He came online and did his things but didn't reply me. I just feel like he's losing feelings for me and honestly I think I am too. I think one of the only reasons left that I am staying is just because like I lost my virginity to him and it seems stupid to lose your virginity to someone you break up with in like less than a month. I don't know. I've become so detached to everything.

[Sam W]

Hi Wildprincess,

It sounds like another conversation might be in order. From what you've described, you're not feeling super confident in your relationship, and he might not be feeling super invested. Your feelings about not wanting to break up because you consider him your first sexual partner is understandable. We absorb a lot of messages about how having sex with someone means you're truly in love and are going to be together forever (or for a very long time). But the truth is, plenty of people have sex and end the relationship soon after. That doesn't mean sex was a bad or wrong decision. It just means the relationship was not what the people involved needed or wanted. Does that make sense?

[wildprincess]

Thank you for your quick reply! I've had had some thought about it and would kind of like to share them here.

So basically he and I still haven't been talking a lot and it's perfectly fine since he's under a lot of stress and he wants to be alone. Well a lot of my friends say he should, if he was a good boyfriend, drop everything and address my concerns when I'm upset (since I've been struggling with depression). I agree to an extent he could be a better boyfriend. Of course he could. But I could be a better girlfriend too.

And relationships aren't easy. We're in a rough patch right now but I feel like I should/have to tough it out. I was really hesitant at first and was considering listening to them (aka breaking up) because the counter argument of "if he's like this now, then what about in the future. Isn't it going to just be like this every time he's stressed?" kept running through my mind. But I never considered the possibility or option that he could change. I'm making a judgment on his character based on right now which might not be his best moment. Yes, if this is a reoccurring issue and we have talked about it and its still like this after 3-4 times, yes we should break up. But right now it's the first time it's happened and we haven't really addressed this issue as he's still doing his exams. I really do love him and want to be with him. Perhaps he doesn't realise this and a conversation about it after his exams are over would clear things up. Its also not fair for me to place a judgment on him and how our future would be so fast right? If after discussing, he realises that my needs and wants are too radical from his and we break up, that would make much more sense and make me feel better as if makes me feel better knowing that I at least fought for him and tried. Does this thought seem stupid? Am I making excuses for him? I feel I am making excuses for him but excuses are valid in some instances.

[Sam W]

I think it's fair to say that he's in a rough place right now, and he has been up front with you about his need for space. Relationships do have rough patches, and those patches are likely when one or both people are stressed (I will say that stress is not an excuse to be a jerk to your partner, so if his behavior starts to be like that, it's a bigger issue). So, if you want to see what happens once his exams are done, that could give you some useful information as to whether the two of you can continue this relationship. And even if it does end, that doesn't mean it wasn't important or you didn't try. Relationship end for all sorts of reasons, including a mismatch in what the people involved need.

[wildprincess]

I guess he has been a little jerky. He starts off conversations with me but when it comes to talking about stuff like I love yous or just sometimes out of no where, he doesn't reply at all. He'll ignore me and won't even say goodbye or anything. I've always texted him back a day later and picked up the conversation and he would continue. Today though I'm not planning on doing that. I'm not sure if this is "jerky" behavior but it seems like it is..? If so, what should I do about it? I definitely will not be able to talk to him about it as he would probably ignore me (or if not, maybe get upset/mad).

[Sam W]

Before his exams started, was he acting in a similar way? In other words, has him ignoring you been something that's been a part of your relationship for awhile?

[wildprincess]

No definitely not. Prior to his exams he would always talk to me and Skype. Perhaps it's also because we had a two week break where we didn't see each other. The two week break might have caused his feelings to change for me? He did admit he felt less affection to both myself and his friends as he felt overwhelmed by having the responsibility of always having a conversation with people when he wanted time by himself. I guess I'm just anxious that his behaviour now (eg: not texting, talking) is directly correlated to him losing feelings.

[Onionpie]

Hi wildprincess. As someone who suffers from depression, I can say that in my own experience, during times of great stress and work overload, I do find myself feeling detached from and "less affectionate of" all of the people in my life. This feeling always goes away over time, it never lasts that long -- once the stress is out of my life, my feelings for people in my life are back to the same intensity that they were before. So, it could be that your boyfriend experiences this too, and that's what this is.

