My first time

[Newbie11]

I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of just over a year a few days ago. I've fingered myself before and everything has been fine and pleasurable but when we had sex I didn't feel anything...I've heard that a lot of times women bleed during their first time and it's painful. I didn't bleed it wasn't painful or pleasurable. Is that normal? afterard I've also felt kind of guilty about having sex. Why do I feel this way? Please help!

[al]

Hi there Newbie11, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about your first penetrative intercourse (assuming that's what you mean), although it's unfortunately a pretty common experience among young people. There are a couple of things to tackle here, so bear with me:

First of all, it's awesome to hear that you've done some exploration on your own to figure out what you like and what makes you feel good! Getting to know yourself through masturbation is a great way to make sure that you get what you need & want out of sexual interactions with other people.

Now onto why your partnered experience wasn't quite as gratifying: have you and your boyfriend engaged in other types of sexual activities before? How did those go? Do you feel like you were able to communicate about what sorts of things make you feel good?

The first time someone has penetrative intercourse, it can often feel like there's a lot of pressure building up to it, and a lot of expectations about how it's supposed to go or how it should make them feel. Because of that pressure, young people often end up feeling too nervous, scared, or self-conscious to actually end up taking the time to relax, slow down, communicate, and eventually enjoy themselves. First Intercourse 101 is an article that does a great job of demystifying some of those expectations and why they can make "first times" feel more stressful than they need to be.

To add onto that, if you're feeling at all pressured or not ready to have sex or engage in that particular activity, that makes it even more of an uncomfortable and upsetting experience. This was the other thing I was going to ask you - do you feel like this was a step that you two took equally together, and that you personally were ready to take? If not, that could be contributing to some of your feelings of guilt afterwards. For a handy worksheet to help you review what you feel ready/comfortable with, check out Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist.

And lastly, in terms of "the first time will be painful/bloody/etc", those are a few of those unfortunate expectations I mentioned earlier that are based on myths rather than facts. The first time someone has penetrative intercourse does not have to involve any of those things if both people are ready and willing, properly aroused, and not too rough with each other. To learn more about why these myths exist and how they connect to a complicated history surrounding women's bodies and sex, I highly recommend Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context.

All in all, your experience was fairly common (unfortunately) and like that first article I mentioned says, there are a lot of things that you can do so that your second time (should you choose to do so again) can feel better inside and out.

[Newbie11]

Yes, my boyfriend and I have done other sexual activities and those felt pleasurable as well.

In regard to me being ready, I was. We had talked about it and he continually told me that he wanted to wait until I was ready and at the time right before he asked me if I was sure and was very sweet about it. I'll be sure to look at those articles, thank you.

[Heather]

You may also particularly relate to this one: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... l_there_is

This might also come in handy: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... ing_bummer

[Newbie11]

The first article really helped me in feeling that I wasn't alone thank you very much!!