Am I the only one who doesn't 'get' casual sex?

[Blueswan]

It has never appealed to me at all. First, you usually don't know this person well (fwb don't apply, but that's a whole other bucket of worms). Therefore, you don't know if you can trust them, and why would you want to be that vulnerable if you have no idea?

Second, it seems unhygienic. You don't know them well, so you don't know their germs either. You could catch something. Why have sex with a person whose glass you wouldn't feel ok drinking out of?

Third, I wouldn't let anyone I didn't know really well, say, look through my diary. Why show off all your flaws and weirdness and quirks?

People can do what they want; it's their body, their life, but I feel alone in this.

[Kaizen]

I wouldn't do it either, for much the same reasons you have.

But (maybe because I'm a writer), I can imagine something that might be appealing about it: if it's casual, someone might feel better about showing off their "flaws and weirdness and quirks", because if the partner doesn't like it, both can just walk away and have nothing to lose. With someone you really like so far, with whom you want things to last, there could be more pressure (internal and external) to hide those things, so you don't "ruin" a good thing.

Like, if I meet someone at, say, an event, and I'm probably never going to see them again, I feel pretty free to be myself because if they don't like me they can just leave, or put up with it for the night and then never see me again. In a class, I'd feel a lot more pressure to get along with everyone and not make them think I'm "weird", because if they don't like me or make fun of me, I'd have to put up with them for the rest of the year/semester. With a new friend, if they like me so far I don't want to lose their friendship.

[Ashleah]

I don't think you are alone in this! I do think culturally we are moving in a direction where there is less of a stigma against casual sex, but I don't think this is a bad thing. I see it as a win if we can accept attitudes that allow more people to have the relationships and/or sex that they want. There are many ways that people have relationships or sex, even casual sex doesn't always look the same, and I think it is important for there to be a space for all of those to exist.

I want to address your comment about casual sex being unhygienic. Germs are really unavoidable and we are exposed to them with most, if not all, of are interactions with other people. Shaking someones hand, flushing a toilet, opening the refrigerator in a shared space all expose us to germs. While it is certainly valid for you to chose not to engage in casual sex for this reason, I don't want other users feeling that casual sex guarantees they will get sick or develop an STI. The same precautions people can take to have safer sex in committed relationships can, and often do, occur in casual relationships and interactions.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "people can do what they want" but I would add as long as it is a relationship that everyone involved is comfortable with. Personally, I have had a mix of casual and committed relationships. The appeal of both have been different depending on what I was looking for at the time. I really like what Kaizen says about there being a sort of freedom to casual sex. For any relationship, wether romantic or not, I feel a lot of pressure and proceed with different levels of vulnerability depending on where I would like it to go.

For me personally, there were times were I was not ready or did not want to be in a committed relationship but that didn't mean I didn't want to have sex or still didn't want to have some sort of "romantic"/dating type situation that was casual. I think what's most important is that everyone have the types of sex they are most comfortable with.

[Blueswan]

Thanks! I agree with you Kaizen about the freedom component. I should probably clarify that it doesn't appeal in real life, but in ones head there is some benefit. Also, a stranger can't hurt you emotionally. (Apropos de rein, I'm a writer as well!)

Ashleah, I really like your comment about the different types of vulnerability. I'm afraid I may be a lost cause when it comes to the germs part. We can't always be rational .

[cityofthedead]

There's no exact definition of "casual sex". A lot of people think casual sex is the same as a one-night stand. That's not true for everyone. Casual sex can still have the components and dynamics of sexual relationships that were already romantic to begin with. You can still call it casual sex if you take time with your partner to talk about each other's needs, desires and even life outside of sex. You can also get STD testings and birth control, and take time to develop a decent level of trust before there is any sexual contact between you and your partners. Casual sex isn't just rushing into the bedroom with a partner ASAP. That's not healthy or safe. Everyone deserves better than that.

[SeQuinn]

That's a really good point, cityofthedead - casual sex can mean different things to different people. One thing that's important to keep in mind is that casual sex does not mean "sex without any emotions whatsoever." You still need to care about how that person is feeling, even if you're not romantically involved with them. And it's aways important to check in and communicate with that person - I agree that sometimes it can be difficult to do this if you don't know the person well, but that's something that's been really valuable for me in both casual and committed relationships. When you have sex, you want to make sure everyone is having a good time, and that means respecting how the other person is feeling