Is it true that bad parenting leads to bad relationships?

[Blueswan]

I've heard this a lot, and I'm just not sure how true it is. I suppose that if one left their wounds untreated so to speak, it could lead to trouble, but I think some self-healing would take care of most of it (except in the most extreme cases). I know a few people who have/had great parents, and they still made mistakes, and in my case I should have a ton of 'daddy issues' (hate that phrase), but I don't. How much of this is true and how much of it is a myth?

[Karyn]

I wouldn't say it's as simple or straightforward as "bad parenting = bad relationships later"; it's not totally true but it isn't a myth either. People are more complicated than that. Parenting does often have an influence on how people 'do' relationships, just because parents are one of the earliest relationship examples that most people are exposed to, but it isn't the only factor that determines how people behave in relationships later on in their lives. Does that make sense?

[snailshell]

It's both true and a myth, in some respects.

Truth: People who have seen negative patterns played out in relationships might turn and play out those patterns themselves. If you learn that "when someone truly loves you, their INTENSE PASSION manifests in screaming fights and extreme jealousy," then you equate negative behaviors with love and risk dating people who treat you like that. If you learn that "to get someone to care about you, you need to start drama or blame them for your issues," then when you date a new partner, you risk engaging in negative behavior because you think that's the way to get your needs met. And so on - those are just some examples.

Myth: That this is the only way for things to play out. Unlearning certain assumptions about relationships can definitely be done through self-work and therapy. Many, many therapists are skilled in helping people identify and break negative patterns they learned from "bad parenting," and there are zillions of self-help books out there to help you do the same. Going into it with intentionality and the awareness that you have some bad patterns in your past that you need to heal from is half the battle already.

In some cases, having a really bad example of what not to do can actually be turned into a positive. In my case, being aware of what my parents did wrong helps me recognize red flags and avoid that behavior. I can ask myself: "Is this a way my mother would engage with the situation? If so, it's probably not the best call." I still struggle with over-correcting sometimes (like, my mother plays the victim 100% of the time, so I have a tendency to do so 0% of the time, which means taking 'responsibility' for situations that aren't my fault), but that's easier to work on when I can recognize where it's coming from.

So no, having parents who made bad choices, were not emotionally healthy, modeled toxic relationship behavior, etc. is not a death sentence for a person's ability to have positive relationships going forward. There is no "should" - some people with backgrounds like yours may have "daddy issues," and some people may not - there are lots of other factors at play. Don't worry that you have some latent, as-yet-unnoticed "issues" just because your parents had issues - everyone internalizes rough situations differently.