Is it wrong to be upset

[Alystr9795]

Is it wrong to be upset that my husband(we're young, I'm 19, we just got married in February) is watching porn? It makes me feel like I'm not enough. I don't know what to think right now. I feel betrayed and hurt and want to cry, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being petty and it's a dumb thing to be upset about. I can't sleep and I feel like a complete idiot for being upset.. I just don't know... I have huge troubles with self esteem, and I'm sure that's where part of this stems from. We have a healthy sex life too, which is why I though everything was fine and I was good enough, but maybe not.. I try my hardest to be everything he wants but I feel I'm falling short... I hate how this is making me feel. I'm not even sure what kind of answer I'm hoping for, I'm just trying to let it all out and figure out what I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like a horrible person for making him stop, but at the same time it gets harder to look at myself in the mirror and feel good enough when I see the girls he watches..

[Sam W]

Hi Alystr,

The feelings you're expressing are not uncommon responses from people who find out their partner watches porn. The thing is, consuming porn (be that written or visual) does not mean that someone is unsatisfied with their partner, just like someone masturbating doesn't mean they're unsatisfied with the amount of sex they and a partner are having. Sometimes you're aroused and your partner isn't around, or maybe you're looking for a little novelty in your fantasies. You can have a happy, healthy sex life and still use porn. It doesn't mean you don't desire your partner. Does that make sense?

All that being said, you mention putting a lot of effort into your sex life to try and match up to porn.Do you feel like your husband puts in an equal amount of effort? And does he know how you feel about this?

You mention him consuming porn seems to be bouncing off your self-esteem issues. Can you tell me a little more about that.

[Alystr9795]

I feel like he does put effort into it, he's usually the one to engage first. I believe that he finds me beautiful, and I believe that he loves me. And I told him last night and he apologized for doing it without telling me and said he won't do it if it upsets me. I appreciate his response, but the fact he had to watch it in the first place just really makes me feel like I'm not pretty enough or daring enough that he needs these other outlets other than me. I'm always willing to have sex, but I don't enjoy oral sex, and that's one of the things he loves, and I feel like I'm depriving him and that's why he needs this other outlet. But at the same time, I get no enjoyment out of it and it seems like a chore to do it for him. It shouldn't but it does. I know someone can enjoy porn and still feel fulfilled in a relationship, but when he's watching it, I feel like I can never compare and he's going to get this idea of a girl who can do everything and I know I can't, I'm afraid I won't be enough.

[Sam W]

Just to clarify, does he watch it while you're around, or is it something that happens when you're gone?

With oral sex, it's okay that you don't enjoy it and that you don't want to do it. You get to have that boundary, and nobody owes their sexual partner anything,even if it's something that partner tends to enjoy. In fact, that's a place where porn and fantasy can be helpful. If someone really enjoys a particular sexual thing, but knows their partner doesn't, they can use porn and fantasy to get their fix of their activity. Too, most people, even people who love and desire their partner, sometimes find themselves attracted to other people or longing for the novelty that a new partner brings (that doesn't mean that their current partner isn't enough for them, it means human brains often like things that are new). Porn and fantasy help them do that in a safe, controlled way. Does that make sense?

One thing to keep in mind with porn is that, while it presents the image of a girl who's up for anything (and who somehow never looks awkward or disheveled while having sex) it's just that: an image. Porn performers get paid to do these things, so some people may do things they wouldn't seek out in their own, non-porn life. From talking with your boyfriend, do you get the sense he understands this? Or has he said or done things that make you think he expects people in the non-porn world to act like porn performers?

[Heather]

...the fact he had to watch it in the first place just really makes me feel like I'm not pretty enough or daring enough that he needs these other outlets other than me. I'm always willing to have sex, but I don't enjoy oral sex, and that's one of the things he loves, and I feel like I'm depriving him and that's why he needs this other outlet.

I just want to pipe in here and say a few things about this passage.

The idea that any one person is supposed to -- or even can -- take care of all of another person's sexuality is not just problematic, but false. Again, a good example is masturbation. Most people don't stop masturbating once they have a sexual partner, even a sexual partners they could not be more satisfied with or excited about. A lot of the why for that is because we all have our own sexuality that isn't even about partners, but only about ourselves. Our sexual imaginations, too, are often simply larger than any one individual could encompass.

This isn't about anyone not being pretty enough, daring enough, sexy enough or enough of anything. Because again, no one is likely to ever be enough because sexuality is simply way bigger than any one human being.

But there's something else important here: setting yourself up to be always willing to engage in sex even when you don't want to isn't sexually healthy or good for relationships. It also is REALLY bad for a person's self-esteem, as is trying to BE any one person's sexual everything. That sets you up to be less about yourself than about what you are to someone else. It also sets you up as a service, basically, not a human being. Again, all stuff counter to healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem requires we don't see our own value as just how others value us or see us, and that we see ourselves as whole people, not just, for example, someone's sexual needs-supplier. Can you follow me with all that?

Mind, that doesn't mean you have to feel okay about a partner using porn or be with a partner who does. We all get to choose who we're with and have what fair criteria for that we want, and just like it's okay for a vegan, for example, to choose not to date (or marry, etc.) someone who eats meat, it's okay for someone who doesn't use porn and has strong objections to it to choose not to date (or marry) someone who doesn't feel the same way they do about it.

Of course, since it sounds like this wasn't something you talked about before marriage, or while dating, you are obviously in a spot now where you are already with someone who does use it, which is obviously a lot more complicated. If you want to talk about what choices you have right now, we can certainly do that with you.