I don't know how to convince my boyfriend I'm not cheating.. Help?

[Samxchevez101]

I took my bf to a party to meet my whole family, it was good. But then I get a snapchat message of a guy shirtless and ofc my bf saw and became upset.
He has a reason to be but its not like I even know this guy, let alone even text him. I just figure this guy sends it to the wrong person so I never ever reply.

My bf has told me stuff like "how am I suppose to know you're not?" and such and it hurts. Its not my fault that guy sends me selfies of him like that.. I've told the guy something before a long time ago to stop and he hasn't done it recently until now so great, perfect timing

Eventually we talked and when I kissed him for reassurance he said "its not the same anymore" and that was like a punch to the face. I started crying and once he noticed I was and what he had said he immediately came to me and hugged me and said he was sorry and that he would never hurt me again and that he believes me and loves me..
All was well right?

No, when we get home he texts me saying, he wants to be alone right now. Then I see he puts on sc "nice guys finish last" like WTF REALLY. After that whole moment of us making up youre still upset about it?

It hurts and I want to cry bc he doesnt believe me. Hes been cheated on before but he he needs to understand Im not like that. I love this guy I just want him to know that..

[Heather]

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this spot. It sounds painful.

Ultimately, we can't make anyone trust us. All we can ever do to facilitate someone building and having trust in us -- which includes believing us -- is to make clear that's something we want, then act trustworthy. And then, and sometimes this may be pretty fast, other times it may take a long time, someone is either going to trust us, or they're not.

And if they won't, we can't make them. We can either decide to keep trying to build trust and just be trustworthy like we always have been, or walk away. And either way, we just have to accept that they won't or don't trust us if and when that's the case.

At this point, it sounds like if you do want to stick this out, you're just going to have to leave your boyfriend be and then see what he's got to say about how he's feeling, and how you feel, when he's done having the space he wants. I'd suggest not paying attention to his social media feeds, personally, as that's not actually giving space (and is also bound to be frustrating for you).

Or, if you feel like you don't want to deal with this, which would also be understandable, you can just walk away from this.

[Samxchevez101]

Wow, thank you very much. I now know what to do since you have simplified everything for me

[Heather]

Glad to help. If you need to talk more or want some support, feel free to pop back here.

[Samxchevez101]

Glad to help. If you need to talk more or want some support, feel free to pop back here.

Hi, its me again sorry
So we worked it out but the whole relationship is a wreck now; we constantly fight and fight. So literally right now, we talked over the phone and we both ended up crying to each other. We both expressed how we wished our relationship was the same again, we need to stop fighting, etc.

I know the underlining problem with our mess, the whole incident above ^^^. He has yet to heal from it, and so naturally I asked him why and to talk about it.

He said that we both need to forget about it, that in a month it'll all be okay again, and that this is our last resort and only way to move past it. It made no sense to me bc we always go back to that incident. We have talked about it thoroughly before but he is just so sensitive on that subject due to his past relationships, its ruining ours.

We are both determined to fix this. We have been together for a long time, so breaking up is not a solution for us. We just dont know how to rekindle our love again. He is a great guy, he truly is, its just crazy how fear can change a person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how can we move past this and get our relationship back to track? It may seem childish Ik, but I cant really talk to anyone about this.. Thank you

[Jacob]

Hi there Samxchevez101!

I think a good question here for you is what you would like to get from talking more about it. Is he still blaming you or has he acknowledged that it is not your fault, or futhermore that it was unkind to you for someone to send you that picture?

If you have moved past those questions and this is just about making the relationship 'feel good' again I have to say there is no magic potion or way of ensuring that happens or quickening the process. If he is struggling and thinks the best way to move forward would be to not talk about it, then for him that might be the best option. It can take a while for pain to settle in and start to fade (even when it isn't your fault - which it isn't) and we all have different ways of dealing with it. This sounds like is an internal issue for him to work through and while you can offer him support or someone to talk to if he wants it... you are also not obliged to.

[Samxchevez101]

Hi there Samxchevez101!

I think a good question here for you is what you would like to get from talking more about it. Is he still blaming you or has he acknowledged that it is not your fault, or futhermore that it was unkind to you for someone to send you that picture?

If you have moved past those questions and this is just about making the relationship 'feel good' again I have to say there is no magic potion or way of ensuring that happens or quickening the process. If he is struggling and thinks the best way to move forward would be to not talk about it, then for him that might be the best option. It can take a while for pain to settle in and start to fade (even when it isn't your fault - which it isn't) and we all have different ways of dealing with it. This sounds like is an internal issue for him to work through and while you can offer him support or someone to talk to if he wants it... you are also not obliged to.

Yeah, you have a point. While as I hoped for a better, more relieving answer, this answer is the one I need. Thank you so much.

[Redskies]

I just wanted to add in here something that I think Jacob was getting at with some of his questions.

If your boyfriend is saying he doesn't want to talk about it, AND he is being uncomfortable or unhappy with you, you don't have to just live with that and put up with it. We can't make someone talk with us about something they won't talk about, but we also should not have to live with being very unhappy because they're expressing their unhappy in other things they say or do. That's absolutely not fair for anyone to do to us, or to expect us to deal with.

You said

we always go back to that incident

Who mentions it or refers to it? I think that's a very, very important question here.

With him saying it'll be alright in a month, that's sounding a little as if he might be suggesting that some space from each other might be helpful? If you're arguing a lot, then taking some space from each other might be a very good idea, so that you each have some space and time to work through the hurt feelings you clearly both have. At the moment, it sounds like you might be both hurting the other, and that's not good for either of you.

I know you said you want to resolve this in your relationship. When a relationship is in a place where there's repeated arguing and it's not changed for some time, it's very important to make some major changes, because it's clearly not changing by itself -that's why I suggested taking some real space.

I know you said that breaking up isn't an option for you, and that you want to go back to what you had. Sometimes, though, in relationships, they just don't go back to what they were, no matter how hard everyone tries and no matter how much everyone wants that. The way that your relationship is at the moment: is this a relationship that you would want to stay in?