REALLY need help/advice with a "break" in my relationship. (long)

[ax]

Hi This will be a little long but I want to give as much information as I can to get an accurate answer. Please bare with me. I also just posted this in the other forum for everyone but I want some professional answers too.

My "boyfriend" and I have dated for almost 3 months and we'll both be 16 in September.

I thought everything was perfect which is why this is hard for me to take, not to mention it's my FIRST time going through something like this. I've had 2 past boyfriends but I was never really into them like I'm into this guy...
Last Saturday, he told me he was having weird thoughts about us, but the "break" officially started yesterday. He told me that although he still cares about me and doesn't want to break up completely, he wasn't ready for a commitment and that he felt like our relationship was moving too fast and he was feeling weird and it wasn't how it used to be, so he wanted to take some time to figure himself out. I want this to work so I accepted and decided to go on this break with him. He said to give him a week into school and we'll see what happens next when that time comes.

We haven't been talking much during this time and that worries me. I miss him (this was his idea, not mine.) and I would like to make sure he's making progress with this but I can't if we're not talking. I'm giving him the space and time he asked for so I'm not messaging him first. Prior to Saturday though, we had only been texting but we hadn't seen each other in person for a while when usually we'd see each other almost every day. The fact that this started in a period that we'd only been texting and now we're not talking at all scares me. It makes me feel like it's only making things worse. He hasn't even been liking any of my posts on Instagram but I know he's on and posting and stuff (I know it sounds really petty but little things have always sparked my mind.) School for us starts on this Monday and we have a few classes AND the same bus stop so I know we're bound to talk soon but we're not at that time yet. It scares me because I don't know where he's at with this and if he's progressing or not. He says he wants it to work but he's not making any effort with me if that makes sense, but I know he also wanted some "space" and "time". We don't have to talk all day but I just want a little check in...

I'm trying to use this time to prepare myself for if he chose not to continue with the relationship but it's hard when I keep going back to thinking about those things that he told me because I do still want to have hope that he'll want to continue and I do too but I want to try to get over him at least a little because if we're not talking how am I gonna know which I should do?

I think that's about most of it... if there's any further information needed or wanted I'd be glad to give it out. But I just need help and advice. What if I lose all my hope but then he does want to continue? What if I keep all my hope but then he wants to break it off? What should I do if he does choose to break it off? How can I keep my mind off things? Is it possible to try to get over someone but still keep feelings around at the same time? If so, how? How could I let him know I'd like to talk with him without bothering his time? Could this break actually help us if he does choose to continue? How can I stop little things from triggering me into thinking negatively like with the Instagram post? I have so many questions but these are all I can think of right now You don't have to answer them all but I just need as much specific advice and help I can get right now. Like I said this is my first time going through this and I'm not sure what to do.

Thanks for all your help with this situation! xoxo (: ~ ax

[Heather]

This is a lot, so I'm going to just go at this in bits at a time while I think more about it as a bigger picture, and think the best start is for me to lead with a first thought and impression, with something that stood out to me most.

That's this section:

I want this to work so I accepted and decided to go on this break with him. He said to give him a week into school and we'll see what happens next when that time comes.

We haven't been talking much during this time and that worries me. I miss him (this was his idea, not mine.) and I would like to make sure he's making progress with this but I can't if we're not talking

It's clear this isn't what you wanted, and that it is also scaring you a lot and making you feel very insecure. I'm sorry about that. In my life, I've been on the side of this as the person wanting and asking for the break, as well as the other side, the one you're on now, several times each. So, I know how it can feel both ways, and I have experienced some of the feelings you are now.

There are a few things I want to toss out to you to chew on:
1) Wanting a break and taking one isn't actually someone not wanting to work with you in the relationship or not caring about the relationship. What it usually is, in fact, is a combination of BOTH caring about the relationship -- enough to take time to evaluate things rather than just breaking up when it's not feeling right without thought -- and self-care, as well. If we want to have healthy relationships, everyone in them has to be caring as much for themselves as the other person, and has to take time to keep evaluating, as a constant, if the relationship is the right thing, if things need tweaking to make it as good as it can be, etc. Which leads me to this:

2) He's taking good care of himself right now. I don't see anything from you that suggests you are doing the same for yourself. In fact, it sounds like during this break, your sole focus is on the break, him, what he's doing during the break, what might happen to you -- all with really, really bad, intense outcomes, like you losing all hope. You aren't, in fact, taking the break your agreed to at all. Instead, HE is taking a break, and you are doing, from the looks of things, everything you can to keep being in the relationship and his life by following everything he's doing you can see, thinking about all this, and even saying you need to know he's making progress, which is kind of about also trying to control the situation.

Now: you know you're having real trouble in this respect, you said so. It also sounds like part of the impetus for him to want this break may have been about similar dynamics: about you not really leaving him time or room for himself and his life separate from you, and perhaps -- and I'd guess this is probably true just reading you here -- yourself being the biggest part of things moving so fast.

And of course, someone being super-scared and super-attached not only is usually a big part of that, it also makes it much harder, when you're feeling that way, to act and think in emotionally healthy ways, and even see or learn HOW to take care of yourself, and have a level of healthy, and essential, separation between yourself and the other person/relationship.

If we're going to have intimacy that's healthy, we also have to have equal parts separation. During this break specifically, respectfully, you aren't entitled to a progress report from him unless that's something you two negotiated and both agreed to before the break. With this break, it sounds like one big thing he was asking for from you, and seeking with it, was NOT having you in his process to evaluate it for yourself. So, no you can't know: that's the point. He wanted real space for you, and that means you not knowing.

So, I guess I'd start here: What's the rest of your life like? Before you were dating this guy, how did you spend your time? What did you fill your day with? What were the other relationships that got your time and attention: do you have a best friend, for instance, or a circle of friends? What were your general emotional self-care practices for yourself?

When you did get in a bad headspace with something else, what have you done that works to get you out of it?

What things or people did you care about MOST in life before you started dating him? What were your biggest dreams and passions? These are the kind of things that can usually lead someone to the answers about what to do in a situation like this so you're not feeling and reacting to it the way that you are.

[ax]

Thank you so much for that. It'll take a while for that to stick in my brain but I'll keep reading over it. It did make me feel better a little, getting to know about what the break is on his part and I can understand that he doesn't want to have any communication but that's hard for me because as you can tell, I didn't want this, but I'm okay with that if it's what he needs. I haven't texted him or anything at all. And we never really discussed guidelines of the break, just the time it'll end and why he wanted it.
We've been dating through all summer and before I was at school, and that occupied most of my time so I'm not really sure what to do now. But school is coming up really soon so I hope that'll help.
I really want this to work out in the end. It's just that I don't know if he's progressing with it or not and I know I dont HAVE to know but I'm just not sure what direction I should go with this. I don't know if I should be keeping my hope or losing it.
I want to use this time for myself too but I just can't take my mind off worrying about how he's doing. I'm a very worryful person and little things can spark me, you know. I think too much, that's my problem. I'm trying not to think but there's always some little thing that would remind me of him. He did tell me that I should find a hobby since I dont really do much... Which I should do. But yeah... I understand what you're saying and it did kind of clear my mind on things.