Confusion caused by specific event?

[wintergreen]

After wrestling with my identity for a long time, I settled on pan and was very comfortable. Last night, I went to a midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show thing, which is a very safe, freeing and fun place to be, but for some reason the whole experience threw me for a loop and now I feel extremely uncomfortable in my sexual identity, but also I was so sure and had worked so long to determine who I was that I shouldn't let one night in a corset surrounded by cool, fun people shouting insults at a screen change my perception of myself.

I think my confusion might stem from the fact that I'm not as active sexually as most of the people around me probably were? I've had a lot of trouble with sensuality and sexuality and identity, and maybe going to a place where people were so open forced me back in on myself/the closet a bit more?

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm so extremely confused and conflicted inside right now. It hurts to think I might have been so wrong after so much soul-searching and how hard it was for me to come out to the small amount of people I came out to.

[Sam W]

Hi Wintergreen,

Ooof, that sounds rough. Can you tell me a little more about what threw you during the show? Was it that you felt like an outsider for the level of comfort you currently have with your own identity, or was it more like this pushed some "must act more closed off/closeted" buttons that you didn't know where there?

As a side note, I've been involved in the Rocky Horror fan culture since I was in middle school (including directing it for three years in college). You're right that it's very sexually open and there's a lot of sexual bravado,but something I've learned is that at least fifty percent of that is a put on. Basically, people who are at Rocky act as though they're really sexually experience or active but it's usually all part of the act, and they shake out to having the same distribution of sexual activity as most large groups of people.

[wintergreen]

Thanks, Sam.

I think part of it may have been overwhelm/overload because of the newness of the experience and how different it is from anything else, and that made me kind of curl up inwardly. I generally do feel like other people with sexualities other than straight are "realer" than me. I do a lot of theatre, so I'm very open to doing all sorts of weird things and being around a lot of half-dressed people, so I don't think it was anything like that specifically. I definitely think you're on to something that I felt a bit like an outsider in my comfort with my identity.

I did enjoy it, and I want to go back. I'm usually very loud, and I love any chance to wear a corset!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! If you're thinking that's the source of some of this, if you end up going back you can work on some affirmations to think to yourself while you're there about how you identity is as valid (and, if it's a rocky show worth it's salt, as welcome) as any other identity there, if that makes sense.

[wintergreen]

That sounds like a good plan. Thank you.

[Sam W]

You're welcome