*trigger warning* I need help

[ClaimTheKiller]

Hi, so I have a very serious commentary. For those sensitive to sexual assault, I would like to tell you this is sensitive.

So I have a a problem. I have no idea if I was molested or not. I have almost no clear memories before 3rd grade. That might be normal for most people, but it kind of adds up if I also include the fact that I never find anything wrong with myself getting raped or assaulted by someone I don't or do know. Whenever I have sex with my partner, I might get uncomfortable or scared but I don't think saying no will do anything or it will make them mad. I know my partner wouldn't do anything to hurt me and always stops when I say to, but it still scares me. I have no idea if I have or haven't been and it might just be paranoia. I've had friends who've been molested and they tell me it's possible, I follow similar patters as them, but again I don't know. I also tend to be untrustworthy of the opposite sex, and it's hard for me to gain a healthy relationship with them. If anyone can help me and give me more info, that'd be great. ^_^ thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi claimthekiller,

I'm sorry to hear you've been having to deal with those thoughts and worries. They sound really rough and scary. Have you ever had the chance to talk to a counselor about these feelings and thoughts?

I want you to know that you have every right to tell a partner to stop is something is making you uncomfortable or scared, and it sounds like your current partner respects that (and if they ever don't respect that it's a sign that they're a terrible partner). Your body and space are yours and yours alone, no matter what. Have you ever talked to your partner about your fears around saying no? If so, how did that conversation go? And do you have similar feelings about asserting your boundaries in non-sexual situations?

When you say you don't find anything wrong someone assaulting you, do you mean when you think about it it doesn't bother you, or something else?

[ClaimTheKiller]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for responding. No I haven't to my counsellor. I've thought that if I told them I'd be ruled as over reactive or they'd take it too seriously.

And yes, I've had extensive conversations about my sexual fears and he's told me that I can always say no, and that I shouldn't ever feel like I can't say anything. I'm a very anxious and submissive person, but I'm always willing to voice my opinion, even if it isn't totally acceptable.

And what I mean by that, I feel like if someone had sexually assaulted me then I would be okay with it. I wouldn't fight or anything, I feel like people have the right to touch me and hurt me. It's not healthy, I definitely know that, but I don't know where it stems from.

[Mo]

Since you do have a counselor, this is something I think could be really helpful to bring up. In general, a good counselor or therapist will take anything you say seriously (as in: they will believe you and believe that it is important because you chose to talk about it) and won't jump to accusations of overreacting! I do agree that having the idea that it's ok for other people to hurt you isn't healthy so I do encourage you to bring it up. If you don't feel comfortable talking about the sexual component straight away, you can just talk about harm in general and see where the conversation goes.