Sex problems

[Diana95]

Hi,
I'm 21 years old and I've a problem with my boyfriend.
He told me he is not completely satisfied by our sex life because, although we've been together for over a year, I still can't feel free when we're doing it, I rarely stop thinking about what I am doing and I just enjoy it.
Furthermore we like making love at a different speed... I like it "fast and furious" while he prefers to start slowly. The point is that I can't feel very much when we go slow, so he notices that and he goes faster but in this way he never really enjoys it.
He is also pretty exhibitionist while I'm much more shy or probably I'm just repressed, because when I am sure that none I know can see me or hear me I am able to do things I'd never do.
We love each other so much but I'm afraid that it won't be enough.

I'd like some help to make it work!

[Mo]

Hi there Diana95, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Do you have a sense of what you're feeling when you have a hard time getting out of your head/overthinking during sex and just enjoying things? Are you feeling excited about what's happening? Nervous about some aspect of sex, or of your relationship? If you feel like you're really having a tough time being in the moment and enjoying sex, it might be helpful to pull back a bit and take a break from sex while you sort these feelings out. If you're feeling stressed (or worried about maybe feeling stressed, which just adds another meta-layer onto things) it makes it less likely for sex to be really amazing for either of you.

I do want to make sure to say that being shyer about sex, or not feeling like much of an exhibitionist, doesn't have a direct relation to being repressed - different people feel differently about sex, and have different things they do or don't feel comfortable with. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or how you feel about these things, just that you and your partner have some differences. This also applies to the mechanics of how you each like to have sex; it's not unusual to have different preferences and it's pretty common for people to have to spend some time communicating and experimenting to find out what works out best for both of them.

[Diana95]

Hi,
Thank you for the answer.
Well it depends on the situations, sometimes I feel under pression especially when he asks me to do something new... It's like I have performance anxiety and I get stuck. Furthermore he'd like me to share my sexual fantasies with him, but I don't have any! I don't know if it's because I've had just two boyfriends, or because I live in a place where talking about sex isn't easy... I started touching myself few time ago, just because my boyfriend convinced me, and I do very rarely anyway.

Another situation in which I don't feel comfortable is when we sleep together in a house with other people. For example we went on vacation with other friends and we rent a house... Now we had our room of course, and I was sure that nobody would have come in, but I couldn't relax completely! I came only once or maybe twice... The real big problem is that I squirt, so I make noise when I come and I don't want that other people may hear me.

I'd really like to enjoy sex in any situation but it seems to be a distant goal.

[Sam W]

Hi Diana,

Have you talked with him about where some of this stress is coming from? If you're feeling anxious or pressured to perform, than can definitely suck the joy out of sex. Do you feel comfortable telling him "no" when the thought of a certain activity makes you stressed? For instance, if having sex in a shared house freaks you out, then it's not something you have to do. You get to say it makes you uncomfortable and not do it.