Beginning an open relationship?

[Rlg476]

I'm currently 18 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. He is the first boy I have done anything with (hadn't even kissed anyone before him) and recently we have discussed starting an open relationship (not sure if it's the right labelling) where because we are still young and have both been curious about experimenting we have said we are okay to do things with other people and still be in a relationship. We still love eachother and don't want to break up and so this seemed like the best decision. We have discussed rules and have decided to start it now however I'm wondering how to go about it, it still feels odd because I don't really know what to do, I don't want our relationship to fail because I can't do without him (I know it sounds cheesy but my mental illnesses make life hard) any one have any advice they can offer about beginning it and what it is like? We aren't starting relationships with other people it's just casual sexual things and so it can either be a one time thing or a sort of thing where it happens repeatedly.

[Sam W]

Hi Rlg,

You mention the two of you have discussed the rules of how your relationship will be open, which is a fantastic start. Can you tell me how detailed you got when discussing those? For instance, have you agreed on what your safer sex and STI testing regime will look like?

The biggest piece of advice I have is that open relationships, like any relationship, are going to require a lot of communication and negotiation. This article can be really helpful in doing those things: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[Rlg476]

We have said that we will use protection (condoms) with other partners as we don't with eachother (I'm on the pill and I'm clean)

[Rlg476]

Hi Rlg,

You mention the two of you have discussed the rules of how your relationship will be open, which is a fantastic start. Can you tell me how detailed you got when discussing those? For instance, have you agreed on what your safer sex and STI testing regime will look like?

The biggest piece of advice I have is that open relationships, like any relationship, are going to require a lot of communication and negotiation. This article can be really helpful in doing those things: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

We have agreed to use condoms with other partners as I'm on the pill myself and I'm clean and usually we don't use them with eachother

[Ashleah]

Hi Rig476,

I'm jumping in if you don't mind. Although I completely agree with Sam. Communication is key in any type of relationship! It sounds like you all have already set some boundaries for your relationship, but can I ask why you all don't use condoms? Feel free not to answer Can I also ask if there is anything specific that concerns you about having an open relationship that might not concern you if y'all were exclusive?

[Rlg476]

Hi Rig476,

I'm jumping in if you don't mind. Although I completely agree with Sam. Communication is key in any type of relationship! It sounds like you all have already set some boundaries for your relationship, but can I ask why you all don't use condoms? Feel free not to answer Can I also ask if there is anything specific that concerns you about having an open relationship that might not concern you if y'all were exclusive?

We used to use condoms with eachother but I never got on with them as they made sex sore and painful a lot of the time, when I went on the pill we tried without and the quality and enjoyment was so much better and I had no pain, I worry what people will think and I already have people interested in me and I'm guess I'm just nervous because I've never done anything with anyone else.

[Onionpie]

Hi Rlg476! I'm sorry to hear sex with condoms was not enjoyable for you. You say you're clear of STIs -- how long ago were you tested? And what about your partner, has he ever been tested? One practical aspect of opening up relationships is that safer sex needs to be considered and discussed in-depth. We tend to recommend that condoms are kept being used in a relationship for at least six months, and that even after that time, they don't get chucked until both partners have been tested and come back negative for any STIs. I know that discomfort/pain with condom use can frequently be due to not enough lube being used. So that's something to consider. I'm also wondering if you guys experimented with various brands and types of condoms? This information will all be particularly pertinent to you when you involve multiple partners, so it's important to have it beforehand!

When you say you're concerned what people will think, do you mean people outside whatever sexual relationships you happen to have? If so, then know that you get to navigate your discussion of your personal life however you wish; if you don't want to tell certain people about the nature of your relationship, you don't have to -- it's not their business. If people ask you questions that you don't want to answer, you don't have to answer them! You get to choose how open you are about your open relationship.

What makes you nervous about getting involved with new partners? Are you worried about them judging you, about feeling like you don't know what you're doing, or something else?

[snailshell]

Hi! I've been in poly/open relationships for going on 10 years now, so this is totally my wheelhouse.

100% seconded on trying different types of condoms and more lube!

As for "rules" - I've found that rules work best when they are more abstract and focus on feelings rather than behaviors. For example, "we will make time every week to be together, just us" works better than "you can only see other partners 2 days per week," and "we will communicate openly about feeling jealous or threatened" works better than "you must always tell me everything that happened with another partner within 24 hours of it happening."

As for "what to do" - just be yourselves and let things happen fluidly and organically. It can be frightening to feel "unprepared" or "not in control," but there is no five-step process to starting an open relationship; it works differently for everyone. The most important thing is to know your needs and desires and be intentional about them - know what you want going in, and be able to clearly articulate them to yourself and your partner. That way if something isn't working, you can identify what and why, and how to solve it. Is it more important to you to have sexual fun, flexibility and freedom together? Is it more important to "cheat-proof" your relationship by allowing for sexual experimentation outside of it? Is it more important to grow and learn together about whether and how an open relationship will work for you two? Etc.

As for "what people will think" - I get lots of weird and judgmental feedback about my poly relationships, some from family. I usually go with a smile and a "thanks for sharing your thoughts" or other bland response. Other people don't need to give permission or validate your relationship choices. It gets trickier when it comes to the people you're trying to see/sleep with. I have about a 60% failure rate when I meet people who are not already clear on my polyamory - they find out I have existing partners and go "that's not really for me, sorry." You just gotta learn to shrug off the rejection, because not everyone is compatible! The best way to meet people for sexual experimentation in this kind of context is online (OKCupid, fetlife, etc.) where you can make it clear what you are looking for and what you are offering, or real-life meetups where people share your interests.

Finally, you say you have a mental illness that makes this hard - but the real benefit of knowing you have a mental illness is that you can get the right tools to help you manage it! That's the real point of getting a diagnosis. Talk to whatever mental health care professional diagnosed you, or the therapist you are working with, about this! See if they can help you identify where your nervousness is coming from and develop communication strategies and other methods of addressing and managing it. If you're not already seeing a therapist, but you know you have a mental illness that makes things hard, know that you definitely deserve professional help and treatment - things don't have to be that hard, and we have ways of making them easier!

[Heather]

(Just as a side note, snailshell, thanks so much for your in-depth and helpful contributions to the boards over the last few days! Glad you found the community and are so willing to pitch in like this. )