is it sexual assault?

[blueish]

Hello, I've been wanting to write here for a while but didn't have the courage to do it until now.

I'm going to start by saying my sex life is always been a bit weird. I always felt like it wasnt a big deal and my first time was with a guy I really like and I really appreaciate even now (and it's been around 4 or 5 years). Later on I grew up a bit more and started to have some one night stands that really never got me. I felt like I needed to know what relationships and sex were all about. Some months ago I had a very casual relationship with a guyfriend and it was quite fun. I wrote about it here in another discussion board because I can't never seem to reach climax and even though I can really like my partner I still can't.

So, that ended a few months ago as I traveled this spring-summer. But during this trip something happened. I went out to have a drink by myself and ended up tipsy at a bar, some guy came up to my table and asked me to go out before I left. I said why not now? he seemed like a good guy. We left with another friend of his and on our way to what I thought was another bar but was actually his place, they decided I was going to sleep with both of them. I didn't say no. I didn't find it bad or anything I was actually kind of curious about the experience but I must say it didn't really went as I was picturing it. I remember feeling awkward. They were both agressive but I didn't stop them. I feel a lot of remorse about it now. My body was hurting very bad the next day, also I noticed during intercourse with one of them that he pulled off the condom. I been trying to erase the memory from my head, it's not that I think about it all the time but it comes up sometimes and I feel stupid for not doing anything.

During this trip, I met a guy and we fell completely in love. Now we have a long distance relationship and I feel really bad sometimes cause I feel like I have been a complete idiot with myself all this time. I hadn't met someone who treated me with so much love, care and respect before. We trust each other everything but I don't want to tell him this. I know I don't have to, but I just finished watching Big Little Lies and the whole story blew my mind. Since then I can't stop having this recurring thought about my stupidness and my sexuality. I don't know if I was abused cause I was allowing it to happen and I didn't say anything. I know there are different types of abuse. I honestly can't stop blaming myself for losing time with awful sexual relationships in the past and I knew I did those things cause I felt lonely and not worth of real care and love. I also know my girl friends in the past have been a very bad influence as this is a behaviour I picked from them, but the blame is all on me.

I feel like I won't be able to have a nice relationship with my boyfriend right now because I've been irresponsible in the past. I don't know what to do. I am getting an STD test these days cause we are meeting in 3 months and I want to be sure there is nothing wrong with me. I'm worried about having this memory in my head stucked forever and not ejoying my sexlife with my boyfriend. I feel worried and tormented by my thoughts and my stupidity. I have no idea how to handle this. Please help me.

And once again, thank you for opening such a beautiful supportive community.

[Heather]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you talk about your "stupidness." I don't see you being stupid in anything you have said here.

Instead, I see you talking about a history -- here and in other posts you've made before -- you often enjoyed that included casual sex: nothing wrong or stupid about that. Then I see what looks an awful lot like someone who took advantage of your drinking and being alone, and you being pretty thrown by that. I see what sounds like a sexual opportunity in that that seemed to you like something you wanted, for as much as you could consent based on drinking, but then the dynamics being such that you didn't feel able to ask for what you wanted. That's not stupidness, either.

I also don't see how any of this was wasting time because you are in something else you like now. You not having the consensual, wanted encounters you did would not have brought you to this relationship any faster, after all. And as is the case with so much of our life experiences, without those you wouldn't be the same person coming into this.

(I don't know what this has to do with Big Little Lies, but just a reminder that that's a drama based on a fictional novel. I don't see you describing any violent rape or domestic abuse in here, but perhaps I'm missing something?)

Anyone who has had previous partners has had STI risks, whether they have had casual sex or sex in committed relationships. So, ideally, you AND this guy would be getting regular STI testing around once a year and practicing safer sex together no matter what. That's not about the kind of history you had, that's about anyone having ANY sexual history.

That all said, what memory stuck in your head is getting in the way of your sexual life now? What aboutu it feels like a barrier to having a good relationship?

