Bleeding during intercourse

[hrhalig]

Me and my boyfriend had sex today but he didn't know I was a virgin. We had other types of sexual activities before such as heavy fingering and it felt good and there wasn't any bleeding but today when he penetrated me I bled quite a bit tho it didn't hurt a lot i was a bit uncomfortable during and after and didn't reach orgasm. I am worried about the bleeding because I had been fingered before and i thought you bleed during your first time because the hymen brakes but im sure mine was already broken and also i was pretty aroused before intercourse. will I never enjoy sex? will I always bleed?

[Ashleah]

Hi hrhalig,

Welcome to the boards! There are a few reasons someone might bleed during first time intercourse. While the hymen can stretch or tear during intercourse and as a result cause bleeding, it's not the most common reason (which btw, the hymen wears away over time instead of there being one single incident that breaks it). Typically, bleeding is the result of the person not being excited enough prior to intercourse (lack of lubrication) or an injury from the sex being kinda rough.

Here is an article that discusses bleeding during intercourse in more detail: One Bloody Mess

I would like to ask a few questions though to see if this is something we can help you with

You mention that you felt aroused, did you also feel completely comfortable with having sex? during sex as well? If you don't mind sharing, can you tell me about any communication that took place during sex about feeling discomfort?

[hrhalig]

Thank you.
Yes I felt ready to have it and we had some foreplay so I definitely was lubricated but he did was pretty rough since he didn't know it was my first time he just went all for it until I told him to stop but I didn't say it was because I wasn't enjoying it and he said well you were bleeding a little and asked if I was having my period but I wasn't and I told him that it wasn't even time for my period, he insisted to keep going but I said no. I went down on him and that was it he got up to eat something. I felt some disconfort but not pain. Later because i was felling a bit down and worried he said "I feel like I raped you" and that he was disappointed our first time together was so bad which honestly made me feel worse.

[Karyn]

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like there was any extra lube used - is that right? Applying a bit of water-based lube before intercourse (and adding more as necessary) can make a big difference in everyone's comfort, and really reduces the chances of bleeding happening from too much friction.

I'm also concerned that this person wanted to keep going with intercourse even though you made it clear that you were uncomfortable. Is he generally respectful of your limits when you express them, or does he often try and convince you to keep doing something you're not comfortable with?

[hrhalig]

no there wasn't any extra lube and the truth is that even if I was pretty aroused from foreplay and i felt ready to have sex with him, I didn't wanted to do it at that moment because he didn't have a condom and even if I said no several times and asked him to just keep doing oral and manual sex that day at some point he turned me over and penetrated me and I let him for a few moments because he was so persistent and I got carried away. He didnt stop when i said no but when I pushed him away he didn't force himself or anything.

[Karyn]

Unfortunately, it's pretty clear from where I'm sitting that this person is not a safe partner. Doing anything sexual to you that you don't want is forcing himself, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Giving in to something because he kept asking isn't the same as giving consent, and a good partner will not persist in asking for something when someone has said no, and they will stop immediately when you ask them to.

I know that might be difficult to hear, so I want to check in with you about where you'd like to take this conversation from here? What kind of support do you think you'd like from us? (If you want to take some time to think about what I've said, too, that's totally okay - whatever you need.)

[hrhalig]

I don't know if what he did to me was sexual abuse but i know that he did to me something that i didn't wanted and that really hurt me emotionally.

my main concerns are about my health and my ability to enjoy sex or even want to do it in the future since right now just thinking about it makes me sick. the problem is I don't know where to get help or even what kind of help I need. talking to my parents is just not on the table.

[Sam W]

Given that this person pressured you and ignored your boundaries, it's not at all surprising that the thought of sex makes you uncomfortable. You're certainly welcome to talk through how you're feeling here, and you could also try finding a local sexual assault survivor's resource (it's okay if you're not at a place where you're comfortable calling it that, but those resources can give you a safe space to process what happened).

I also want to check, is this person someone you're likely to see again or be alone with again?

[hrhalig]

Thank you to everyone who's been readying and answering my questions for the support i guess i needed to talk about it with someone and I'm glad places like this exist on the internet for people like me who at first don't know where or how to get help.

He is my boyfriend so I do see him quite often but thankfully I haven't since the incident. I'll try to wait until I fully process what happened to me and maybe talk to a friend about it before seeing him and I'm guessing it would be better if I do it in a place where he can't take advantage of the situation. I still don't know if I should confront him about it tho

thanks again for the kind words and the resources.

[Mo]

I'm glad you found us and that you've found this to be a helpful place!

Whether you choose to confront your boyfriend about this or not, he has proven himself to be someone it's not safe to be sexual with; if possible I think it's best to avoid a situation in which you'd be alone with him at all. As others have said, I'm sorry this is a situation he put you in.
From what you've said here, I realize this may not be the language you'd use for your situation, but there's some information in this article that I think would be helpful, so I encourage you to give it a look: Dealing With Rape