Porn in relationships

[Ab-zimmer]

Is it normal/okay for your partner to watch porn? My partner and I currently live together and my partner watches porn several times a week. It makes me feel inadequate and unattractive and like hed rather look at porn than at me. Is this something that most people experience in long term relationships and should I be okay with it? Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi Ab-zimmer,

There are plenty of people who continue to watch porn (or read porn) when they are in a long-term relationship, even if they're happy and satisfied in that relationship. Consuming porn doesn't inherently mean you aren't attracted to your partner. Some people use porn to add novelty into their inner sex life, while others use it as a means of relief when their partner is unavailable. With your partner, do they watch porn while you're gone, or do they watch it while your around?

Can you tell me a little more about what part of porn makes you feel inadequate?

[Ab-zimmer]

Thanks for the reply they watch it when im around and when im gone. I think it just makes me feel inadequate as I feel that if I was good enough sexually they wouldnt need to look at other people if that makes sense. I know its probably silly but I can't help thinking that. Thanks!

[Heather]

So, something to bear in mind is that very, very few people (maybe even including yourself!) will find only one person in the whole world sexually appealing, even when they are super into that person. As well, our sexuality by ourselves isn't really about a sexual partner. Sometimes it can be part of it, but it really has a life of its own, and that includes our fantasy lives.

You might not look at porn, but there might be someone in regular movies you find hot and who turns you on, if that helps you to relate.

Lastly, our sex life with someone isn't about monopolizing their sexuality -- about taking the whole thing over -- but about sharing our sexualities together in the places we do connect. And there will usually be some where we do, and some where we don't. Make sense?

That said, everyone gets to have preferences in who we are with, and that includes criteria. If, moving forward, you would rather only date people who don't use porn, or don't use it much, that's something you can ask about before you get involved with someone else seriously. You also get to feel however you feel about any of this.

[Ab-zimmer]

Thank you for that hopefully ill just be able to get used to it. Its normal i know. I dont mind when im not around but when im in the house it makes me a little sad as i cant help but feel that if im there ge chose it over me. Thank you

[Heather]

Well, how about you talk with him about that? I think it's fair to ask if a compromise can't be reached around it being saved for when you're not around.

[Ab-zimmer]

We did talk about it a few times. And hed promised not to do it (this was very recent) and I know hes done it since promising not to so i dont want to bring it up again and have the trust broken over and over. So I guess I just wanted to ask and see if it was a normal thing in relationships for guys to do, if everyone did it might not seem so bad to me.

[Mo]

I do think that any time you have a situation where you are worried about talking about something because you don't want your trust broken, then even though that might be a really tough conversation it's one that's important to happen. If you know a partner isn't doing something they said they'd do, it's easy for resentment or other bad feelings to build up over time.

So, it sounds like it might be worth having this conversation again, and asking what's up with your boyfriend doing something he's said he wouldn't. I think a compromise about not watching porn when you're around seems reasonable but if he doesn't, it's on him to talk to you about it, not just agree and then not stick to it.

[Ab-zimmer]

Yeah thats a good idea actually thank you!