[Heather]

Just to be clear, removing a condom without your permission IS an abuse. For more information on that: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pregn ... oercion_an

[Jacob]

Hi blueish, thank you for the kind words about our 'beautiful supportive community'... it means a lot!

My answer covers much of the same ground as Heathers, but a slightly different angle, I don't know if it might resonate too:

The experience you had with those two guys sounds really awful and I really don't think you have any reason to feel guilty or stupid. All you did was go out to have some fun and you have a right to do that without being hurt. But when we are hurt, it's so so difficult not to feel shame or self blame.

Everything negative you describe, are their actions, and their responsibility. They misled you about where they were going with you, knowing you weren't sober, you felt they 'decided' you would be having sex with both of them, took off a condom without any discussion about it, and failed to check in with you about whether you wanted what was happening to happen, or to continue happening. It shows a level of disregard for you and I'm so sorry that they behaved as they did. And it was their behaviour that made this a bad experience, and caused you to feel what you've been feeling, which makes total sense.

Part of dealing with negative experiences can be a process of moving through self-blame, it doesn't have to last forever, or 'torment' you, but how that is experienced will vary for each individual person. From what you've written here, you seem really compassionate and aware of when you need to seek support, and that is so helpful. Applying as much of that compassion to yourself as possible will be a really good move. You're not obligated to tell your boyfriend anything either, unless you feel ready.

I would also say from what you've said here, you have explored your sexuality in a really healthy way. Exploring what you were interested in and learning what you like and don't like.

You're not stupid, and you actually sound pretty awesome. What happened doesn't change that.

[blueish]

Hello again. Thank you Heather and Jacob. Your responses are very helpful and caring for my post.
To be honest, I read your responses but I was trying to push myself away from the subject. I thought about it a lot, I know I wrote it in a crisis state because I was getting sick and having some other personal issues which made me feel insecure, absurd and stupid.

In the last months since I came here to write about my situation I gave it a lot of thought and there was a situation which triggered me and I realized I have to get a bit more into it. Also, excuse me as I think this is a long post.

As soon as I started feeling better those days when I wrote my post, I pushed away the thought and focused on other things happening. For example, my boyfriend's visit after 5 months. I really cant put into words how wonderful our relationship is and where is going. We both had to talk a bit about our sex life because, previously we did have sex when we met but I think we were both a bit troubled then. Today is different. Today I can say that after a few casual sex relationships, I understand much more about myself, my body and sex. It does feel different when there is a strong connection with a partner, I cannot say is anything else than love. Putting heart and care into your actions, no matter what it is. Sex today feels different and is special because I share it with my boyfriend. But I still have a bit of guilt around that situation from my trip.

I have maybe mentioned this 2guy situation with 2 friends since then but never went into details because I feel uncomfortable telling them my real experience and fear, my guilt and details on my intimacy, I have mentioned it was traumatizing though.
Once, I read a very interesting article where the relation between the women roles in porn go around the pleasure of men and how porn culture and society have allowed to make a lot of people think that sex is something that is and goes certain way and we accept these behaviors and attitudes towards us, women. I don't like porn because of this, it shows aggressive actions and thoughts on young girls as a sex toys or materials. But again, the sex we see on non porn tv shows, movies, etc. isn't realistic either. I never ever suffered any abuse while growing up. If I felt this way it was because of my own behavior and I know it. I used to hang out with a lot of people that had this attitudes and I figured it was the way it worked.

Heather, I never suffered any abuse ever before. I could say the 2 guy situation was the first, but I also know I allowed people in the past treat me the way they wanted because I didnt feel worth or enough. I realize more everyday how careful I have to be with myself and have to take care of situations like the one in my trip to never happen again, ever. This is why Big Little Lies was a big thing to deal when I saw it, I think I felt related in a way because as a young woman you never expect to be in a situation were its all fun and then it becomes such a shock that you are not able to say anything or stop it. Sometimes we make mistakes and end up in a bad situation.

