I started seeing a guy at my school who came out. I'm considering it, but I'm not sure I'm ready and need advice

[montheline]

I've been seeing this guy from my school for a several months. We started out as friends, and I had known him for about a month and a half when came out to his girlfriend as he was breaking up with her. I told me the next time I saw him, a day or two later. I reassured him that whether he's straight or gay makes no difference to me as far as our friendship.

I decided I was straight when I was 11. When I was 13 I realized that the occasional attraction I felt towards certain guys was no fluke, and from that point regarded myself as bisexual. However, because I was attracted to more women than men, and I was also attracted to women romantically and sexually but to men only sexually. I decided I'd just tell future partners and potential partners as the need arose.

I was concerned for him after his breakup and tried to be a supportive friend by listening and giving advice to him if he needed it, and we started seeing each other more often, perhaps 2-4 times a week instead of once a week. We'd go for walks along the lake in the park next to our school, and really opened up to each other. One day during a walk in the park in early June I told him I thought he was really cute, and since there was nobody around he just came right up to me and we started making out, and we had sex later that day when we got back to his house. It was incredibly hot, and got even better as we started having it on a regular basis. It's been really great for both of us!

He's such a sweetheart, and it makes me so happy to see him glowing radiantly now, after seeing how dejected and defeated he looked a few times in the spring as he went through some really tough stuff. And as the summer drew to a close, we both knew immediately we wanted to continue seeing one another into in the Fall. We've become too close, and I love him dearly as a friend. I warned him though, that I worried I wouldn't be able to give him as much back as he gives me, because I'm drawn to men only sexually, and as friends, but not as romantic life partners.

We started to discuss where we''ll go from here, But I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt my closest friend, and I love him dearly as a friend. I'm just really worried now .

I wonder if I'm throwing up a barrier because of his needs for a reciprocal love, or because of my own self-consciousness. I Because I did feel like we were romantic partners this summer. So incredibly close. The tenderness with which we treated each other, too. I haven't dated any women yet, and he and I have been seeing each other for months now. I was a friend who wanted to be there for him when he needed it, and I decided to share a part of myself with him I usually keep to myself.

I'm inclined to come out to increase Bi visibility, there are far too few male bisexuals who are closer to the heterosexual side than to the homosexual side of the Kinsey scale.

The only negative I see is that this case would be presented as an example of more bisexuals existing on the homosexual side of the spectrum than on the heterosexual side.

[Sam W]

Hi montheline and welcome to Scarleteen,

Let's start out with your feelings for your friend and what that means for your relationship going forward. It sounds like the two of you are already communicating about some expectations as to the shape of this relationship. Has the fact that you (may) want, and be able to provide, different things been discussed in detail? Is he comfortable with this being a close friends with benefits situation? Are you?

By the by, the worry you have about somehow ruining this friendship is pretty common for people who develop feelings, sexual or romantic, for a friend. And there's no guarantee that, down the road, this could result in you two growing apart. However, there are plenty of people who move from friends to partners and back to friends, even if there are some bumps in that process.

Can you tell me how you think romantic love might look and feel different from platonic love? You mention feeling as though you two were romantic this summer (and I must say your description matches that). Would it be safe to say some part of you is leaning in the romantic direction?

As for coming out and how that would reflect on assumptions and patterns about Bi folks, I'd suggest making that the last focus you have right now. It's not your responsibility to shift the balance of examples of Bi people. You feel the way you do, and there's nothing wrong with that, even if it matches with a common belief about Bi men.

[montheline]

Thanks for the quick reply, Sam!

He and I have been talking quite a bit. We're both still shocked our relationship developed so unexpectedly out of nowhere. When we started as platonic friends in the spring, neither of us had the slightest clue we'd ever have sexual or romantic feelings for one another. Everything happened so quickly, and we soon got so much more than what we both bargained for.

We want to continue seeing each other, but we both thought it would be a mistake to force things. We decided to give each other some individual downtime for recuperation and reflection.

What transpired between us was nothing short of magical, and we have both affirmed that to each other. We want its beauty to stand as a unique accomplishment, regardless of whether we go our separate ways.. And we will always remain special regardless of what happens And yes, both of us developed the similar feeling of romantic love towards one another. Even if our paths never crossed again, I believe we''ll always be special to one another. As will the magical summer we spent on this island.

We've both expressed far more emotion than we would if we were just two friends headed separate ways. We've promised each other we'll continue seeing each other regularly, once every other week at the bare minimum. But because everything happened so quickly, we decided not to force things. Saying goodbye we were both teary-eyed.

Neither of us mentioned the quote explicitly, but Iknow he had similar thoughts on his mind:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."
--Richard Bach

[Onionpie]

Hey montheline. It sounds like you guys have been communicating really clearly and honestly about your wants and needs and where you are at around this relationship, which is so awesome and admirable! I'm glad to hear you're both on the same page with everything as well. Seems like the situation has gone really well, thanks to your excellent communication skills

[montheline]

Thanks Onionpie! I haven't really dealt with the whole coming out issue though. I'm undecided about what I'll tell any girl I date. If I tell her the whole story upfront she'd probably conclude I'm gay, and probably tell her friends. Should I just say that I've had one other sexual partner and let her assume it was a girl? If I did that I'd only reveal the full story if things got more serious and I decided for sure I wanted a relationship with her. I don't want people making incorrect judgments about me based on a label without even knowing who I am.

[Sam W]

Hi montheline,

That's certainly a question that plenty of people grapple with. One thing to consider is that you could shift how you tell the story depending on what else you know about the person you're telling it to. For instance, maybe a future girl friend is someone you know is very LGBT friendly/savvy and you tell her the whole story right away. But for another girl, maybe you're not so sure about where she stands and start out with a bare minimum (you've been sexually active, you've dated someone before) until you get a better sense of how they'll react.

Too, the more matter of factly you state what happened, the better your chances of the other person not taking the wrong thing away (outcome not guaranteed of course). You can present this relationship as just another part of your history, albeit a very important for you. What they make of it is ultimately up to them, and it doesn't change the trith of what happened. Not to mention, if you tell a girl that you, a bi guy, dated another guy and she takes that to mean you're gay, she might not be a great match for you.

We've also got some articles on coming out on the main website. Are those something you'd like to take a look at?