I'm just upset because I'm not sure

[coffeebeans]

I am not sure if im bisexual or if I'm faking it for attention. I never (or barely just one) had crushes before and I tense up at the mention of sex and most things sexual . It just makes me uncomfortable.I feel out of place because I never related to fawning over boys like other people make it seem Do i recognised when someone pretty? I guess but I was never interested in any of that . I zone out alot in my own world when I'm doing most things.

But I get jealous when I see women kissing in art , in the media I read,movies. the couple in real life and I dont know why anymore. I feel embarassed and ashamed because I think about being with women sometimes but it mostly reduces to cuddles kissing and maybe having a family with me and her and like one kid . Then suddenly most of the time I started having sexual thoughts with women. But then everything just switches because I think about being in relationship with men as well just dont want to have sex. My thoughts on who I want to be in a relationship with changes depending on the day month year.

I feel like uncomfortable at the mention of sex when it comes to men or just when someone mention it.

I never had a crush on a girl before and I cry because what if I dont actually feel this way for women and it because of trauma and I never supposed to have a relationship with a girl. What if I don't feel a connection if I do go and date a woman. I would be so disappointed and I dont know why. I read romance book and watch movies but even though I enjoy them alot I can't relate or I just get upset to finish anything. I want to feel the same rush but I get a voice in the back of my head saying I'm faking it. I wanted to call myself bi , but then stopped because I wanted to know for sure , then I wanted to be unlabled but I can't stop calling myself bi.

I wish I could get overmyself because I dont know what to do. I want to tell my mom about figuring out my sexuality but I feel like it would make me feel worse than anything. It had a time where she ask me randomly about my sexuality and I just said im straight to avoid trouble but she said I dont even know.

Sorry if this was to long

[Latha]

Hi there, Coffeebean--welcome to the boards! No worries, your post was not too long.

I'm hearing that you noticed some signs that you are attracted to women (feeling jealousy and longing when you see depictions of relationships between women, imaging having a family with a woman, thinking sexual thoughts about them) and men (imagining being in a relationship with a man). But, you're upset and frustrated because it feels like you can't justify calling yourself bisexual at this point. Thank you or reaching out to us. We can definitely talk about what you might do about these feelings.

Let me assure you: you don't need to have had crushes or feel comfortable with sex to know that you are bisexual. You don't need to like men and women in the same way or amount at the same time. You just have to notice that you have the capacity to be interested in relationships with men and women, or with people of more than one gender. And it seems like you have.

Really, you don't even need to be totally sure to adopt a word of identity. That is a high bar to meet when people are so complicated--we often learn most about ourselves and what we want by trying things out. Based on what you know now, if understanding yourself as bisexual feels good or right, if it feels like something you want, you can do it. You can always change how you identify if you learn different information about your self, but what you feel now matters. You would not be hurting anyone by calling yourself bisexual.

I'm curious about your concern about faking being bisexual for attention. What does it mean to fake a sexuality for attention, in your opinion? What attention would you get? And why do you think you might be doing such a thing?

What if I don't feel a connection if I do go and date a woman. I would be so disappointed and I dont know why.

Would it help to hear that being attracted to women does not mean you should feel a connection to every woman you meet? Not feeling a connection with a woman you date would not mean that you are wrong about your sexuality. There are so many different women in the world, and so much diversity in who they are are people. Gender can be a part of your understanding of who you would be compatible with in a relationship, but I'm sure you have preferences beyond that.

Along similar lines, do you think you should you be able to become very close friends with every woman you meet? Have you ever met a peer that you didn't have much of a connection with? I think it would be a lot to expect yourself to be intimate friends with everyone--it is the same with romantic relationships.

There are really so many ways to be bisexual. I want to offer you a few resources of ours, which get into what it means to be bisexual, and discuss some of the ways bisexual people can understand their sexuality. Would you look over them, and tell us what you think?:

• If I only want to have sex with women, but not date them, am I bisexual?

• From Erasure to Ownership: A Bisexuality Journey

• Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz