Friendship struggles

[waywarddaughter]

So recently, I met this guy and he and one of my friends hooked up (making out and fingering) but then some stuff happened and they were no longer talking. This guy and I then started talking a bit more and we made out in the back if my car. I kept this from my friend because she was already pissed that I was talking to this guy. Then they talked it out and began to be friends again. I recently lost my virginity to this guy and wasn't planning on telling my friend because of her previous reaction. But I learned that he told her just two days before we had sex, that he told my friend that he had feelings for her and wanted to date. I wouldn't have had sex if I had known this fact. My friend ended up finding out and is not happy with me or this guy (even though I didn't know about the whole feelings thing).Also I was talking to a different friend and turns out the day before this guy and I had sex, he hooked up with a different friend (who is ok with the fact we had sex). How do I not let this guy get in the way of my friendship? HELP

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, waywarddaughter. I'm sorry this is what brought you here, but I hope we can help you through this.

This sounds pretty awful, and I'm so sorry you wound up in a tangle like this. I'm also really sorry that one of your first times ended up being with someone who...well, doesn't sound so great, and sounds like he's inserting himself between you and some friends in a way that's really thoughtless when it comes to those friendships.

First things first: you're only responsible for making choices with information you DID have, not information you didn't. It's also not on you that this guy withheld information from you: that's on him. I get that you feel lousy, but to me, it sounds like you all have been getting played here, and that's not on you, as you're certainly not the player in this situation.

Personally, this would be a total dealbreaker for me on continuing anything with this guy, because my sense, again, is he's been playing a bunch of you, which is crappy enough, but extra crappy since he's basically been sabotaging your friendships with each other in the way he's been doing it. Plus, he's shown you he is dishonest, and from the looks of things, dishonest with others around really loaded stuff to get what he wants for himself. In other words, he sounds like a pretty crummy person to me. Obviously, you get to decide if any or all of that's a dealbreaker for you, but I just thought I'd put that out there.

That aside, if I have you right, you want to try and rectify things with your friend. Do I have that right? If so, I think your first step is to ask for some time to hang out and talk, and then just be totally honest. To process through anything like this in any kind of intimate relationship (which includes close friendships), we have to start with everyone being open and honest with each other. Another thing you can do is to make clear to your friend how much your friendship matters, and that you're more (I'm assuming) dedicated to it than this guy, and you do not want what happened with this dude to get between you. Then you talk together from there.

Does that sound like a place you can start?

[BookBelle]

I agree with what Heather says!

A personal recommendation: This is a seemingly emotional situation. I would recommend giving your friend some space to deal with her emotions (a few days?) before trying to talk - this gives her a chance to see things a little more clearly and to think things through without emotions clouding her judgement. It also gives you a chance to think through what you want to say. Again, be honest.