I was raped, hate my body, and need ideas to feel positive

[zora]

I was raped on a 'date' with a stranger about two years ago and feel awful
and disgusted about everything he said about me. Once upon a time, I loved
who I was and what my body could do until this wench said he loved my hair, and
loved that I played several sports (I was wearing a sports bra at the time)
and my 'wild' personality. He even went out of his way to woo me by saying
how sexy he loved 'wild' black women like me.

I've tried every therapy there is (physical, sexual assault support centers,
psychiatric, psychotherapy) afterwards. Right now, I am struggling: I still
hate me. I especially loathe everything he said about my body and looks. I
want to feel good enough for a healthy relationship but I am disgusted by
both the wench and how I turned on myself.

What are some ideas to feel positive? I'm out of ideas. Or maybe, esp. since
rape is horribly common, what have other people tried?

[Heather]

Zora: welcome to the boards. I'm sorry, though, that struggling is what brought you here today.

These kinds of impacts are very common with abuse. And when a verbal abuse is tacked on to another kind, each really can deepen the impact of the other.

Hopefully, we can at least give you some support and perhaps brainstorm together to find at least some new things for you to try.

Before I pitch in with ideas, I wonder if you could give me an idea about how you feel what you have already tried hasn't worked for you. It would be helpful to know more about what you've tried (including about how long you stuck with each and how much or little you feel you were participating in those things) and how it's gone to do our best coming up with things or approaches to try moving forward.

[zora]

Hadn't realized that some of my feelings and impacts are common.

For me, the most helpful things are swimming and talking to my therapist (who focuses on trauma). Both have lasted about a year and I haven't been great about being consistent every week. Even now, I think the biggest problem is that I don't feel connected to my body anymore.

Thank you for being willing to brainstorm.

[Sam W]

Hi Zora

It's great that you have things that you already know are helpful for you, and long distance kudos for taking the step to find a counselor. That shows a lot of strength on your part.

As far as brainstorming, let's start with this: When you're swimming, what's going on in your brain and body? In other words, do you find that when you're swimming something happens that short-circuits that feeling of disconnection or dislike of your body?

And with your therapist how much work, if any, have they done with you around connecting to your body? Are there ones that worked, or ones that really did not work at all?

[zora]

When I exercise, its helpful because I can breathe and focus on that (otherwise its really hard to move). Its almost as if all my other thoughts have to be pushed aside, or I'll get tense and start to cough and sink. Because I remember everything through sight, sometimes it helps to visualize where I want to go before I get there.

The therapy works because I have a hard time naming my feelings. Its also much easier to feel bad there than crying in public.

[Heather]

And are you and your therapist doing any kind of work, or have you, when it comes to these feelings about your body?

[snailshell]

As for having a hard time naming your feelings, if you have a smartphone there are lots of apps that can help. I know it can sound silly to use an app for help with emotional regulation, but they have really helped me. Different things work for different people, so here's a link dump to look through and find an app or web tool that you like:

http://www.6seconds.org/tools/apps/
http://www.iosnoops.com/appinfo/mood-me ... /825930113
http://www.wellocracy.com/mobile-mood-apps/
http://tech.co/best-habit-and-mood-trac ... ps-2013-08
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/your-life ... -for-that/
https://medium.com/@lilythegecko/apps-t ... .kfcly7o0s

As for wanting to reclaim your body image, first off, huge kudos to you for fighting this fight. You deserve to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship with your body and sexuality, and fighting to reclaim it after someone hurt you is half the battle. You are strong, you are a fighter, you are survivor, and you will take back what is rightfully yours. Some resources on this:

http://www.pandys.org/articles/reclaimingsexuality.html
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/sex ... l-assault/
http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com ... rauma.html
http://www.beautyredefined.net/sexual-a ... ody-image/

As for fighting to find the positive, one thing that has helped me is to cultivate an exclusively positive space - I find it easier to do this online, but some people like to keep a journal instead. I made a tumblr where I ONLY follow positive, healing blogs that focus on recovery from what I'm dealing with - you can search tags like positivity, body positivity, body acceptance, healing from trauma, trauma recovery, etc. - and then reblog things I like. Anytime I want, I pop onto my blog and there's an entire feed of things I have collected that make me feel good (mostly quotes and sections from books that really speak to a need I have).

Remember that you are doing such hard work and you deserve to be proud of yourself for that. Just doing the therapies you mentioned and posting here for support mean you are FIGHTING. If no one has told you this recently, let me just say: I am proud of you. You are doing such hard work. You are powerful. You are working to heal, you are fighting to get better, you are doing all the right things. Healing takes time and it takes effort and I see you putting in both. <3

[zora]

Oh my! Thank you so much for sending me the questions, the links, and the kudos!!! I still feel I have a way to go but this response was not expected and I am grateful.

[Heather]

That was one seriously amazing response.

If you do want to talk more about what, if any, body image work you're doing with your therapist and what -- if you're not doing any -- you could ask for, give a shout.

[zora]

Since this post, I have realized/observed a few things perhaps worth sharing:

- I am filing a formal legal complaint against my longtime therapist
- I found books and articles to be surprisingly helpful coping
- I am still very, very angry and sad
- my bipolar and possibly PTSD symptoms are still triggered by this
- it is hard to enjoy touch
- my identities as a femme and as a black woman were assaulted too (K used violence, including verbal abuse and threats, to make sure I would stay silent)

Thank you for being a safe place to share, Scarleteen. I will totally read your posts forever, when I want to be affirmed.

[Karyn]

Thank you for checking in and letting us know how you're doing. Of course, if there's anything more we can help you with, just let us know!