However, that being said -- it's important to keep communicating with each other about what's going on, even during rough times, so I would second sam's suggestion to talk to him about this. Let him know how you've been feeling lately about the way he's interacting with you. If he brushes you off, that's not about depression -- that's a bigger issue, like sam said. Even when we're having a hard time with stress overload, it's still possible for people to curb our behaviour if we know it's negatively impacting the people we care about.

So, it doesn't have to be A Big Huge Talk that is adding lots more stress onto both of your plates, but it can be as simple as a "Hey, I've noticed that you've been pretty short with me lately, and ignored several of my messages -- what's that about?" You know, you can even voice your anxiety here, that's totally an okay thing to do -- "I know you've been having a very hard time lately, but our lack of talking and openness has made me really anxious about where your feelings are at with regards to our relationship. I'd like to hear how you're feeling about us?"

[wildprincess]

I am planning to talk to him after his exams which is in about 2 and 1/2 weeks. I'm kind of afraid to talk to him about it now since he'll just probably ask for a break (which is basically a break up in his terms) and I really don't want that. That has happened just a week ago and I'm really anxious it would happen again.

I am coping in a way. My anxiety has not sky rocketed. I am still alright but I do wish we had just a few short snippets of conversation now and then. I'm not sure what I'm searching for here but I just really want to talk about it.

[Sam W]

I think you could still approach him using the example that Onionpie gave above. And, truthfully, if even a talk like that leads to a fight or a desire for a "break," then that's a sign that this relationship isn't sustainable long term. Dating when one or both people have a mental illness can be challenging, but one of the things that makes it workable is a willingness to communicate, even in those stressful periods. If that's not something the people involved can manage, then ending the relationship may be the best choice for everyone, even if the initial ending of it sucks in a big way. Does that make sense?

[wildprincess]

I tried talking to him about it. He said "just don't know how I feel about having a relationship right now" and I asked him how he still felt about me. He didn't reply so I replied around 2 hours later saying that let's just not talk about it now and after his exams as apparently I'm not even worth a text back. He's been ignoring my texts more often. 7/10 times he would ignore it hence my idea that I'm not even worth a text. He got defensive and said that he was trying to cope with work and that he hadn't even seen the message (though he clearly had been online). I replied apologising if it came out like that but he once again ignored it. I guess I'll wait until after exams and then talk about it? On one hand I'm thinking that he's treating me like crap and I did give him the opportunity to talk and change. On the other I'm thinking that I didn't give him the chance to talk when it wasn't a stressful situation and knowing how he is, he doesn't handle stress well. A big part of me is still with him because he's the first person I lost my virginity to and I don't want to seem 'slutty' or 'easy' since I broke up with him so soon. But then again I shouldn't subject myself to this kind of mental abuse just because of that. Should I just break up with him right now or give him another shot?

[Karyn]

Whether or not to break up is something only you can decide, but from where I'm sitting it does sound like this relationship is causing more stress than enjoyment for you right now. You've only been dating for a couple of months, and often when we encounter big roadblocks that early on in a relationship, it's a good indication that maybe the relationship isn't the best fit.

Per your concerns about seeming 'slutty' if you were to break up with him, can you talk a little bit more about where those concerns are coming from? (For example, are you worried about the reaction of your friends or family?)

[wildprincess]

I said I was frustrated that it seemed like I was the only one trying and wanting this and he just kept saying I dont know and that maybe I was the only one who still wanted this. It's frustrating for me because he never voiced his concern of wanting to break up then again when I bring it up he says things like this. And he never explicitly uses the word break up. It's more like he's too scared to break up with me and waiting for me to break up with him? I don't know. I don't know what his 'I don't know' means. Its extremely ambiguous. It could be 'I don't know how I feel' or 'I don't know. I want to end this at the same time I dont.' I guess it's a bad time to keep overloading him with stress and these questions as his exams are tomorrow and he has a huge ton of work to do revising before them. I know for sure he's studying his ass off for these exams but I can't help but feel (or worry) that he has another girl..? Maybe that's why hes feeling so unsure. But then an argument resurfaces that I have had this same feeling. This feeling of complete "I dont know". Like right now. I don't know if I still want to be with him but I know I don't want to break up. But it's different for me because my feelings are based off of his actions. I guess his feelings are based off of stress. Perhaps once again, its better to leave it and talk after exams.