So, my boyfriend came to visit me. We had the time of our lives, I couldn't be happier and comfortable as I am now. I dont feel insecure about lots of stuff anymore, my body for example. I have learnt to love it and my boyfriend loves me the way I am, as I do for him. We wouldnt change anything on either of us in any way. We both understand each other perfectly because we are very sensitive, very kind and caring.
The first few days when we tried sex, it was a bit weird but I knew it was something new, everything about it. Having my boyfriend at home, meeting my family, spending time after months, getting serious and intimate. He also has his issues, we never got into details but he told me he felt ashamed of sex for really long time and it was hard for him to get into terms with it (I also know his previous relationship was with a girl who is bipolar so Im thinking this is related and he's still dealing with it) and myself too, have some issues for this abusive situation I came here for. We obviously dealt with it, we talked about it, for us not to feel frustrated, not feeling weird, but sharing sex as we are starting to share stuff day by day. Its wonderful, really we understand each other too well to be true.. so we enjoyed it, had fun and reached communication in a new way.
BUT, during his stay something happened and I had no idea how to deal with it. One day we were having fun just fooling around and we both smoked pot. At some point this made us really hot and started kissing, I could feel his erection and we both started to get into it, but I guess the pot effect made him like, really hard. We were both really into it and started having sex, we both like to play a little and we have our dynamics. But this time, even though I was really enjoying the feeling I felt very uncomfortable because he got into this role where he asked "if i liked him to f*ck me". This has never bothered me, as its how sometimes we, a lot of people too, refer to sex. It's fine. But the role playing completely triggered me and took me back to the 2 guy situation during my trip. I asked him to stop and ended up crying, he wasnt sure of what was happening and I didnt give any explanation, then I felt deeply saddened by the fact he was going to leave soon and the feeling of having to deal with being alone each in their country was too hard.

After this, I went through a hole day wondering if all of us have this idea of sex as shown in porn. Even if very deep inside us. I couldnt get my mind out of the past memory and thought a lot about asking him to never say that again, cause it triggered me to my past. I still dont feel comfortable talking about it. But I also know this was just a one time thing because we were high and still trying roles and games while having sex. I know also, this is not his attitude towards me and sex. I didnt say anything at the moment because it was not an attitude. Its a line that came up to his head, and even before the 2 guy situation, Ive said it, someone said it to me and it never bothered me. but after it, it shook me. Its not his fault, I know this is completely into me and I dont want to involve him. We have talked about other stuff and I know him enough to know it. I think we both have been in situations we didnt like, we are dealing and healing together.
I just felt like what happened before with the 2 guys is something that is still bothering me and I wish it never happened and I never have to think about it again, how to avoid this thought? I don't know. I dont know how to talk about it, even with my friends or if I should actually seek for other type of help. Also, this is something I still dont want to talk about with my boyfriend. He knows about my feelings on past situations were I felt used and people took advantage of me and I feel thats more than enough. He is very supportive but still, this is something mine and I know he would feel a lot for me and dont want him to.

Again, I am deeply thankful for all the work and advice you give here.

[Jacob]

Hi blueish, Welcome back!

It is good to hear you having some positive feelings around having had casual sexual partners. It also sounds like there's lots about the relationship with your boyfriend that feels good... and I do want to be careful here to say that lots of the rewarding sex we have can happen within and outside of relationships. And the same principals apply.

It sounds like the situation with your boyfriend could have gone better if he had talked to you more about whether you would enjoy initiating a roleplay (or just switching up the language to be more aggressive). Ideally when we try new things a bit of discussion before hand is really important to make sure everyone is comfortable and happy. It would have avoided the situation you guys later found yourselves in. Perhaps this would be a useful thing to talk to him about?

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Regarding bad feels and unpleasant memories? They can be hard to shake, but mostly it takes time, and making space for positive feelings. If you find you are ruminating on it, there can sometimes be a self-critical angle that keeps us going back. If you find that's the case, then being kind to yourself is the way to go. Let yourself off the hook if you are self-critical for still having feelings about it. These things go at their own pace and it sounds like you are doing ok!