Per the slutty thing, I'm more anxious about how my friends would perceive me as my family does not know. Somehow word got around school hence I'm worried that other people would think that also. I don't know. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now and I've been studying so much its really kind of stressing me out.

[Sam W]

It does sound like, for both of your sakes, holding off on pushing the issue until after the exams is a good choice. It will remove a stressor that might be effecting the conversation. At the same time, if the same issues are happening without the excuse of exam stress, that gives you important information as to whether this relationship can continue.

Rumors of being "slutty" are a risk that women who choose to be sexually active face, and plenty of people are worried about facing those rumors. Something to keep in mind is that there isn't anything wrong with being sexually active. It was a choice you made based upon what you thought and felt was right. It can also help to consider the fact that there will always be people who judge you for one reason or another, and that there are ways to shake that judgement off. Do you feel like that's something you know how to do?

[wildprincess]

He broke up with me today. I'm not really sure how I feel. I just feel nothing. I need some comfort right now because his reasoning was that "I just dont feel the need for a relationship right now". As if everything was on his shoulders. He said that it could partially be due to exam stress but he isn't sure. I just feel nothing right now and I just need some comfort.

[Karyn]

I'm so sorry, wildprincess. Breakups are tough! (This is one of those times I wish my keyboard had a *hug* button.)

I know you've mentioned that you have exams coming up, but are you able to take a bit of time to do something that you find comforting or relaxing? This piece also has some good suggestions on dealing after a breakup: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like his reasoning doesn't sound really clear or make a lot of sense to you, and I know that can make a breakup really tough to deal with. You mentioned that you're worried about how some of your friends might react if you broke up, but is there anyone you think would be comforting and nonjudgmental, who you could lean on for some support or distraction right now?

[wildprincess]

My friends have been really supportive and have really been there for me recently. No matter how shitty it got they reassured me that I would get through it. It just seems like his reasoning of of "I just dont see a reason for a relationship anymore honestly" makes it seems like disposable. When it didn't suit him anymore then I had to be gone. It just hit me really hard because I thought we were something special and I really gave it my all. It just seems like he "lost feelings" and I just feel like telling him, "of course you would lose feelings. You can't expect it to be like the first time we met. But that's when it gets tough and you fight through them." But he basically told me that he doesn't want to try anymore which makes it hard too I guess. I don't know. I oscillate between being sad and down (like now) and being mildly okay- around people I have to be okay, or at least pretend to and that pretense kinda fools me into thinking I'm okay too. I just need some support right now and I feel at a complete loss over what to do.

[Karyn]

I'm glad you have supportive friends: being able to lean on others can make a big difference. Are you able to spend some more time with them in the near future, or connect with them in some way to get some support?

All of what you're describing feeling, for what it's worth, is totally normal: going back and forth between being upset and feeling more okay is pretty typical after something painful happens, and over time you'll likely find that you have longer periods of being okay and fewer times where you're upset. For now though, you get to be upset, you get to feel however you feel. Part of the process of healing is to just experience your feelings as they happen.

As for what to do, did you have a chance to look at that article on breakups? It expands quite a bit on what Mo and I have already said, and has some good tips on how to move forward. This piece on self-care might also be useful: Self-Care a La Carte

[wildprincess]

Yes thank you for your quick reply. I have read the post about break ups. I have school in a few hours but I'm not ready to go and face people. I also have to return some of his things today- I wanted to get my friend to help me pass it on but maybe it would help if I did it myself and got it over with. I don't know.

In a way, the break up was needed for the both of us. The relationship was really toxic to begin with and I knew that. We never really got to know each other before jumping into the relationship and in a way it was kind of like ripping a bandaid off. I knew that it was the right decision for the both of us as the relationship was never really that healthy but still I did (do) really love him. That's the part that sucks. I love him even though it's unhealthy.

[Karyn]

It's totally possible to love someone and at the same time know they're not a good fit for us, or that the relationship isn't a healthy one. Emotions aren't necessarily logical or sensible: maybe that's why they can be so difficult to deal with.

What do you think would help you in terms of getting through the day today? For instance, is there a friend who is in most of the same classes, who you can talk to before school starts and let them know that you're feeling pretty down and that you might need some extra support? Or, is it possible to delay returning some of his things for a few days until you're feeling more up to dealing with that?